Falling Makes You Blue

“Don’t you want to fall in love?”

The innocent timber of her voice caught Casim off guard. He blushed, redirecting his gaze out the window into the quiet afternoon.

“When I see people who are in love, walking and holding hands and such, I can’t help but feel that they’re suffering from some kind of sickness,” he said.

She laughed, tipping her head forward. Her hair shook free from its bun and fell to her shoulders. She looked at Casim sideways as if seeing him for the first time. She couldn’t tell if he was joking.

“Noooo, that’s so sad that you feel that way. Love is such a wonderful thing. Have you ever been in love, Casim?”

He scratched the tip of his nose. “No, not really. I mean, I’ve had girlfriends and I’ve cared about them, but never to the point…I don’t know.”

“No, finish. To what point?”

Casim shook his head and sighed.

“If you had girlfriends and never loved any of them then how do you know? I’ve had boyfriends too that I got over easily, but there’s some you never stop loving. They stay with you forever.”

While she talked Casim examined the softness of her features, how her complexion was browned but much less so than his. She had full lips, dark eyes and hair—none of which clearly distinguished between her mixed Pakistani and African blood.

“It’s just that—.” He wrestled with his thoughts, and after a moment he licked his lips and took a deep breath to speak clearly. “It’s just that, to me—love—is like an addiction. It makes you do things that are bad for you just to keep going. Without it life can be dull but when you develop this, addiction, life becomes hopeless and desperate—because the stakes are higher.”

Her face grew contemplative and she nodded her head. Casim continued.

“This is not what I know from personal experience but what I’ve seen, of my friends, of my parents. How hopeless it becomes when the honeymoon period is over and you realize you are so dependent on a person for approval and attention, to leave them is to abandon a part of yourself.”

She had been sitting on her bed with her legs crossed and now she uncrossed her legs and lay sideways with her head tucked against a pillow. She considered Casim with her dark eyes and smiled gently as if caught in a thought of something pleasant.

“You can take off your shoes if you want,” she said. Casim obliged.

“You can lie down on my bed too, I don’t mind.”

Casim hesitated because it had been awhile since he’d had sex. For Casim, sex came like the rain, never by his wanting but by its own will. And now he could hear the gentle pitter-patter of rain against his roof.

---------

Two months earlier, a plume of smoke rose before Casim’s reddened eyes, and he was sure he wanted to die. There was a slim chance he would pass all of his courses, a slimmer chance any medical school would accept him, and a chance so slim it was invisible to the eye but sharp to the touch that he would ever amount to anything worthy of his parents expectations.

Suddenly, he heard a beeping sound.

“Who removed the tape from the smoke alarm?” he shouted into the common room of his suite. No one answered. He stood up and felt a buzzing against his hip, in his pocket. He pulled out his cell-phone and sighed, reading the text message he’d received.

“Come down to Viva’s. Half pints on me.” (Ben Greenley).

Casim showered and changed into fresh clothes and put on sunglasses to hide his reddened eyes. Silly of him to smoke so early in the day, but it was necessary.

Ben had a warm, self-assured smile, a picture perfect look of the arch-typical ivy-leaguer.

“Hey, Casim meet Genna and Andrew,” said Ben.

“Nice to meet you,” all around. They sat and they drank and talked about things Casim was much too depressed to care about. In the middle of their conversation a girl sat down next to Andrew, tall and well groomed. She looked Indian of a sort but also black, and spoke in an American way. Casim wrote her off his list, “Much too pretty.” And continued through the night without introducing himself. If he’d been able to step outside of his troubled mind for a moment he would have noticed her studying him from the corner of her eyes, curious but somewhat bothered.

---------

“Has a girl ever fallen in love with you,” she said, almost a whisper.

“Yes, I think so. Once in high school she told me. You know, she said it.”

A pause.

“Well what did you say back?”

Casim shook his head. “Nothing, I just said “Bye” and hung up the phone.

“Oh,” she uttered, obviously disappointed. “Did you ever talk to her again?”

Casim turned over on his back and fixed his eyes on the ceiling. The room was falling into darkness as the sun sunk beneath the horizon.

“I saw her a month ago during Christmas vacation at my hometown supermarket. She looked different than I remembered her. I just said “Hi” and she waved and we had small talk and then she left the store.”

She looked at him for a moment. Silenced thickened the tension between them. Casim couldn’t decide if it was sexual or otherwise.

