Granny and Santa!

Granny went out walking, on her own, on Christmas eve.
She’d had a few hot whiskeys, so I told her not to leave
But Granny was determined; she stamped and did insist.
And no one got in Granny’s way, when she was three parts pissed.

I decided I would follow her, for fear she would get lost,
Or slip and maybe hurt herself, ‘cause there was lots of frost.
When she got to the junction, the red light said, ‘Don’t Walk!’
But Nan just shouted, ‘Kiss my ass..’ and she refused to balk.

T’was then, I heard the sleigh bells ring, a ting-a-ling-a-ling
And a deep voice, loudly belting out a song, that we all sing.
The singer was in jolly mood, of that, there’s no mistake
But the tune went up an octave at, ‘We wish you a…FUCK SAKE!’

There was a large collision and I heard poor Granny cry;
‘Get off, you red nose bastard..’ as an antler pierced her eye.
A fat guy, in a red suit, jumped down shouting, ‘What’s been hit?’
As he rushed by, I shouted out, ‘That was my gran, you tit!’

He bent down over Gran and asked, ‘My gosh! are you alright?’
As she lay still and covered head to toe in Reindeer shite!
She opened up her one good eye ‘mid wailing sirens’ calls,
Took aim with her steel-toecap-boots and kicked him in the balls.

The cops arrived, just as the fat lad, gasped and hit the ground.
He ended up with his head buried in my Granny’s mound.
Nan screamed but then the scream became a whimper, then a sigh
She wrapped her legs around his head and lifted her bum high.

A cop pulled out his night stick, screaming ‘God, you’ve got a nerve!’
While Gran adjusted her grip, crying, ‘Eat my pussy, perve!’
It took three cops to make my Granny let the fat lad go,
As he rolled off, I thought I heard him mumble, ‘HO, HO, HO!’

I got a real good look at him, as he was led away,
I then observed the Reindeer, with the red nose – and the sleigh.
Suddenly it dawned on me; it’s Santa that they’ve nicked
And all because my Gran was drunk and had her pussy licked!

I felt so bad, I didn’t know what I should do or say,
I knew that if my friends found out, they’d really make me pay.
While waiting for the ambulance, I came up with a plan
But it was never going to work, without the help of Gran.

When I explained to Gran, exactly how things had turned out,
She hopped up like a two year old – her pain forgot about.
She slapped a bandage on her eye and though she still looked pale,
Demanded of the cops, that she be taken to the jail.

Once there, she told the officer, that she was Santa’s spouse
And she needed him, to drop off all the presents, house to house.
The cop he looked suspicious and I thought, he’d give her strife,
Until Gran promised a dildo, wrapped in ribbon, for his ‘wife’.

Santa looked quite nervous, when released into Gran’s care,
But bravely grinned (and I could see, in his teeth, some grey hair).
Gran looked like a pirate, with a patch on her left eye
But she said, ‘Don’t worry, Hot Lips, I will show you how to fly.’

She wrapped her arms around him and planted a big kiss,
Then spat and told him, ‘Fuckin’ hell, your beard tastes like stale piss!’
As Santa blushed, and I near retched, she told me to go home.
I think her aim was just to get, old Santa on his own.

Well I was knackered anyway and went back home to bed,
I hit the sack and closed my eyes and slept, like I was dead.
When I woke up next morning, I wondered, if I’d dreamed
And was it just a figment of my mind, that Gran got creamed?

I was heading for the kitchen, when the phone began to ring,
I picked it up and heard that old familiar, ‘ting-a-ling’
I gasped and started stuttering, ‘Is that you Gran, I hear?’
A giggling voice, said, ‘Yes it is…and don’t you worry dear.’

‘I’m with this randy Santa bloke, we’re at it like two dogs,
He’s got a cock, that’s thick and longer than two Yule Tide Logs.
I’m not sure, where I am right now…but it’s all white and cold;
This may come as a shock but I think, I am up the pole!’

We got all gifts delivered (yours is underneath the tree)
We were running late, or I’d have stopped and made some tea.
The good news is, my eye has healed; a miracle by damn!
The bad news is, my teeth fell out just over Birmingham.

I’m not sure, when I’ll be home love, I’m kind of busy here;
This bugger says, he usually stays in bed till the new year.
Expect me, when you see me and I surely will be back,
Just making sure that, I completely empty Santa’s sack!

So I’m sitting by the fire, watching Chaplin on T.V.
This Christmas time, has surely been a crazy one for me.
I don’t know where we go from here, it’s tough to really call
So I’ll finish now, by saying, HAPPY CHRISTMAS ONE AND ALL ;-))