The Secret

Mother and Father sit with their knees almost touching their chins on the tiny chairs. Miss Malone, whose real name is Lydia, sits opposite them, smiling. She is wearing a necklace like a string of flowers. When she leans forwards you can see the edges of her lacy bra underneath her blouse. As she talks, she gently strokes her stomach, which is where her baby lives.

Miss Malone smiles all the time, even when she says something bad, which is what she’s doing now. She tells Mother and Father how worried she is about Enid. Whilst she is a very clever little girl, and always well behaved, she seems reluctant to speak. Enid knows that reluctant means not wanting to do something. She looks down at her shoes as her cheeks grow hot. Mother and Father say nothing.

Enid hears a click as Miss Malone snaps open her folder, which is pink. Pink is Miss Malone’s favourite colour. Enid looks up, and watches Miss Malone show Mother and Father one of her special target charts. Every time Enid does what Miss Malone wants her to do, she will be able to choose a sticker for the chart. When it is full, the problem will be solved. Lots of things can win her a sticker; sharing her news, taking a message to another teacher, joining in with circle time. Enid feels sad, knowing that the chart will never be full, and that Miss Malone, whom she loves, will be disappointed.

Something strange happens. Father reaches across the table and shakes Miss Malone’s hand. He laughs as he stands up and stretches, making a joke about the tiny chairs. Mother stands up too, and holds out her hand to Enid. She is smiling. Enid feels excited, then afraid at the strangeness.

Miss Malone watches from the classroom door as the three of them walk across the playground. Enid turns to look and she waves. Enid waves back. Father raises his hand too, smiling. Enid’s hand is still in Mother’s. She experiments with some happy skipping. Then she does something brave. She takes Father’s hand too. He looks down at her, and she thinks he is about to say something. He closes his mouth, but doesn’t take his hand away. Enid gives another little skip.

They pass through the school gates and turn the corner. At exactly the same moment, as if at some silent command, Mother and Father drop Enid’s hands. They stride on without speaking. Enid stands still for a second, then has to run to keep up. Her shoelace has come undone, and she almost trips over it. No other girl in her class has shoes with laces.

Miss Malone has given Father a list of Enid’s targets. The sheet has a border of little teddy bears. Enid wishes she could colour them in, but when they get back to the house Father screws up the paper and tosses it angrily into the bin. He calls Miss Malone a bad name, which is something to do with the baby growing inside her, and no wedding ring on her finger, and the pretty top that doesn’t quite hide her bra. Enid feels sad again. Father sits at the kitchen table, waiting for Mother to get the tea ready. As Enid passes, going to take off her coat, he grabs her wrist and pulls her close to him. Silently, he presses a finger to her lips. She nods, knowing what he means.

Miss Malone leans back in her comfortable chair and smiles at the whole class. They all sit on the carpet with their legs crossed, slurping their milk. Miss Malone asks if anyone has any news to share. She gives Enid an extra special smile. Enid pretends not to have noticed. She fiddles with her shoe laces. A boy goes to stand next to Miss Malone’s chair. He talks about his birthday party. Enid has never had a birthday, because Father says birthdays belong to the world, and Mother, Father and Enid do not. This is the secret she has to keep. This is why her chart will never be full.

The boy finishes, and goes back to his spot on the carpet. Enid looks up from her shoes. Miss Malone is looking at her again. In her smiling voice, she asks if Enid has anything to share. Some children start to whisper and sman, because Enid has never spoken. They are not even sure if she can speak. Enid shakes her head. Miss Malone claps her hands and tells everyone to be quiet.

When Father speaks at Meeting, nobody dares to sman. He tells them that the time is almost here. They must all be ready, he says. People nod, and mumble in agreement. Someone claps. The fear that lives inside Enid swells up, until she feels she might burst. She thinks of all the things that will be left behind when the time comes. Most of them are things that she has never had, but will miss anyway. She thinks about pink plastic lunchboxes with pictures of fluffy kittens on them, she thinks about the music that the boy next door plays in his bedroom as she listens through the wall. She thinks about Miss Malone and her flower necklace and her new baby.

