And Now, A Word From Our Sponsors

I can still remember the day that I first became aware of the many uses of that wonder material VIP.

I was in the locker room of my local gym, talking to my good friend and work colleague, Bill Murphy
about how I was worried about losing my hair and how it would affect my marriage to my beloved
wife Susan.

Bill just smiled a broad smile and, reaching into his gym bag, pulled out a can of VIP, “Why don’t you just rub some VIP on it?”, he said.

Now, like many people, in those days I was not aware of the many amazing uses of VIP.

“VIP?”, I asked foolishly, “You mean the Salad Dressing?”.

Bill just laughed heartily, shaking his head and then he set me straight about VIP. He showed me a
coloured, miniature booklet with photographs which he had got free from VIPCO, the makers of VIP,by sending away tokens on the back of VIP's brightly coloured cans.

It was called “The Marvellous World of VIP” and in it were a hundred and one things that VIP could
do.

“They don’t call it the ‘Wonder Material’ for nothing, you know”, explained Bill, “VIP is the worlds only Omni-purpose substance. It’s a floor cleaner; a toothpaste; a medicine; a salad dressing; a super-strong adhesive; heck, it’ll do just about anything, even prevent hair loss”.

“Gee, thanks Bill”, I said, seeing VIP in a whole new light, “I gotta get me a can of VIP”.

After that, I rubbed VIP into my scalp everyday as part of my regular washing routine and drank a
pint of VIP too, after every meal, and before long my wife Susan really started to notice the
difference.

“Oh, David”, she said, coming up to me in the kitchen one day, after Church, “I don’t know what’s happened to you. Recently, it’s like you’ve become your old self again. So strong and so virile with a thick and lustrous head of hair, just like when I first met you”.

That’s when I presented my wife with a specially gift wrapped can of VIP, a present that no wife can refuse, and told her about its amazing 101 uses.

But Susan just laughed and got out her own can of VIP.

“Oh, David”, she said, “I’ve always known about the amazing properties of VIP. How do you think I
manage to stay so slim or get my kitchen so sparkling clean?”.

But, just then, I noticed something odd about the can of VIP she was holding; the label started to
peel off and there was another label underneath. That’s when I realized.

“Why, this is not a can of VIP!”, I said.

And then my Wife, Susan, confessed everything, revealing her true identity and her diabolical plans to take over the world.

“I’m a Martian, David”, she said, “And I have come to spread the Martian way, communism. We’re all communists on Mars”.

“Oh my god!”, I said, horrified.

It was then that she tried to lift up her wig and show me her antennae but thankfully, I had that gift wrapped, two litre can of VIP and, tearing off the easy to remove wrapping paper and opening it’s neat, “no mess-no fuss” resealable lid, I poured VIP all over Susan’s head shouting, “VIP is also a ‘bug-killer’ you Marxist-alien scum”.

And that’s when I saw what VIP can do to a Martian.

“No, David, no!”, she screamed as she started to melt, “Not the VIP! Anything but that. Uggh!”.

Before long, my wife, Susan, was just a pile of glowing alien goo on the kitchen floor.

Thankfully, VIP also makes a marvellous floor cleaner and I had just enough left to clean up the mess.

Then, I went out and got myself another wife; the good, old fashioned, American, VIP loving kind.

And all I can say is, “Thank you VIP, for changing my life”.