Roosters

ROOSTERS
An Essentially True Story

PEARL: I am nine years old. I live in Devon. My Mummy and me like
animals. We keep lots of them. We have a dog, a cat, chickens, goats
and
ducks. My Daddy keeps fish. I would like to get some fish of my own
one
day. Daddy does not like the ducks. He says they mess up his fish
ponds.
Daddy also says he does not like the chickens because too many of
them
are roosters. He does not like getting up in the morning. I like it as
I let the
chickens out and the cockerels crow. That makes Daddy get up.

ROBERT: A certain degree of menagerie I can take. That was the
deal
when we got together. I even take a pride in some of it. I enjoy taking
the
goats for a walk along with the dog although the ducks annoy me
because
of what they do to my ponds, I do find them amusing to watch as
they
waddle and quack through their day. The cat craps in the house but if
we
watch it carefully it's OK. The chickens are fine on their own. It's
the
sodding roosters I can't stand. They fight each other over territory.
They
terrify the hens. They strut about like complete jerks and, absolutely
the
worst thing of all, they wake me up in the morning. They wake me up
on
Sunday morning when I could lie in. They wake me up at bloody dawn.
I
hate all cockerels and now we have nine of them.

How did we get to nine? Even when we only have five hens? Each year
as
some of the hens have eggs then some of the chicks turn out to be
roosters.
Can we strangle them? No. Pearl loves them. Can we give them
away?
No. No bugger wants them. Give me strength. Eccentricity I can
take,
insanity, though, is out.

NATALIE: Those bloody roosters are getting on his nerves. I lost the
car
keys yesterday and I haven't told him about the load of old crockery
I
bought in that house sale last week, let alone about the holiday I've
just
booked for us all in Kazakhstan in November. I think it's time to get
on
his good side.

ROBERT: Natalie's just agreed that the cockerels are a pain. I can't
quite
believe it. She accepts that all but one should go. She's even told
me
which one must stay. But she says I cannot harm any of them. I must
find
them new homes.

PEARL: Mummy says that we've got to get rid of some of the
roosters.
She says it's not kind to keep them all as they fight and upset the
hens. I
think she's right. She says that Daddy will soon find new homes for
them
as he knows lots of people in the area. I will be able to visit them I
think. I
hope they remember me.

ROBERT: I know how to move them without making a noise. Once
roosters go to sleep you can whir them round your head and they
won't
wake up so I'll sling them all in a sack and take them off into the
woods
and just release them. Fine fox food.

NATALIE: I've made him promise that he won't just release them in
the
woods. It's not fair on Pearl. God knows what he's going to do with
them.

ROBERT: I drove around last night on my way home from the pub.
About
five miles away, up towards Hatherleigh, I spotted a farm yard.
It's
isolated from the farm house, which was two fields away. Now if I can
get
this last one into the sack, that's it. Off we go.

NATALIE: He's told me what he's doing. I guess it fulfills the letter
of
the deal if not the spirit. At least neither of us has lied to
Pearl.

ROBERT: There we are. Each one has its own perch, up off the
ground.
That farmer'll get a shock in the morning.

ROOSTER: This place looks different to my usual place. Never
mind,
there's some corn on the ground. Better sing for my supper, I
guess.
Cock-a doodle-doo. Oh, there's a nice man. Better crow louder and
maybe
he'll give me some more corn. Why's he got his hands round my neck?