There is a lot that is ugly about me.

There is a lot that is ugly about me. I hear voices, I see things, I have visions that I don't want. I look back to the past and I know, I was good once. Or was I? I did some soul searching, and I was forgiven. Then I looked too deep, "we are made up of our thoughts" I read somewhere. When everything is do or don't, should or shouldn't I always make the wrong decision, because there is no choice. I'm sure there is a psychological explanation. "When you try not to have a thought you have that thought""Everyone has negative thoughts", no censorship. We are all basically the same. Get real. But I can't help feeling I'm missing something. Something which I no longer...just know.