A hundred moments in autism - Training Day

Today is a training day, in person, at one of the university’s excellent training facilities. 

The training itself is fine, there is good coffee and even biscuits upon arrival, and the training contains the requisite ‘at least one useful thing’ that will help with my work. We transfer to lunch, which is in a buffet setting, so people mingle whilst eating their lunch. There is no seating. 

I soon find myself standing alone, with a very limited plate of food (us autists and out food peculiarities, someone should write a ‘moment’ about it!). And that’s it, that’s as close as I ever get to ‘mingling’.   

Everyone else is paired up, and when I try to speak and join the attempt lasts just seconds, I’m blanked, ignored, and just move away.  

In an odd numbered group of people, I will always be the one standing alone, everyone else having seamlessly paired up. 

In an even numbered group of people, I will always be the one standing alone, everyone else having seamlessly paired up, with one group of three just to make sure I’m left out 

This phenomenon is known by autists as ‘Standing there awkwardly syndrome’, when you’re the only person not talking to someone else. 

There are a number of issues at play. One is sheer overwhelm of being in a crowded, noisy place.  I find it very hard to shut out the surround of sensory input and focus on an individual conversation.  It does mean that I’d make a good spy, as I can follow pretty much every conversation in the room. 

If I try to join a conversation I lack the non-verbal skills, I don’t make the connection I want to. In addition, I’m not very good at small talk, and if I start a conversation with someone they soon lose interest. 

Fundamentally, I’m at the age now when exchanging meaningless pleasantries with complete strangers just isn’t worth the effort. More importantly, the deserts are out now, and I’ve already finished my first course.