i don't want to do this any more

The words whispered but somehow held within the air for seconds. Each syllable seeming to fall from lips made blue by the cold. The viscous mud swallowing them as fast as they landed. He fell to his knees as though he wanted, needed, to take them back. He held his palms in front of his face, the mire clinging to them and then dripping to join the words. Silent tears, the worst kind, began to course down his cheeks and they too joined the words.

He was sixteen.

Sixteen summers spent with his family.

Sixteen years leading to this point.

To mud, rats, lice, explosions and above all fear, and almost acceptance.

'i don't want to do this any more!'

He had left school at fourteen and joined his father in the steel works. The eldest of a family of thirteen all living in a two up, two down back to back in the city's slums. Any dreams he might have had then were shelved. He was needed to help support the family. He hated the job, could see no way out.

He was sixteen. Five thousand eight hundred and forty four days old, give or take a few. Not many for a lifetime.

Adventure and excitement called. He could wear a uniform become attractive to girls. Sixteen and never been kissed. Defend his country against a foreign threat. Be a loyal citizen.

Become a man.

'i don't want to do this any more!'

He had lied. Said he was eighteen. It was accepted, few questions asked. Bodies were needed to fight, to gain supremacy over enemies. His mother pleaded with him. He was now the man of the family, his father already gone, wearing the uniform defending his country against...what? Few of those fighting knew.

Sixteen years had given him little experience of the world. His mother's fears washed over him and the need to be part of this great adventure made him deaf to her pleas.

'i don't want to do this any more!'

He howled the words out as he sank deeper into the mud. The words piling up around him joined by the promises made by leaders and governments. Silent tears still falling and this time accompanied by a darker liquid.

The mud felt soft and comfortable and for a while he thought he was back home sharing his bed with his younger brothers.

He lay down, putting his head on his arms and smiled.

'i can't to do this any more!'