Dear Son

Dear Son,

Well Son, congratulations on the upcoming marriage. Sorry I can’t be there, but thought I would send this letter and give you some words of advice.

The first thing is honesty; you must never be honest with her. So tell her exactly what she wants to hear. She will love you for this.

Let me give you a few examples;

If she’s getting ready and asks you how she looks, you must never say she looks “Nice”. Women hate “Nice”, nice means ordinary, she has to look “Stunning “

If she has dyed her hair and it has come out orange, remember, you don’t just “like” orange; you absolutely “love” orange!

She will love you even more for this “honesty”

Always go out on a Friday night, never stay indoors. It is important that you keep the routine, even if you have nowhere to go, still go out. Even if it means you have to walk the streets for a few hours, go out! Once you stay indoors on a Friday night, you will never be allowed out again.

If you think you’ll be home by eleven o’clock, tell her that it’s likely to be around midnight. This way when you do eventually get home about half eleven, she will thank you for being early.

Always buy flowers. I repeat, always buy flowers! She will complain about them being too expensive and that you shouldn’t waste your money, but the minute you stop, she’ll never forgive you!

Call her every day, but not at the same time each day, this is very important, if you always call at let’s say 2 o’clock in the afternoon, if you haven’t called by 2.15, she will get annoyed or worried. So always vary the time, but always call.

She will never like your best friend, we don’t know why, but it’s just a fact of life. But she will like your sad, lonely friends, she’ll feel sorry for them, you know, the one’s that can’t get girlfriends.

You must never, ever, dislike her friends, that’s her job! You must keep quiet when she complains about one of them, just nod in agreement, don’t get dragged into anything, because in a few days they’ll be best friends again and you will be the one that she thinks hates them and then she’ll never forget it!

The last thing is this; your life will now be about nails and hair! Women are either doing their nails or just about to do them or talking about getting them done. Same with hair, only this is more complicated, they will talk for ages about length, colour, style even their hairdresser and what it all costs. Just nod and smile, you don’t have to listen, just catch the odd word in case she asks for your opinion. In which case try to remember what she said and then just repeat it back to her word for word!

Well son, got to go now, the ward sister is about to turn the lights out. It’s good news by the way; they say I’m lucky; the knife missed my heart by just a few millimetres.

Still can’t understand why my fourth wife got so upset.

Good Luck Son.

Dad.