Sleep Well My Friend and Dream of Large Women

“Another day, another dollar. Another drunk, another holler” Emily Thomas thought to herself as she served up another shot of whiskey. She always did enjoy making up a rhyme or two, no matter how bad or corny, especially when she was a bad mood. She almost hoped somebody would cause trouble tonight so she could bust some heads, despite the fact that she always seemed to cause more destruction to her own saloon than the troublemakers themselves. Emily, or Miss Emily as she was called around these parts was a big woman. A well-muscled, but curvy six foot five with regular, some would even say pretty features, tanned, weather-beaten skin, a nose that looked like it had been broken many times in the past, and black hair and eyes. Most of the men around the town thought of her more as a man than a woman. Indeed, her friends were for the most part men, with many of the women calling her a giantess or a cow. Some might say this is justified, as most of their husbands spent many a night in her saloon, The Dirty Mustache and she will often banter back and forth with her patrons long into the night.

Today was the anniversary of the reason she came to this town 15 years ago, searching for a new life under a new name with only the clothes on her back and a big sack of money. No matter how much she tries to forget it, no matter how much she tries to distract herself with the bustle of a full saloon, the memories remain at the front of her mind. The mind is funny like that. Try calling up the happiest moment of your life. See how long sticks in your mind. Now try calling up the most traumatic moment in your life and see how long that sticks in your head. Which one sticks longer? I thought so. Tonight is the only night of the year that you will ever see Miss Emily take more than a sip of her own alcohol, mostly at the end of the night when the patrons have all left. The one time she did decide to drink with her patrons she ended up waking up in bed with the sheriff, his wife, and leg of one of her favorite barstools with none of them having any memory of what happened the previous night. To this day the three of them (the barstool leg was burned before it could be reached for comment) will deny that anything happened that night other than the fact that it was “a helluva party.”

Thankfully, it was a sunday and most of her regulars refrained from drinking on this holiest of days (mostly at the insistence of their wives). As she finished polishing a glass she heard the “ding-a-ling” of the bell that announced a patron entering the saloon, exiting the saloon, or getting thrown against the bell. Thankfully it was the first one, and her two favorite patrons (and friends) to boot! ‘Edwin, Travis. What can I get ya?” Emily asked as they sat down at the bar.

“I can name a few things, but let’s start out with some whiskey and see where things go from there” Edwin replied with a wink. Emily mocked threw the glass she was polishing at him while Edwin ducked, wearing an exaggerated mask of fear on his rough face.

Travis snorted, half with amusement half with derision “Will you ever grow up Edwin?” Edwin drew himself up and puffed out his chest.

“Hopefully not, i’ve seen how those so called ‘adults’ act, always with the weight of the world on their shoulders, yet still somehow keeping their noses in the air while i’m sticking mine in a pretty young woman.”. Miss Emily laughed in spite of herself,

“I’ve seen some of the woman you’ve been with. I’ve seen prettier hogs”. She retorted, her dark mood lifting just a bit.

This was business as usual for the three of them, with Edwin telling terrible, often bawdy jokes, MIss Emily responding with a witty, often acidic retort, and Travis trying to keep Edwin in check. Edwin was a tall, lean, rangy man with brown hair, brown eyes, and craggy features. He was generally a good person, but had a penchant for tasteless jokes that only got worse as he became more and more inebriated. Despite his social commentary, he worked as an accountant at the local 30th Federal Bank branch. He often saved his most bawdy jokes for Miss Emily, however, as a way to cover his attraction for this large, exotic (at least in his mind) woman. Travis seemed to be almost the exact opposite of his friend. Five foot six inches and broad shouldered, with pale blonde hair and what most people would call a baby face. One would think with his sober demeanor, a great respect for propriety, and what seems like a constant irritation at Edwin’s often tasteless jokes that they would be the farthest thing from friends. Underneath his serious exterior, however, was an understated sense of humor and a kind of brotherly love for his often outrageous friend. While Edwin often did got drunk to the point where he could barely even stand, Travis generally stayed sober, instead enjoying the company of his two friends. When he did get drunk, however, he had a tendency towards singing. Terribly. It wasn’t so much his voice, which was a rich baritone, but his tendency to make up notes which could not be named or played on any instrument, unless donkey is an instrument.

