Prayer

By Beeme

Sun, 03 Jul 2011
  • 2155 reads
11 comments
 

I can't think what was worse,
the deafening silence,
hesitant eyes. Disbelief.
The whole room paused -
watched it's own history.
Religion turns over
slipping from one extreme straight
into the praying hands of another.
Or the fact that whilst she uttered a prayer
she was crying, her tears blurring
the ink on the photograph of her child
accepting she'd not see him again.

Certificate 15
Poem
Biography

Comments

Submitted by skinner_jennifer on
Hi Beeme, such a sad poem of loss, but very well written. Jenny.

 

Submitted by Beeme on
awwh thank you I know it's sad and it's true, here's a link to the documentary. http://www.channel4.com/programmes/terror-in-moscow/4od Thank you for reading and commenting ) Beeme xx

k.

Submitted by awsamy on
Beauifully sad poem :( but i like the way its written :)

Submitted by maisie on
"The whole room, pausing, watching its own history. Religion turning over..." could be "The whole room paused - watched it's own history. Religion turns over ...." too many ings spoil a poem! They take away the immediateness of the action portrayed.

maisie angel Guess what?  I'm still alive!

Submitted by Beeme on
Thank you Amy :) xx

k.

Submitted by Beeme on
yeah I see what you mean maisie, thank you! Sounds alot better now :) Beeme xx

k.

Submitted by maisie on
yeah Beeme - I don't think you've finished yet, with losing ings... because now you've got a part of your poem right in your face n the rest is in the past... HINT: lose a few more by yourself :) :) :) I had a hard time with this :)

maisie angel Guess what?  I'm still alive!

Submitted by seashore on
Don't agree - I think it's just fine the way it is Beeme. Well done.

Submitted by fatboy74 on
Pretty powerful stuff Beeme which I think works really well and I sort of get what Maisie is saying but I don't think it's an all or nothing thing, but of course it's a good idea to check you're not overdoing it which maybe you were - I think it works well now, with a break from the ings and then back to them. I'm no grammarian but I don't think you can get more immediate than a present participle. Ewan or Helvigo among others would know for sure. ATB Fatboy :-)

 

Submitted by Beeme on
aha, now I'm really confused if I need to loose any more. But I quite like it how it is, I'm glad you enjoyed :) Beeme xx

k.

Submitted by Cavalcader on
new Beeme Hi! I like this poem, short, well explained, sad all in a few stanzas. But complete. I must read the docummentary too. I know if alter mine too much,confuses me,sometimes the first time of doing one better, than keep altering it, well to me anyway. All the best with the comp: entry Good day at Eastbourne, free on the train, sunny till 5pm downpour, reaching Brighton, so wore my sun-hat stop getting wet, no coats we had.. julie xx