Happy Anniversary…

She was sitting in front of the Tele
With a face like an old melted Wellie
And as I walked in through the door
Her foot started tapping the floor

Her suspenders looked quite out of place
They were white; the same shade as her face.
I said ‘Hello darling, it’s me!
Is there anything nice cooked for tea?’

She stood, her French knickers askew,
It was then I copped on and I knew;
There was something, that wasn’t quite right
And I was in, what is known as ‘Deep Shite!’

I started to sober up quickly
I smiled but it felt a bit sickly
She said, ‘You’re a bollocks, you are!’
As I stared at her peek-a-boo bra

‘You’ve forgotten what day it is now!’
I said, ‘It’s Friday, you daft cow.’
With a suspender strap gripped in her fist
She said, ‘You’re not only stupid, you’re pissed!’

‘It’s just twenty years now, to the day
that my proud father gave me away.’
‘You never told me that, I said
and it doesn’t sound one bit like Ted!’

‘It’s the day we were married you prick;
Fuck me; you’re as thick as a brick!’
That’s when I deemed, ‘I am so done;
let me blow my brains out with a gun!’

And so, stood, with my nuts in a knot,
just wishing that I could be shot;
I asked, ‘What about a Chinese?’
in a desperate attempt to appease.

She just kind of snarled through her teeth
I watched as her chest heaved beneath
‘Just you, get the fuck out of my sight
or I swear I will kill you tonight!’

‘How can you be so hurtful to me,
and on the night of our anniversary?’
but when she let a guttural roar
I made at top speed for the door.

The motel room is large and it’s clean
And the T.V. has got a big screen
I’m wondering; would it be astute,
to ring up and ask for a clean suit?