The both of them knew about the “anniversary” even if they didn’t know what it was the anniversary of. During the first “anniversary” Edwin asked in his usual outrageous way

“So what’s got your panties in a knot?”

“The anniversary. That’s all i’m going to say” Emily replied sullenly. Unfortunately, Travis wasn’t there to reign him in that night, so he continued

“The anniversary of what? Ex husband? The first time you lifted a bull above your head? The day when Chief Runs-With-Scissors forced you to stay home while the menfolk hunted?” Would you believe it only took a broken nose to get him to stop? She apologized profusely the next day, of course and even reset the thing on the spot, but he and the rest of the patrons at the Dirty Mustache learned that night there are certain questions you don’t ask Miss Emily. That incident, ironically enough, is what led to their friendship.

“Why don’t you close up the bar, come outside, and we can have a few beers while we watch the sunset” Edwin suggested.

Would you guys mind?” Emily asked her patrons

“Not at all Miss Emily. We didn’t really want to say anything, but you didn’t seem like you were in that good of a mood anyways and...well....” George, one of her regulars, trailed off at the dark look on her face, which eventually turned into a wry smile.

“Yeah, I know exactly how I can get.”

Thirty minutes later, after closing her patrons’ tabs and cleaning up the bar, Emily came out with a few glasses of beer while Edwin and Travis were in the middle of discussing the philosophical implications of humans riding horses. As usual, most of the “discussion” was Edwin rattling on about how the horses must feel while Travis and said “Yup, that sounds about right.” Smiling, Emily handed him a beer saying “Have you ever considered the fact that maybe the horses have something to gain too? You know, food, water, shelter, somebody to scratch their ears”

Edwin took a sip from his beer, retorting “Horses can take care of themselves! They have lived in the wild since god made this green Earth and one day someone decided to sit on one and said ‘Hey, you know what I should do? Enslave this animal and make it do my bidding!’” The argument lasted for another hour as the both of them argued passionately about the plight of the horses until Edwin finally conceded defeat and sipped at his mug disconsolately, secretly delighting in the smile of triumph on Miss Emily’s face. Travis, a smile on his smooth face, rumbled

“This is the life, ain’t it? Sitting on the porch of the Mustache with two good friends sipping some nice, cold beer together.”

“I would have to say so. Thanks for going out of your way to make me feel good toda-” Emily paused as she saw what looked like a child on a horse. “See what I mean? Slavery! Even children can conquer them wi-” Shut it Edwin” Emily hissed. As the figure got closer, it became obvious that he wasn’t a child, but a dwarf. At a towering 4’3’’, the little man almost looked silly riding a full-sized horse, on top of the fact that he was wearing a sombrero that had to be at least as wide as he was tall.

“Oh-erm-I have to go inside, take care of some glasses...dishes...or whatever” Emily darted inside the bar, taking the boys’ beer mugs, sloshing some on Travis in the process.

“I swear, I never know what that woman is going to do next on one of her ‘anniversaries’. One moment she’s having a few beers, finally in a good mood and the next she steals our beers and goes on a cleaning spree” Edwin said disgustedly.

“Women” Travis replied laconically, brushing the spilled beer off his pants the best he could. While they were busy trying to mop up the rest of the beer with a rag Emily had dropped, the dwarf approached and swung himself off his horse.

“‘Scuse me, do either of you gentlemen know of an Amelia Tenson living ‘round these parts? Here’s a photo” He proceeded to hand over a yellowed, crinkly photograph of a tall, young woman posing with a revolver in her left hand.

“I don’t know about this Amelia, but doesn’t she look a bit like Miss Emily Trav?” Edwin said, showing his friend the photo

“Yeah, a bit. Nose is wrong though. Emily’s isn’t as straight. What’s your name stranger?” Travis inquired.

“Nancy Hill” the dwarf rumbled, putting his hand on his gun. Edwin started snickering “You think my name’s funny do you? ” Edwin, for once, was speechless.

