come into me

By snowcherriesfromfrance

Sun, 09 Mar 2008
  • 1062 reads
3 comments
 

He bared his teeth, gnarling at me in response to the apparent ingratitude I had subjected him to.
I gulped in his putrid breathe staring down at the curve of my sandals, as he heaved.
Craving experience, I stared out into the crowd with my hands gripped around my coffee. He was passing in front of me. Did that actually just happen? I wondered to myself. I put my hand on my chest and my heart was outside of my body, beating faster than I'd felt in a while. It was shocking. I was simply shocked. I turned fast around to see, but like any good crowd it had swallowed him whole, without a trace.
I knew this man. He was an occupant in the same building, we had gone to meetings together though never talked or acknowledged one another... before that moment. I wished to live in that moment forever, to feel it linger, my heart racing at his charge; but it was passing. As my heart rate slowed I considered whether, in this situation, he was actually more alive than I was, even more than I'd ever felt; but I couldn't decide. I certainly hadn't looked alive. I hadn't even smiled, maybe that's why he was angry.

Certificate U
Story
Romance

Comments

Submitted by BeamsAndVoids on
nicely captured some real life there

 

Submitted by Juliet OC on
i agree this is a great slice of life. I particularly liked this line: I turned fast around to see, but like any good crowd it had swallowed him whole, without a trace. In a piece this short however every line and every word must work and i felt some of the lines were a little tired e.g. I wished to live in that moment forever, maybe set yourself a strict word count e.g. 150 and then try to convey this moment making every word count. Juliet Juliet

Juliet

Submitted by Ewan on
Juliet's advice is good. Sometimes a received phrase just sneaks in, try to look out for them: then profit from them. I mean try to subvert them, change them in some way to make them fresh. I often do this by word association. Juliet's example from your work: I wished to live in that moment forever Forever Amber (Terrible book very popular a lot of years ago) Amber is one of the oldest substances on earth: often small extinct (and still extant) creatures are preserved in pieces of it. 'I wanted the moment to be amber, and I the fly.' Which isn't brilliant, but it's not a recieved phrase (polite for cliche: I always say, if it sounds familiar, change it). As Juliet also points out there is some very good stuff too, the word count thing is a great tool for writing practise. Hope this is helpful and not offensive/patronising/unwelcome Ewan

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