“Wow, Casim. That’s kind of pathetic.”

Casim laughed, but she didn’t return his smile.

“I think you need to grow a little. And I’m not judging you or anything but you need to experience life more. One day you’re going to meet a women and have strong feelings for her. And she may be the perfect woman for you but you’ll have messed it up because you’re so guarded.”

Casim said nothing. He swallowed heavily.

She laughed, “Sorry to get so serious on you. It’s whatever.” She sat up and slid off the bed, walking to a cabinet in the corner of her room. She pulled a tank top off of a wine bottle, “Do you want a drink?”

He sat up in her bed. “Sure.”

She poured wine into two cups. They drank. She resumed her spot next to him on the bed and rested her head on his shoulder. Casim felt obliged to say something charming but remained silent instead.

“Are you ok?” she asked.

“Yeah, why?”

“You seem tense.”

--------

Ben Greenly spoke with such confidence and eloquence it made Casim feel small in comparison. The more charismatic Ben became, the more Casim withdrew inside of himself. And again the same ambiguous girl from the bar. The one he couldn’t even introduce himself too. She was sitting next to Ben, the only one not hanging on his every word, immune to his charm.

She ran her fingers through her hair and snuck a glimpse at Casim. She noticed Casim wasn’t looking back so she kept her eyes on him and when Casim finally turned to meet her gaze she frowned a bit and turned back to listen to Ben.

She’s probably a bitch, Casim thought. That is why I shouldn’t even bother talking to her.

Suddenly everyone laughed and Ben smiled proudly. He glanced at Casim and frowned, “Hey, buddy, you alright?”

“Sure, I’m great.”

Ben turned to the girl. “Have you two met?”

She shook her head.

“Oh, well Casim this is…”

--------

“Are you a virgin?” she asked.

Casim put down his cup. “No not at all.”

“I know you’re not a virgin, I’m just teasing. I’ve actually seen you around.”

Casim picked up his cup and took a long drink.

“You were with this girl, she was kind of short.”

Casim scratched his chin.

“She had like greenish eyes.”

“Oh, right.”

“You know who I’m talking about?”

“Yeah, that was sophomore year. But we’re still friends. She’s with someone.”

She took his cup from him and placed it on the dresser. Then she leaned into him and put her hand on his knee.

“Tell me something,” she said.

Casim leaned over and kissed her. She pressed her face against his and kissed him more passionately, and ran her hand along his stubbled jaw.

He felt the curvature of her body, felt a shock at the tip of his fingers. She guided his hands along her hips. The room submerged itself into complete darkness until he could only feel, taste, and smell.

“My roommate comes back in twenty minutes,” she whispered.

Casim understood but he wanted to take his time.

--------

They walked through campus together, not holding hands but standing very close to each other. Casim became very aware of himself when he was with her. People would notice her beauty and see him whispering into her ear and put the two together in their mind’s.

“You two really hit it off the other day,” said Ben, while slumping on the futon of their common room.

“Yeah, she’s cool.”

“Maybe you should bring her along for Spring break, you know, there’s plenty of space in my cabin house, does she ski?”

Casim laughed. “Ben, it’s not that serious. She’s just a friend.”

Ben grinned, stretched his legs and crossed them, “Ok, whatever.”

At first they shared meals together and soon Casim stumbled into her in the university library. She had her books and papers all spread out, her laptop at the center of the mess, yet when she spotted him, she swept all of her papers and books aside. Casim sat next to her and set up his laptop, and she made a remark about his dimples. It was the first thing she’d ever noticed about him. He put his arm around the back of her chair, smiling effortlessly.

“See, you’re so cute,” she said, poking one of his dimples with her finger.

After several weeks, Casim discovered that she too was applying to medical school. Coming from a family of doctors, she felt destined for the profession though her grades suggested otherwise.

“Help me, Casim,” she said.

He held her hand firmly, “Do what you love. Never mind your parents,” he warned, silently wishing he had the courage to follow his own advice.

Spring Break brought him to Ben’s cabin house. While Ben and friends bombed hills in their ski’s, Casim texted her constantly. He tried to be inconspicuous about it, until Ben confronted him.

“Skiing not really your thing,” Ben asked.

Casim was distracted, “What, oh, skiing?”

Ben looked a bit frustrated, “Yeah, skiing. Look out the window, see the mountains?”

