The Driving Lesson (PART 1)

“Right, now you’re in, what do you do next?”
TURN ON THE RADIO!
Great! What a good idea;
Then when you hit something
We can at least sing,
While they’re cutting us out.
Maybe something like;
There’s a hole in my forehead,
Dear Liza, dear Liza…
What is likely to stop you
Flying through the windscreen?
THE STEERING WHEEL!
Good answer! But not the one
The instructor will be looking for, I fear.
I’ll give you a hint;
It holds your trousers up…
ELASTIC!
No, but your getting warmer!
Think more of something that
Crosses your chest.
YOUR BRA!
How the fuck would your bra
Stop you flying through the windscreen
Other than you tie your tits to the tow-bar?
What’s that thing to the right
Of your right shoulder?
Err, no; UNDER the light.
THE SEAT BELT! Bingo!
Yes, it’s a common mistake, I often
Wondered what that was there for too.
Right! Your all comfy; what next?
TURN ON THE RADIO?
What the fuck is with the radio?
Do you want to learn to drive or
How to play fucking guitar?
I’M NOT SHOUTING!
OK, I am shouting; I’m sorry!
I’m nervous too.
Right! What do you do next?
FIX YOUR MAKE-UP!
Fuck sake! I think you’ll find that
Most women do that at the traffic lights.
I was thinking more of lining up
The rear view mirror…
YES, THE BIG BENDY ONE IN THE MIDDLE!
Can you see clearly out of the back window?
Good! Good, now you…pardon?
YOU DON’T NEED THAT BECAUSE
YOU DON’T LIKE REVERSING!
Err, yes, I can understand that but we do
Tend to use it when overtaking or ….
YOU DON’T DO OVERTAKING!
OK! But there could be a cyclist in front…
YOU’LL JUST BEEP, ‘TILL THEY
GET OUT OF YOUR WAY!
Right! We might have to work on that one.
Your seatbelt is on and your
Mirror is adjusted, the handbrake is on
And the gearbox is in neutral so…hmm?
NEUTRAL DOESN’T WORK
IN THIS CAR!
Really? Err why would that be?
THE ACCENTUATER DOESN’T
WORK WHEN NEUTRAL IS ON!
It’s ‘Accelerator’ and it’s not supposed to
Bloody work when the car’s in neutral!
It’s so you can stop at traffic lights and such.
NO! YOU CAN’T JUST USE
THE BRAKE AND CRUTCH; CLUTCH!
CLUTCH! IT’S CALLED A FUCKING
CLUTCH!
OK! OK! Sorry I’m not shouting;
Well I won’t any more. Yes I promise.
OK! Let’s start the car…
DO YOU PUSH WHAT?
Err… no, that’s the cigarette lighter’
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
Fuck! Why did you push the horn?
THERE’S AN OLD LADY CROSSING
THE ROAD IN FRONT OF YOU!
But we’re parked; what did you think
She was going to do; ram us with her Zimmer frame?
You nearly gave her a heart attack!
You nearly gave ME a fucking heart attack!
Jesus! OK! Insert the key and turn it,
Something should happen.
Great! The engine is running smoothly.
OK! Check your mirrors and indicate…
Why is your hand in front of my face?
YOU’RE INDICATING!
You didn’t happen to notice the little yellow
Lights in the front and rear of the car.
ERR, NO; 'OUTSIDE' ON
THE FRONT AND BACK END
Well when you rise or lower this lever beside
The steering wheel, those little lights flash.
Up indicates turning right and down indicates left.
WHICH WAY ARE WE GOING?
Let’s go left and stay on the road,
I don’t think Mrs. Faversham would
Appreciate us parking in her garden.
Ready? OK! If there is nothing coming,
Ease out into the traffic and…
NO! WE CAN’T TURN ON
THE FUCKING RADIO.”