I knew a man from whose heart, death had stolen a brother.
By ItsSteveDave
Thu, 26 Apr 2012
- 2181 reads
12 comments
I knew a man
From whose heart, death had stolen
A brother.
They never talked.
And the integrity of his structure
Wavered –
Empty spaces were
Room for his collapse;
A cavernous mine shaft
Gave way below his feet,
Acquainting him with the darkness,
Dumping him in the dirt and
Under the debris of guilt.
Old railway sleepers
Came to rest upon him,
Heavy
Like the burden of silence.
I know a man
Facing an impasse
As sheer as the face
Of the bedrock,
But who feels the gift of life
More than ever;
The numbness of regret
Accentuates fond memory,
His brother’s smile
Of yesteryear –
A shimmer of gold
Held aloft
By the cold, hard earth.
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Comments
Steve - great writing this.
Permalink Submitted by Silver Spun Sand on
Steve - great writing this. Gutsy and evocative.
Tina
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Really enjoyed this piece!
Permalink Submitted by steve_elliott04 on
Really enjoyed this piece! Very evocative writing, and your use of imagery is excellent! I really love the stanzas beginning with 'A cavernous mine shaft' and 'old railway sleepers'.
The only constructive crit I can offer is in 'Acquainting him with the darkness / Dumping him in the dirt and'. I think these two lines would work much better without 'the', attaining a metre and rhythm for the stanza, still retaining the brillant use of imagery.
Then again, that is only what i would do! It may be different for you, and many other readers.
Again, I really enjoyed this!
All the best,
Steve.
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Utterly brilliant and had I
Utterly brilliant and had I read this sooner I would have nominated it for poem of the week - well deserving of a cherry and I do not say that often
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Came to this from the forum,
Came to this from the forum, hurrah for forums!! brilliant poem.
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Must have missed this when
Must have missed this when it was posted, but thanks to the forum, found it. So pleased I did. Loved it!
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ItsSteveDave---Brilliant
Permalink Submitted by Richard L. Prov... on
ItsSteveDave---Brilliant work. Hard to add extra kudos to what is already said, but I'll try---it's flubbergasting!! Richard LP
Richard L. Provencher
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Very good, well written
Permalink Submitted by Mark Heathcote on
Very good, well written Steve much enjoyed the descriptive aspects of your poem.
Mark Heathcote
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