What It Is

SCENE ONE

THE ACTION TAKES PLACE IN A LOCAL AUTHORITY ADVICE CENTRE.

THERE IS A WIDE DESK, ON WHICH IS PLACED A TELEPHONE. THERE IS A CHAIR BEHIND IT. TWO SIGNS ARE HANGING UP. ONE SAYS ‘SOCIAL CARE, HOMELESSNESS AND EMERGENCY HOUSING‘, ONE WARNS THAT: 'THREATENING AND INTIMIDATING LANGUAGE OR BEHAVIOUR WILL NOT BE TOLERATED'. A ROW OF CHAIRS, FOR PEOPLE TO WAIT ON, IS PLACED AWAY FROM THE DESK

JOE REID, ANN HARPER AND MR GRAY ARE STANDING IN FRONT OF THE DESK. BEA IS STANDING IN THE BACKGROUND, BEHIND THE DESK.

JOE REID: I’m here to see some bitch from the council about a place to live.

MR GRAY: I’m here to see some bitch from the council about my Dad’s commode.

ANN: I’m here to see some bitch from the council about this letter I got.

BEA (stepping forward): I am today’s bitch from the council. Good morning!

SHE TAKES HER SEAT BEHIND THE DESK

BEA: Can I help you?

JOE REID SITS DOWN AT THE DESK

JOE REID: What it is, is, I’m homeless. I need somewhere to live.

BEA (Ticking off items on a checklist): Name and date of birth?

JOE HOPE: Joe Reid. R-e-i-d. 10th August 1982.

BEA: Pregnant?

JR: No

BEA: Dependent children living with you?

JR: My son comes to visit at weekends. Or he will do, when I’ve somewhere to live.

BEA: If the child has somewhere safe to live, it - he - is not our concern. Serious mental or physical illness?

JR: No

BEA: Have you served a prison sentence of longer than twelve months?

JR: Eleven months.

BEA (writing): Not twelve months. Fleeing violence or harassment, or threat of violence or harassment?

JR: My girlfriend’s father says he’ll kill me if he sees me again.

BEA: Reported to the police? Incident numbers?

JR: You’re fucking joking! He’s a big bloke and I’d quite like to live.

BEA: I would draw your attention to the sign which does indicate that abusive or intimidating language or behaviour will not be tolerated. Lost your home due to fire, flood or similar disaster?

JR: You’re not hearing me. I haven’t got a home to lose.

BEA: (presenting him with the check list and a pen): Sign here, please.

JR: Now do I get somewhere to live?

BEA: Just a minute. (Signs the paper) You are not in a Category of Priority Need and the council does not have a duty to house you immediately. Here are some leaflets about rented property you cannot afford, a form for a bond guarantee scheme no landlord will accept, and a Council Housing List Application Form you cannot fill in until you have a permanent address to apply from. You may appeal this decision, in writing, within twenty-eight days. Thank you. You’re welcome. Next please.

JR: Not Priority Need? But I’m fucking homeless! I’m sleeping in a bloody car. If I go on like this I’ll lose my job. If I go on like this I’ll never see my son. What about his fucking needs?

BEA: I would draw your attention to the sign behind me once more. If you continue to use abusive language I shall have to ask you to leave the premises, if you refuse to leave the premises I shall call the police to escort you from the building, and if you refuse to be escorted you may well find your problem solved by being housed at Her Majesty’s pleasure tonight. Next please!

JR (getting up): It’s all right for you, isn’t it, sat there behind your nice big desk. Nothing gets to you behind that, does it? Nothing can touch you there. This is a fucking joke, this is. A fucking bloody joke.

BEA: More than you’ll ever know. Next please!

EXIT JOE REID

WORKPERSON ENTERS AND TAKES DOWN THE ‘SOCIAL CARE, HOMELESS AND EMERGENCY HOUSING’ SIGN, REPLACING IT WITH ONE SAYING ‘SOCIAL CARE, HOUSING AND HOMELESS EMERGENCIES’

BEA: What’s that?

WP: Reorganisation, love. Sharpening of focus, readjustment of priorities. New focus, new sign.

EXIT WORKPERSON

BEA: Can I help you?

MR GRAY: Hello. My name’s Gray. Mr Gray. What it is, is, it’s my Dad’s commode.

BEA: Right.

MR GRAY: It’s upstairs.

BEA: Yes.

MR GRAY: He’s downstairs.

BEA: Who is?

MR GRAY: My Dad.

BEA: So you want the commode that’s upstairs, downstairs.

MR GRAY: No.

BEA: So you want a stair lift to get your Dad up to the commode?

MR GRAY: No.

