Discover the Bay

Hiya folks! Welcome to Aquarium of the Bay, where the fun never ends. If you’re not convinced, look no further than my face!

I’m Zak: Interpretive Naturalist, not just your Dumb-as-Donuts elevator boy. I might not have my Phd in Marine Biology yet, but I do know slightly more than you, which is all I’ll need to fill your ready eyes with wonder.

Right on!

It’s not all me though, I’m just one of many naturalists here to tell you about the mind-blowing creatures in our tanks, answer all your inanely self-evident questions, and make your time here as enjoyable as possible.

>

We’re currently going down to ‘Under The Bay’ [noises to invoke mystery/ anticipation], where you’ll walk through two tunnels sitting in 700,000 gallons of water. You’ll see 20,000 creatures including sharks, giant sea bass and sturgeon, all of which come from that colossal estuary we call San Francisco Bay.

Brace yourselves for a scuba diver’s impression of the bay and don’t worry, the tunnels are made from three-inch thick acrylic; they’re completely safe. It’s said they can withstand an earthquake. This is yet to be proven, so if you see any cracks, don’t keep it to yourself. I jest! Where I’m from we say things we don’t mean, for fun. What part of Australia? Well, no part actually, I’m from London. Whereabouts? Finchley, you know it? Great . . . Please just bear with me one minute and I’ll tell you about Shirley.

Ever met Shirley? Well, don’t try to shake her hand; she’s our nine foot nine seven-gill shark. She’s the largest seven-gill in captivity. Did you know she bit off the wing of a full-grown skate yesterday? Remember: she hasn’t been fed today, so watch out!

>

Ok, the doors are about to open and the water will pretty much gush in all at once, so hold your breath. I jest. We’re here at Under The Bay, where I’m sure you haven’t the faintest interest in these placards telling you about estuary functions, so you might as well scurry ahead to the fishies.

Look at the beautiful sea stars pressed against the glass. See how they trap tiny fish under their body? That decomposing mush of fishbones is digestion in action. Did you know that if you slice a starfish down the center it could grow into two separate ones?

. . . Ma’am, please take your child off the ledge, it’s a safety hazard . . .

Look at all those anchovies - eight thousand of them swooshing and spiraling in a panoramic glistening supernova of sealife. They communicate through tiny vibrations in the water, changes in pressure picked up by microscopic cells on their scales.

. . . hey kid, the conveyor belt is not a toy . . .

Take a look at these funny looking sheephead fish. Did you know they all start life as females? When they’re eight they have the opportunity to change gender. This has nothing to do with deep-rooted conflicts in their sexual identity. The truth is sheepheads only need one alpha-male in any school. Females must reach a gentleman’s agreement as to which one gets to change.

. . . Oi kiddo; abuse that conveyor belt one more time and I’ll teach you not to ride it the wrong way . . .

You’re back at the elevators, so listen to the infuriatingly perky man on the video screen:

“You’ve seen all the fish, now you’ll actually have the chance to touch some of the animals from around the bay! Remember: when you touch another live animal, you make a real connection, so what you’re about to do is very special.“

>

Stand clear of the doors, and we’re off. Did you all enjoy that? Fantastic. Well, the fun doesn’t end there. Just look at my face. And in case you forgot, we’re going to the ‘Touch Pools’, where you’ll get to touch some of the creatures you just saw. Be delicate though, they’re all very young. Try not to swing them round your heads, that makes them unhappy.

>

So this is the grand finale or whatever. In this pool you’ll find skates, batrays and one shovel-nosed guitar fish. You can touch them like this, look: one finger, gently, on the tips of their wings. Don’t worry, the bat rays have their stingers clipped every few weeks. Hello, hello Sir, just on the tips of their wings, no one likes their face being touched by strangers. Ma’am, hi ma’am! Please just on the tips of their wings. Your kids are managing fine, so you should too. Will it sting? Well, since you weren’t listening: yes, it could sting. Actually, the one you’re stroking killed Steve Irwin; let’s just hope your kids don’t love you too much.

Now you’re bored of the flat-bodied things let’s see the leopard sharks. Fact: leopard sharks can sense electricity, so when you walk about the pool they know exactly where you are. Did you know they have tiny taste buds between their scales? They can actually taste your greasy little fingers.

I’ll say it once: touch them between their dorsal fins, with one finger. Excuse me Sir, one finger, and your child is trying to pick one up by the tail, stop him immediately. Ok everyone, one finger only. Do they like being touched? I don’t know, why don’t you ask them? Yes, it is unfortunate their tank is so small they have nowhere to hide. Sir, SIR, your child is about to fall in the pool. That was close, you should keep watch. Oi boy, no grabbing or poking and wait, didn’t you already cause enough trouble on the conveyor belt?

Right, now you’ve abused the sharks in more ways than I had thought possible, lets see the invertibrates. In this last pool you’ll find sea stars, sea anemonies, sea urchins and sea cucumbers. The rules are the same. Please don’t use these five-armed cuties as ninja stars or the sea cucumbers as water balloons. Yes, oversized mother of four with a giant pirate tattoo, they are living things, so they don’t appreciate being pumelled like silly putty. They might not have brains but their nervous systems are sensitive to pain like you and I. How do I know? I’ve just finished my Phd on Sea Cucumbers. I profess that over the next thousand years they’ll evolve into giant, thick-skinned monsters as an adaptational response to molestation by Aquarium guests. Yes mother of four, I am an Australian, well spotted. I come from Melbourne, where we never wash our bodies and travel only by kangaroo.

. . . Hold on snot-nose, you can’t just prod the sea urchin’s tubes like that. This isn’t dissecting frogs in second grade, these are living things. And please don’t ignore me like you did in the tunnels and at the shark pools. No, they don’t sting . . . Wait, that one you just touched? That was the poisonous one. What does that mean? It means you’re going to die. It’s terrible, you wont even start to feel it until you’re about eight. Sweet child of fate, don’t tell your parents, or they’ll die too. It’s an unexplained phenomenon. Here comes mum, so Shhhhhh.

And that just about wraps up your visit. Before you leave, listen to the perky man do his all-smiles zero-integrity finisher.

‘Did the animals feel the way you expected? I hope you’ve enjoyed your aquarium experience, and that the things you’ve seen will inspire you to preserve the bay. Think about what you can do to make the bay a better place for you AND the fish. Hope to see you again sometime!”

That’s your trip done. I am positive you haven’t retained anything useful, but perhaps you’ll remember in a general kind of way what it’s like to see and touch various animals. I hesitate to remind you your tickets are valid all day, so for now I’ll just say bye and thank you kindly for vanishing into all obscurity.

I’m Zak, Interpretive Naturalist. This is Aquarium of the Bay, where the fun never ends where the fun never ends where the fun never ends.

For the love of God.

Just look at my face.