Phobia I.P.

I think that the cause of my phobia’s plain;
that circumstance caused me so much bloody pain.
It took me some years to try it again
without suffering severe consternation.

The first instance occurred when barely a teen
and granted; a bit old to be so damn green
but I didn’t know it, until I had seen
and my confidence went on vacation

It happened one night in the Woolwich youth club
(I was dressed to the nines and I’d had a good scrub)
I’d tapped the ‘Old Man’ for a substantial sub
looking real cool but inwardly dying

I went with some mates and we had it all planned,
half a bottle of ‘Brut’ each; slapped on by hand.
With new ‘Ben Sherman’s’, we stood by the band
trying hard not to look like we’re trying.

A group of hot birds were out on the floor;
one blonde girl smiled and my spirits did soar
I whispered the lads, I’m going to score,
it was a diamond coated guarantee.

As I sauntered over, I felt like a king,
my step had developed a definite spring
but warning bells started to go ding-a-ling,
when she waved at some bloke, stood behind me.

Much too far gone to turn back at this stage
I felt like a lion, caught in a cage
I gave a big smile and tried to engage
the cute blonde in some interaction.

She looked at me, like she had got a bad smell
then turned to her mates and said, ‘Cor, fuckin’ hell!
Has somebody gone out and rang the school bell?’
then stood back and observed my reaction

Her mates, they cracked up; they thought it was gas
one of them said I had balls made of brass!
I stood there blushing; I felt like an Ass
and prayed that the ground, would just open

I did not turn but kept walking ahead;
the exit seemed miles and I wished I were dead.
When outside, I screeched and ran home to bed -
I felt like a babe in a play-pen

For more than a decade (I know, it sounds dumb)
dances and parties I gladly would shun;
the thought of rejection just made me feel numb.
It took me that long to recover.

It gave me a fear, which I’ve kept all my life;
the next girl I danced with was my darling wife
and look where that got me; more trouble, more strife
as I bloody well soon did discover

So listen up lads, when you’re out with your mates;
forget about dancing with potential dates
because embarrassment leaves you in dire straits
and you’ll end up feeling a right dick.

If chatting up birds; get them on their own
or even better, chat them on the phone,
where there is less chance that you will be blown
Out and have phobias that make you feel sick!