BEA: So you want a very long hosepipe.

MR GRAY: It’s my Mum.

BEA: What is?

MR GRAY: Upstairs.

BEA: So your Mum needs the commode?

MR GRAY: Yes. Only she’s upstairs and she can’t get downstairs, and he’s downstairs and he can’t get upstairs. So she can use his upstairs, and he needs another one downstairs.

BEA: Couldn’t we just put in a stair lift?

MR GRAY: Oh no. She likes being upstairs and he likes being downstairs.

BEA: But how does she go out?

MR GRAY: She doesn’t. She doesn’t like going downstairs.

BEA: Fill in this form and I’ll send it through to the Occupational Therapists.

MR GRAY (filling in form): So how long will it be?

BEA: They’ll get a letter in ten days.

MR GRAY: Oh, that’s good.

BEA: Offering them an appointment in six months.
MR GRAY: But what are they to do in the meantime?

BEA: Buy a bungalow?

EXIT MR GRAY

BEA SEES ANN APPROACHING THE DESK
SHE IS MIDDLE AGED, WEARY, SHABBILY DRESSED

BEA (aside): Oh shit.

ANN: What it is, is, I want to see my Social Worker.

BEA: Who is it you’re seeing at the moment, Ann?

ANN: That Helen. I don’t like her. I used to see Andrew. He were nice. He listened to me. Not like that Helen. I don’t like her.

MR HOPE ENTERS AND SITS DOWN, WAITING TO BE SEEN

BEA: Have you got an appointment, Ann?

ANN: That Helen. She’s fucking useless. She never helps me. No-one ever helps me. That fucking community psychiatric nurse, he were useless too. I wanted to go into the hospital but he wouldn’t let me. He said I weren’t bad enough to go into the hospital. I said, how fucking bad do you want me to be? And you know, I got learning difficulties too.

BEA: No you haven’t.

ANN: Yes I fucking have. I’m thick and I can’t read or write.

BEA: Not officially you haven’t. You’re not quite thick enough.

ANN: Well I’ve got this letter, from the council. Can you read it to me?

BEA: This is from Helen. The social worker.

ANN: That cow.

BEA: She’s finding it difficult to get hold of you. You haven’t got a phone.

ANN: I have. But it don’t work anymore.

BEA: Did you pay your bill?

ANN: I never used it.

BEA: You still have to pay the bill, Ann. You have to pay for renting the phone line.

ANN: I bought the phone. Our Steven bought it me. Before he went away to prison he said, ‘Mam, you need to have this phone’. He bought it me. I don’t rent it.

BEA: Yes, but you have to pay for using the phone line.

ANN: No, that come with it. All the wires and the plug thing, that all come with it. I don’t rent it. Our Steven bought it me.

BEA: Ann, Helen is trying to make an appointment to see you. She had to write to you because, for one reason or another, you don’t have a phone you can use.

ANN: But I can’t read.

BEA: I’ll phone Helen now and see if we can sort something out.

ANN: Will she make it so I can go into the hospital?

BEA: A social worker can’t put you in hospital, Ann. Not intentionally, anyway.

ANN: I wanna go see our Steven. He’s high security, you know, in Wakefield. I dunno how to get there. I asked our Angela but she won’t take me.

BEA: Well, it was her he tried to kill.

ANN: That social worker, will she take me to see Steven?

BEA: I don’t think so, Ann, but she might be able to help you find out how to see him.

ANN: Could you find out for me? Could you ring the prison people and tell them I want to see our Steven?

BEA: I’m going to ring Helen now, Ann.

MR HOPE: ‘Scuse me, love, I’m not being funny, but I’ve taken time off work to come and sort out my housing. Is there someone else could come out and see me? What it is, is…

BEA: I’m sorry, but due to staff shortages we are unable to see more than one person at a time. This situation is under review. Please take a seat. I will be with you as soon as I can.

ANN: I were here, you know. I were here first. You can’t go dealing with him.

BEA: I’m not going to, Ann.

MR HOPE: Look, love, far as I can see this woman’s got personal things to discuss and it’s going to take some time. I’m not being funny, love, but we’re all entitled to a service here. And also, love, I can hear every word this woman’s saying and I don’t think that’s right, know what I mean, love? I don’t think this is the way the council should be doing its business.

BEA: I’m sorry, but due to a shortage of interview rooms -

ANN: You listening to my business?

MR HOPE: No, love, I’m just saying. I don’t think it’s right.

ANN: Well fuck off. This lady’s dealing with me. I don’t see why I should tell you my business.

MR HOPE: I don’t want to hear your business. I’m not interested in your business. I’m interested in my business and I’ve taken time off work to get it sorted out.