BANG! A gunshot rang out from inside the saloon. Without hesitation, Nancy turned and put his back against the outside wall, taking himself out of Emily's range of fire. “Now you just get of here while you still have your good health you deformed little prick!” Miss Emily said from inside the bar. “Just get out here Amelia and we can talk about this” Nancy yelled

“NO!” Emily yelled as another hail of buckshot came out of the doorway. “That life is over! I am a successful woman in a small town. I have friends here, good people living around me! I will not go back to life under that murdering two timing demon spawn!”

“He’s dead!” the dwarf bellowed

“LIAR! He sent the one man I gave a shit about in that outfit to kill me. What did he give you? Money? A new woman? One who was more your size?” Emily yelled, almost sobbing.

“Now you know I wouldn’t agree to that, not even after 15 years. I have proof, just look at this photo” He threw the photo and fired three shots into the planking ahead of him, propelling the photo into the saloon.

Still sobbing, Emily exited the Saloon and took a seat next to her friends. “How did he die?” she said through her tears

“Shot in the belly by the sheriff out in Bailey. Took him hours to die.” Nancy replied. “What’s left of the gang is fighting over who is next in line. To be honest Amy, I wouldn’t put most of those idiots in charge of a pig pen, much less a gang like The Rogues. Come ba-”

“Oh hell no” Emily interrupted” I might have been interested in that Robin Hood crap when I was younger, but no longer. Robbery is still robbery, no matter what you do with the money. And after that bastard took over, it wasn’t even that anymore. He killed children for godssake!”

“Might I ask just what the hell is going on Emily? Why you two are talking about The Rogues like you know’em?” Edwin asked nervously, his eyes darting to the dwarf’s gun.

Emily sighed “Hold on, let me get some more drinks. What do you want Nancy?”

“I’ll take some scotch thank you very much” Nancy replied

After Emily came back outside with their drinks, she gave them all a grave look and said“You guys wondering what the anniversary is about? Well, ‘bout a couple months before I came here I was a member of a little group called The Rangers. Now, at first we only robbed the rich, maybe killed a few people that needed killing. I was fine with that, believed it was for a good cause. Saw myself as a kind of Robin Hood. Hell, even took to wearing an eagle feather in my hat.” Edwin laughed out loud at that last comment

“Shut up Edwin! The lady’s trying to tell a story!” Travis yelled, cuffing his friend across the head

“Thank you Travis. Now, a few years after I joined our leader died in what seemed like some stupid accident, horse threw him from his saddle and broke his neck. After that, one of our new recruits made a bid for the now-vacant leader position. I’ll be the first to admit this new guy was charming, with his fiery speeches and rugged good looks. When he finally became leader though, our raids started turning ugly. While before we would usually leave our targets alive, only kill the few, the new leader insisted on killing all the people we robbed, justifying it by insisting they can just earn all that money back and keep cheating people like they did before. Finally got fed up with it when he started killing children. After that raid, I snuck into his tent with a gun and tried to take him out. Turns out he had his cronies watching nancy and I’s tent”

“Wait a sec, you and nancy’s tent?” Edwin asked incredulously. Nancy smiled

“Yep, you wouldn’t believe how crazy that woman is in be-” Nancy ducked as a glass sailed by his head

“Yeah, this little prick and I used to be together. I was young. Anyways, his cronies followed me and when I reached his tent they grabbed me and he stepped out with the most evil grin I have ever on his face. ‘Well, well well, looks like the squaw decided she wanted to visit my tent for some fun. Let’s oblige her boys.’ After they....had their way with me they decided I wasn’t worth leaving alive.” Travis shifted uncomfortably while Edwin just stared, a mix of digust and outrage on his normally cheerful face

“Thankfully I woke up and got out of the tentjust in time to see the gun being pointed at her head.” Nancy continued. “I did the only thing I could think of to save her. I managed to convince him that she’d cracked under the pressure of the constant raids and that we should just kick her out. Him being the right bastard that he was, he made her leave with no clothes or possessions, figuring the desert would kill her more slowly than he ever could. Turns out my girl was tougher than he thought” Nancy concluded with a wry smile

