I am a fucking idiot!

So I call myself a fucking idiot
Like it supposedly should have been from the start
As I think of the outcome, which could be enough considerate
Against the odds, it should show my leaving favourable and smart

I hate the feeling of shame and confusion
I hate that I crave the sound of your voice
I hate the feeling of an illusion
I hate that I even hate, that to hate is not my own choice

How could I escape from all this -
How could I stay and make u mine
I’m just hitting the wall every time I try to find the bliss
And bleeding inside out when I claim, that everything is fine