Captain Evil Tory

“The ship is too heavy captain”, said a frantic Bosun running onto the bridge of the H.M.S Britain, “There’s too much cargo in the hold; she won’t stay afloat. We have to jetison some of it, the gold or the diamonds we’re carrying”.

“Get rid of billions worth of gold and diamonds?”, said Captain Evil Tory turning to face the Bosun with a scowl on his face, “Are you joking? No, what we need to do is get rid of half the lifeboats and half the medical supplies as well while we’re at it, they’re what’s weighing us down, Bosun”.

“But what if the ship sinks, captain?”, said the Bosun, stunned, “There won’t be enough lifeboats for everyone”.

“People need to learn to swim, Bosun”, said the Captain, striking a noble pose, “If you give everyone a life boat, then some people will never learn to swim”.

“Alright but you’re going to provide lifeboats for the elderly and disabled at least?”, asked the Bosun.

“Oh, but they need to learn to swim more than any. Swimming is good for you, it makes you fit and builds your character”, said Tory.

“But what about the sharks in the water?”, said the Bosun.

“People need to learn to battle sharks Bosun”, said Evil Tory, “Jabbing them with a pen in the eye socket, that always works”.

“Well, what about you?”, asked the Bosun, “I assume you’re going to be swimming as well”.

“Oh no, I’m going to be in the lifeboat with all the wealthy passengers”, said the Captain, “Remember the rules, Bosun. Whenever a ship is sinking, “Rich people first””

“I thought it was “Women and Children first””, said the Bosun.

“No, its rich people first”, said the Captain handing the Bosun a copy of the ‘Evil Tory Book of Nautical Rules’, “Rich people, then pets, then luggage, then poor people. Look it up”.