“More like lucky. The next day a wandering caravan just happened to be passing by. They offered me food, water, and clothing in exchange for my services as a guard, on account’a my size and the presence of those awful robber bands in the area. Eventually, after the caravan and I parted ways, I happened by one of a few caches I had made just in case the robber trade didn’t work out for me and plundered it. With only the money and the clothes on my back, I decided town life would be a nice change of pace and settled in a little town called Los Ebanos and since I had all this extra cash, decided to start up a saloon because, hey, I was the one who mixed up all the drinks in the gang anyways. Named it The DIrty Mustache as an homage to the Rogues’ former leader, may he rest in peace. and now this little prick has decided that I should be that monster’s replacement.” Emily finished.

“That’s exactly why though Emily! You’ve got morals, far more than those other morons, the leadership, the ability to deal with a bunch of idiots for hours on end! You’d be great!” Nancy cried enthusiastically. “Come over to the gang for a couple weeks. If you don’t like it, you can leave and you’ll never have to worry about us bothering you again. Look on it as a vacation”

Emily Sighed “Fine, but on one condition. If I don’t like it, I get to return to my saloon and you never bother me again. Travis, you think you could run this place while i’m gone? You’ve got a good head on your shoulders and the men respect you in this town.”

“You can count on me Em” Travis said, tears in his eyes. Edwin stepped up and kissed Emily full on the lips.

“You be good out there Em, and remember we’ll always be here for you if you return and my bed will ALWAYS be open.” Edwin yelled in his usual outrageous way. Emily just stood there, shocked at her old friends, but glad she still had a place in this town. She didn’t even slap Edwin...very hard. Throughout the entire thing Nancy had this smug look on his face, like he knew something none of them did.

After Emily packed, finished saying her goodbyes, and brought along some of her favorite drinks, her and Nancy rode off to meet the gang that she left all those years ago. They turned out to be a rough bunch, always were, but much more crude than the people that were in the gang when she left. “This place definitely needs some housecleaning” Emily thought. Nancy stepped up onto a crate.

“Gentlemen, I give you Amelia Tenson, the greatest (and only) woman to ever join this gang and, by the power vested in me by Little Thomas, I name her our new leader. Any objections?” Nancy concluded with a look on his evil face that said louder than words where somebody could stick said objections. As expected, there were none.

Emily looked around. Something didn’t seem right. Nancy walks in among a bunch of angry, dangerous men who just lost their leader and installs some stranger, a woman and traitor nonetheless, as leader? They didn’t even look all that angry. Most of them looked either smug or suspicious, like they have a secret in their pocket. Nancy looks a bit regretful, but smug all the same. A small, scantily clad woman walks out of a tent, whispers something to Nancy, then kisses him full on the lips. Emily approves of this at least, it’s good to see Nancy moved on the same as she did. One of the more younger looking members broaches a keg and starts passing around drinks and, when finished, stood up with glass in hand “I propose a toast to our new leader Amy!” “To Amy!” The throng replied and drained their glasses. As the party winded down, a group of riders came back from the direction Emily and Nancy just came from. The first rider, who Emily thought looked vaguely familiar, walked up to Nancy and whispered something into his ear. Nancy looked furtively at Emily while the man gave her a large sack of coins. Then he looked at Emily and her heart almost stopped. That was him, a vision of the devil himself, alive and smiling triumphantly.

Emily bolted and took the closest horse she could find. Strangely enough, nobody pursued her. She headed as fast as she could to Los Elbanos, her true home, the home she should have never left. The screaming in her head grew louder as she approached, but it was already too late. As she got closer to the town she saw an orange glow. At first she thought it was the sun, but then she remembered she was going west, it couldn’t have been. She spurred her horse and rode closer. The entire town was on fire, her saloon seeming to possess the largest fire. Everything. Her home, her friends, her livelihood. All because she wanted to relive the glory days with a bunch of outlaws. Emily broke down and wept. She didn’t even hear the horses approaching, nor feel the cold steel against her head. All wrapped up in her grief,she ignored the click of the hammer, but not the bang.