ANN: You’re fucking lucky to have work to take time off from. You fuck off and think about how lucky you are, and leave this lady to deal with me.

BEA: Ann –

MR HOPE: It’s always the same in here. Hang about, wait your turn, there’s no-one available. I’m not being funny, love, but are you trying to tell me there’s not a load of them behind that door, feet up on these nice big, wide desks, having coffee breaks on my time and my taxes?

BEA: If you would like to take a seat…

MR HOPE: No I wouldn’t like to take a bloody seat. I want to see someone, now, about my business, that I’ve taken time off work to sort out. So you tell that lot back there to get off their arses and come and see the people who pay their wages.

BEA: I would draw your attention to the sign which says that abusive and intimidating language or behaviour will not be tolerated.

ANN: Yeah, you don’t use language like that to this lady. You sit down and wait your fucking turn.

MR HOPE: If you weren’t simple I’d tell you where to go.

ANN: I’m not simple! I’ve got fucking learning difficulties!

BEA: Not officially you haven’t.

MR HOPE: I’m not trying to be funny, love…

ANN: Don’t call me fucking simple!

BEA: We’re open till five o’clock. If you would like to come back later…

MR HOPE: Are you hearing me? I’ve taken time off work to come here. How can I come back later?

ANN: You do as you’re fucking told.

MR HOPE: Look, love, just get me the manager.

BEA: I’m sorry, the managers are all upstairs in a managers’ meeting.

MR HOPE: Doing what?

BEA: Meeting. Managing. Managing meetings.

MR HOPE: So who’s in charge down here?

BEA: I am this morning’s punch bag from the council. Good morning!

MR HOPE: This is bloody pointless. Will you tell them, love, that Mr Hope came to sort out these bloody arrears they keep telling me I’ve got, but they were all in a bloody meeting. And if one of them could find the time to give me a ring sometime today, then I’d be very grateful. In fact, I’d be bloody astounded.

EXIT MR HOPE

BEA: Now, let me ring your social worker, Ann. Hello, can I speak to Helen Smith please? It’s Bea from the Contact Team. I’ve got Ann Harper on the front desk. Helen’s been trying to get in touch with her to make an appointment …no, she hasn’t got a phone… but she can’t read … right, I’ll tell her that then. Ann, I’m sorry but Helen isn’t in the office, and there’s no-one who has access to her diary. What she’s going to have to do, Ann, is she’s going to have to send you another letter –

ANN: But I can’t fucking read.

BEA: I know. But she’s going to send you another letter, with a time for your appointment, and you can bring it in here for us to read to you.

ANN: But how will I know which is the right letter to bring?

BEA: It will be on headed paper, Ann, like this one is.

ANN: But they’re writing me about my housing, too. That’s on headed paper.

BEA: Who’s writing to you about your housing?

ANN: I don’t know. I can’t read.

BEA: Have you got the letter with you?

ANN: No.

BEA: So how did you know which letter to bring with you today?

ANN: I didn’t. If I’d brought the housing one you could have sorted that for me.

BEA: Why didn’t you bring both letters, Ann?

ANN: I can’t find the other one.

BEA: How do you know it’s about your housing?

ANN: ‘Cos when I saw the manager woman, what do you call her?

BEA: The council Estate Manager?

ANN: Yeah. When I saw her, she said she’d be sending me a letter. I told her I couldn’t read it. But she said she had to send it anyway. To make sure I was informed.

BEA: Informed about what?

ANN: I don’t know. I can’t read it.

BEA: Well, next time you come, bring every letter you’ve got from the council. We’ll take it from there.

ANN: So, will the Social Worker sort out for me to get to Wakefield to see our Steven?

BEA: Talk to Helen about it when you see her .

ANN: I don’t get no help, you see. I don’t get no help from no-one. Except you, darling. Thank you very much.

BEA: You’re welcome, Ann.

ANN: Here, and don’t you let that bloke, that rude fucker, don’t you let him annoy you.

BEA: I won’t.

EXIT ANN

BEA IS LEFT ALONE. SHE TAKES A LETTER OUT OF HER POCKET AND READS IT. FROM THE WINGS A VOICE READS.

VOICE: Further to our previous letter about your account, we would advise you that you have further exceeded your credit limit -

BEA PUTS THAT LETTER DOWN AND TAKES OUT ANOTHER.

VOICE: Unless we receive your remittance within the next fourteen days -

BEA PUTS THAT ONE DOWN AND TAKES OUT ANOTHER.

VOICE: It is a condition of any loan secured on your property -

BEA PUTS THE LETTERS AWAY