Gone in a Heartbeat (For Mark)

You never said sorry
for the German girl.
with the plum-coloured hair.
She was up and down you
like quicksilver.

What an accomplished
contortionist - you bent over
backwards for her,
like you once did for me.

It was as though I had never
felt your quick heart hard
in my ears. Beating for me alone.
But too rapidly for your own good.

Everywhere, anywhere I saw you -
I clutched at your coat. You thought
there was no end
to my self-abasement.

Until finally I lay listening to a
different heartbeat. I think you knew.

The final glance I gave you
was one of indifference.
I dismissed you with a twitch
of the hips you once worshipped.

How was I to know the
clanking cauldron of my jealousy
had continued to warm your blood.

I still try to imagine your last night.
Swallowing assorted pills with
your characteristic recklessness -
not caring what the
outcome would be.

You and I - together, apart.

No heartbeat has ever thrummed
under my skin like yours.