I used to dream about

I used to dream about knowing the difference between dreaming and waking. I used to be able to turn into the wind and talk to God without thinking that I was just kidding myself. I would not listen to a coward like me who only ever thinks of prayer when in need. And ever so often when I was answered I used to remember to be thankful and mean it. Not like an after thought and an accompanying feeling of guilt. The world was alive once. I could tap into its consciousness and remember that I participated in it. I respected it and did what I could so that my contributions were honorable. In short I used to have a horse and the accompanying dignity.

Truth is that I would most probably hate that past me with her values and principles and all her divinity; which I could swear was false. No one ought to have such wide eyes. I would think her foolish and try and change her. So here I am having done unthinkables in her eyes, dwelling on her memory. Time is a sad thing to waste. Hers had been spent looking for meaning no matter what happened to her. She never used the injustices in life as a crutch, never floated day by day doing routine tasks and fixating on things that were beyond her control. The time lost weighs on me like the bags under my eyes after weary sleep. The sight of them in the mirror multiplying their effect ten fold. Telling me I surpassed my limits and the rest I need I will not find in this body flesh and bone. She used to be ever present.

But really I wonder now what I used to be because of what I am. My latest fixation is as usual a boy. Tall, sort of handsome and isn’t that is all it takes. I know that for some unknown reason he finds me intriguing and he knows that I do not feel the same. I wonder if he wonders whether I am capable at all of feeling. I see no future just more wasting of time. Although on occasion he sweeps me away with the motion of his thoughts. I want then to be fun again to know for sure that tomorrow I will see him again and still want to be here. I wonder if its only loneliness I try and chase away when I snuggle in his arms. When he is around I am all wrapped u in his being, his feelings, and his attempts to make this more than what it actually is. And then I contemplate commitment. I sway him the one way and change my mind the next day. In truth I am scared of him, that he might one day catch a hold of me. That one day one of the seeds he is sowing will take root and branch out to the essence of my very existence. I try and blame it on the others.

Adrian is the pivotal point, the unmoving rock and my governing star in the heavens. The one that seems most real and the one that I am the most delusional about. We lie together sometimes and hold hands. Sometimes I want him there all the time. Once had been him alone occupying this universe that no longer has a name. It hasn’t decided whether life should be able to exist here but persists in staying put in this uncertainty. I realized that even when every part of me had died I still clung onto to life with a resilience that even astounds me. The need to feel and to be, the most paramount. Turning people into what I needed.

Then karma kicks in and a Haley comes along. Someone that understands you and has the right response. Someone who refuses to be dragged into your delusional states. Refuses to pretend with you. Makes you aware of how insecure and weak you are being and worst of all is for some reason vital to your every breath. He reminds you of a fresh summer morning in June. You take to hours of swooning. You write and rediscover it anew. Half in half out, you cant really tell. Even when he doesn’t do enough you don’t want him gone. He too, you come to realize portrays all the ones you ever let treat you badly, yet now that your past regret is just a lingering after thought. You wonder if you can change him if you persist but you know that you don’t really want to. You just needed someone to talk to and it all got very boring very soon. Now he means less than you thought possible but is still there and a ghost of that other you haunts him and you wonder if he will notice that you are gone. But that is his illusion; at least you get to watch it all play out.

The no name handsome boy called again last night. You haven’t seen him in weeks and have barely spoken on the phone. You resent him for not being more in love with you. Is it just because he is there? Is it because for what has been a while it feels good to be wanted not just as a friend.

My heart beats slower now. My affections are weaker. Is it unfair to bargain this way, all damaged. Just because he will accept anything. I wish that I was strong enough to tell him this but that wouldn’t be enough. I would have to leave him because he is in that mushroom cloud where he cant see clearly that I am a mistake. That I need to know who I want to be before I know who I want. That I need to be able to want him and only him like I used to be able to before.

I knew what it felt like then to not think about how this was actually going to work. I didn’t have to remind myself to make an effort. I didn’t have to try so hard.
I used to be good at this. I used to know this person. These new vices and moods are foreign to me. There is a new strength to them that I am not sure I ought to have. The way I can just let it all roll off my shoulders. The way I am beginning to contemplate my days. The way I do not seem to care about anyone else now that the worst is over. I used to need to but I don’t seem to anymore and I wonder now what will happen to all the used to be’s.
Who will capture my life for me like Adrian? Who will inspire me now more than Haley? I know that I do not know. What I do know is that thinking about it like this is as far as I go and that in this universe with no name the boy with no name will fall victim to its instability. I know I will teeter still here on this axis thinking of certain past and walking blindly into an uncertain future.