Where's my sugar, Momma?

I need help. Well, yes, that kind as well, but I'm talking about monetary help. I've got bills and they need to be paid. I got a house payment, it's not too bad, at least I'm not upside down in it, unless I'm on my inversion table. I've got some vicious credit card bills as they seem to be jacking the interest rates up every month and give me a good beat down when I'm late, so you'll need to set these up in your bank's auto-pay along with the mortgage.

The credit cards are bad enough; they're almost as bad as my car payment, which we'll have to keep current so I can act like I'm looking for a job while hooking up with other Craigslist babes. The utility bills are not so bad, the electric bill is tapping about $400 a month because I'm home all day cruising Craigslist and watching porn, so I keep the temp at 72 degrees.

The lawn guys aren't too expensive either, they come every week, which a lot more than I do. They like to get paid in cash, so you'll need to set aside some for that and the maid, well, where do I start? Usually with the bra, but I digress, she doesn't know any English so I usually yell real loud and do some big arm movements or pitch a tent in my underwear and she knows just what to do.

I hope you've got a real good paying job and you might want to consider pizza delivery at night. Free pizza might help with the groceries too, I only eat organic food, so we'll be down at Whole Foods a lot. Second to groceries might be booze, yep, and I like to buy in bulk over at Wine and More. I like Lagavulan Scotch which is about $80 a bottle and Kim Crawford Sauvignon Blanc around $13 a bottle and cases of S. Pellegrino in the small bottles, they just taste better!

I also like to smoke a cigar every once and a while and I only smoke real Cubans. They cost a lot more with the dollar in the toilet, so a box of Romeo Y Julietas now costs around $525, at least in Europe where I buy them, about once a month. Ok, now, I only take these because I want them, not because I need them, Viagra, yep, and you'll learn to love them as well, but, they cost money, about $10 a pill, so we're going to need about 20 a month, well, I will anyway, you'll be busy working.

Well, that's about it, except for the boat, RV and camper, but they stay on a storage lot, we'll budget for those payments as well as the space rental and the house up in Bent Tree is almost paid for and it's a lot better than that time-share down in Panama City. Oh and don't forget my Blackberry, I guess I need to up my minutes are maybe I can get on your plan, like a family thing. I hope you can swing a hammer too, I got a few projects started and just need them finished up, shouldn't take too much of your spare time.

I'm married, so this will have to be on the side. Your looks are important, I know, I need to shed about 200 pounds to be 100 pounds overweight, you see, I'm just too short for my weight. Ok, you can be 40 or less, but I need you to look 29, yea, that sounds good and when you say you're 29, don't let it be your IQ, dress size and shoe size. And when you say you're 5'7" don't let it be in diameter! And when you say you weigh 110 pounds, please remember we're not on the moon, for crying out loud.

Ok, well, call yourself a Sugar Momma or I can be your Sugar Baby, it really don't make me no never mind....

Send over a picture of yourself holding a paycheck stub or better yet, you with a winning lotto ticket, so I'll know you are real....