“Yeah, sorry.”

“You should have brought her with you. I knew this would happen.”

“How did you know, Ben?”

“Doesn’t everybody?”

-
Up late one night, Casim got a call:

“I’m drunk, come get me.” she slurred.

“Where are you?”

“I don’t know.” He heard noise in the background and a male’s voice.

“Where are you! Tell me, now!”

“Casim, I’ll call you back.”

He jumped to his feet, knocking his chair over in the process.

“Damn it, don’t hang up!”

She dropped the line.

Casim punched the air. He put on his jacket and raced about the campus to every party he knew that was taking place that night. He felt a surge of pain in his chest every time he saw a girl with dark hair and her shape, walking with a group or alone. He ran to her dorm residence, asked her suitemates if they’d seen her. They all shook their heads.

“I can guess where she is,” said one of her roommates. “She went to the Crew party.”

“Where’s the Crew house?” Casim shouted.

“It’s up Temple. But you won’t find her there.”

Casim turned back, “What do you mean?”

“Are you a friend or something?”

Casim looked around impatiently, “Yes, I guess so. Yeah, I’m a friend.”

“Oh, well, she’s with her boyfriend.”

Casim nearly fell to his knees. He felt his heart bottom out.
“Boyfriend?” The words crawled off his tongue. He thought he’d never have to say those words in reference to someone else.

“Yeah, well, there’s off again, on again. It’s complicated. I can tell her you were looking for her?”

Casim ran off. He didn’t stop to respond because he couldn’t face anyone. He needed to be alone with his thoughts, to bare his shame in private. “Boyfriend?” he said to himself. And still the word sounded strange to him.

That night a quiet plume of smoke rose before his face. He turned the lights out and kept the windows open. The flame burning near the tip of his fingers pulsed with his every breath.

“Sorry,” she said. “I should have told you.”

“I didn’t know you had a boyfriend.” Casim’s eyes were red, he hadn’t slept all night. He squinted behind his sunglasses.

“He’s my ex-boyfriend. It’s complicated, Casim.”

“It doesn’t seem that way to me. It’s very clear to me.”

“Please, Casim. I was drunk. I didn’t think he’d be there. It was just a bad situation.”

Casim clenched his fist. She put her hands over his hands to comfort him.

“Did you?” he asked.

“Did I what?”

“Did you or did you not?”

“Casim I cannot read your mind? Be clear?”

“Did you have sex with him?”

She drew her hands away and sat back in her chair. She looked off into the distance.

“Casim, maybe we shouldn’t hook up anymore. I feel like I’m going to hurt you.”

He took a deep breath. It felt as if every bit of oxygen entering his body, aired the fire burning inside of him.

“Fuck you.” And he left.
A week later he found himself at her bedside, running his fingers through her hair.

“You have such a gentle touch,” she whispered.

He leaned down and kissed her.

“Won’t you stay the night?”

“Should I?”

She shook her head, “You probably shouldn’t. But I want you to.”

Casim took off his shoes and removed his coat. He slipped into the bed and held her. And once again the gentle pitter-patter of rain against his roof.

In May she got a job offer to work in an art gallery in New York. She was very excited, though her parents threatened not to come to her graduation if she accepted the job offer.

“Should I, Casim?”

“You should do what you love. Never mind your parents,” he warned.

“Maybe you could convince them to come. I’ve told my mother all about you. She says I should be more like, Casim.”

He smiled. She kissed him.

During the graduation ceremony, Casim looked all around for her. He called her cell-phone, spoke to her friends, but no one had seen her for several days.

He flipped his tassel and threw his hat. His family gathered around him to take pictures.

“Casim, smile,” said his mother.

Casim smiled but it took all of the energy he had, all of his concentration.

Afterwards, he ran to her dorm and found her room empty, all of her belongings gone.

He found one of her suitemates, “Where did she go?” he asked.

“Oh, she left a few days ago, something about her family. It’s a shame she had to miss graduation.”

Casim sat down, he was exhausted from running across campus.”

“Are you, Casim,” asked her suitemate.

He nodded.

The girl looked at him for a moment. “She said you may come.”

“Why, did she leave something for me?”

The girl shook her head, “No, she left very quickly. But she talked about you a lot. I think she really liked you.”

Casim thanked the girl and left. As he walked back to his dorm, he laughed softly to himself, but not without pain. Because he felt sick, and the girl was gone.