Father bangs down his fists on the table in front of him, and Enid gasps. People turn to look at her, and she is sure they can see her thoughts, which are not the right ones. She makes herself stare at Father’s face, and nods a little, to show that she has been listening. Father stares back. He is not fooled.

Every day, Enid brings the same lunch to school. Food, says Father, is fuel. It is not intended to give pleasure. Enid looks at her two slices of unbuttered bread and lump of dry cheese. She chews slowly, without enjoyment. The girl next to her nudges her gently and offers a brightly coloured packet. Enid eyes the sweets hungrily, unable to imagine how they might taste on her tongue. She knows that if she takes one something bad will happen. She remembers that something bad is about to happen anyway. She shakes her head.

Someone, not expecting an answer, asks why she always has weird food. Everything about her is weird, says someone else. Enid knows that this is true. Even her name is wrong, and not a name that should belong to a little girl. She looks down at her uniform, which is not really a uniform at all, being unlike what the other children wear in every way. Instead of a sweatshirt with the school’s badge she has an enormous jumper knitted by Mother. The sleeves almost cover her hands and she wraps the cuffs around her thumbs. She thinks that Mother must not understand knitting properly, because something has gone wrong with the stitches, and there are holes in the wrong places. The other girls have skirts that stop above their knees and little white socks frilling around their ankles. Between Enid’s wrinkled grey socks, which she thinks are meant for a boy much bigger than she is, and her skirt, no skin shows at all. Flesh, says Father, should stay hidden. Sometimes Enid pretends that she is an alien, gathering information to take back to her own planet.

Father calls a special meeting, even though Sunday is still three days away. The Members crowd into the front room, sitting with their knees touching. Father stretches out his palms on the table in front of him and leans forward. He stares, unblinkingly, at each person in turn, then licks his lips before he speaks. The time has come, he says. There is a murmur of agreement. Everyone knows what to do. There is coldness inside Enid, although the room steams with hot bodies. After tomorrow, she thinks, it will be too late to speak.

At school, she trembles as the other children blow bubbles in their milk. She worries that today, for the first time, Miss Malone will not ask if anyone has news. But at last, with a smile, she does. There are giggles and whispers again as Enid raises her hand. Miss Malone shakes her head at the children. Then she nods to Enid, who walks towards her, legs wobbling. Miss Malone puts her arm around Enid’s waist and gives her a little squeeze. For once there is silence.

Enid’s voice sounds croaky and a little too loud, surprising even herself. She looks at Miss Malone as she says what she needs to say to save herself. She speaks quickly, in case Miss Malone says it is time to get on with some work. She tells all about the shelter that father and the other men have been secretly building for more weeks than she knows how to count. The shelter is only for The Chosen, for those not of this world, which is a wicked, evil place. A crease appears between Miss Malone’s eyebrows, but she is still smiling.

Enid hurries on. Tonight, she says, is the night of the evacuation, when The Chosen must go to the shelter. There they will wait for the end, when only they will be saved. She will not be at school in the morning, or, for that matter, ever again. She knows that this will make Miss Malone do something, because going to school is the law.

Enid runs out of words and breath, and stops. Miss Malone says what an interesting story she has told. She puts a sticker on Enid’s jumper, and tells her she has earned one for her chart as well. She takes a deep breath and asks who knows what a flat shape with five sides is called.

At the end of the day, when Miss Malone lets everyone out onto the playground, she beckons to Mother to come over and speak to her. She is excited, clapping her hands and jumping up and down like a little girl. She tells mother all about Enid’s news. Enid looks at the floor, knowing she will be in trouble for telling the secret. Miss Malone laughs and touches Mother’s arm. There is nothing wrong with Enid’s imagination, she says. Mother laughs too, but not with her eyes, and not as though she really means it. She takes Enid’s hand and squeezes it too tight.

They begin their final silent journey across the playground. When they reach the gate Enid turns to wave goodbye to Miss Malone, who waves back. Her stupid smile stretches right across her face.