How to be a White Van Driver

There exist a set of mandatory rules for the proper conduct of White Van Drivers when using the public highway. Failure to adhere to these rules could result in loss of privileges, instant dismissal or, in extreme cases, demotion to riding a bicycle.

1. White Vans are white for a reason. They show up the dirt better than other colours. White Vans must NEVER be washed or polished. Advertisements about the Company on the side or rear of the vehicle should be utterly illegible.

2. However, it is obligatory for one notice posted on the van to retain its readability – the “How is my driving” statement. This is the closest thing to irony to which a White Van Driver can aspire. Therefore, to enhance the effect, the telephone number given to call should be an automatic, premium rate line which, when the instructions are followed, leads the caller onto a never-ending, circular tour. A bit like the M25.

3. All meals taken during the working (sic) day by a White Van Driver must include the following:
a. Chips
b. Buttered toast
c. Fried eggs and bacon
d. Tomato ketchup and/or brown sauce
e. Strongly brewed tea with condensed milk and 5 or 6 heaped spoons of sugar.

4. Acceptable reading matter:
a. The Sun
b. The Daily Mail
c. The Sporting Life
d. Betting slips
e. Take-away menus
f. Well thumbed, back issues of Playboy.

5. White Van Drivers don’t actually read newspapers, if they can read at all that is. They study only the sports section and page three. The correct form of exclamation upon reaching page three is, “Cor, what a pair of knockers.”

6. White Van Drivers only drink:
a. Strong lager
b. Stronger lager
c. Extra strong lager
d. Tea (see above).

7. Any White Van Driver caught drinking
a. Decaffinated coffee
b. Fruit tea
c. Cinzano™ and lemonade or
d. Bottled water
will have their licence revoked immediately and be required to attend a re-toxification clinic at their own expense.

8. Double-parking is compulsory for White Van Drivers; as are parking on double yellow lines and using space reserved for disabled drivers. Additional merit can be earned when blocking in the following types of transportation:
a. Mercedes and BMW cars
b. Invalid carriages
c. Public Transport Buses
d. Any form of emergency vehicle.

9. White Van Drivers are exempt from most Local Authority Rules and Regulations. In particular, white Van Drivers MUST:
a. Smoke roll-up cigarettes
b. Park askew, with at least one wheel on the kerb
c. Throw litter on the pavement and in the road
d. Cough up phlegm and spit regularly
e. Swear compulsively.

10. At all times when on the road, White Van Drivers are required to:
a. Cut up other vehicles (especially taxis and buses)
b. Drive not less than 17.75 inches behind the preceding vehicle (13.25 inches if the vehicle in front has a child on board)
c. Ignore Pedestrian Crossings
d. Use a Mobile Phone
e. Emit noxious fumes from the exhaust system
f. Force cyclists off the road
g. Drink lager from a can
h. Pick their nose and scratch their arse.

11. While the vehicle is in motion, a White Van Driver must have the driver’s window fully wound down so that suitable arm and hand gestures can be directed towards other road users (see below).

12.
Sub-section a. A White Van Driver needs to pay close attention to the maintenance of air quality, particularly within the driver’s cabin. He will need to be especially inventive in this regard as it is obligatory to keep the driver’s side window open. Therefore, an atmosphere needs to be nurtured that can resist the de-contaminating tendencies of fresh air. Regular farting is unlikely, by itself, to be sufficient although a diet high in saturated fats, beef vindaloo curries and strong lager will help. Half-eaten donner kebabs, tucked into inaccessible places around the cabin are also a good way to cultivate the correct ambience. When all else fails, a mouldering rat and/or festering pigeon deposited behind the door panel, will go a long way to distilling the background fragrance that is desired.

Sub-section b. The inside of the vehicle is to be kept in a constant state of extreme filth and disorder. Soiled paper-handkerchiefs, crushed lager cans, crumpled newspapers, losing Lottery scratchcards, cardboard containers from fast food outlets and unpaid parking-fine notices are recommended as interior decoration.
Remember, once a condition of maximum foulness has been achieved, it is unlikely that the cockroach infestation will get any worse. A White Van Driver should aspire to creating a working environment that is so disgusting no-one else would ever want to enter the vehicle without protective clothing and a self-contained breathing apparatus.

13. Finally, to a White Van Driver, skiving is an art form that has to be practiced assiduously. It’s not a question of mere laziness or even an attitude of general lethargy but an active set of behaviours using deep sighs, feet-dragging and belligerent demonstrations of extreme reluctance and resistance. As Jeremy Clarkson once observed, “Work is endlessly fascinating. When I was a White Van Driver in my privileged youth, I was able to sit and worry about it for hours. And now see where it’s got me!”