The Predator

He was small, but not squat, no...no...he was...triangular.... I don't normally like these little 'cutsie' writing tricks. People might think in this mind-changing way, and it could be used in thought or dialogue but a writer has the option of a delete button so it doesn't transpose very well ...however, sometimes it works and works well as a 'quirk' so we'll read on and see where you're going with it. Spikes, green sparkly eyes and a speckled crested head... it's a crested geckos, or an iguana, or one of the basilisks. Aw bless him, what a little sweetie. I like him. Okay, I'm not keen on the way you've written the first line, see above and two words in particular stood out to be as being unnecessarily wordy in such a short piece persona and adorning. His miniscule teeth cut through her body; he inhaled her taste simultaneously.you need something to connect these two statements...His miniscule teeth cut through her body as he simultaneously inhaled her taste. On the other hand I like the word minuscule, you could have just used small, I would have, I like to keep things simple... but I actually prefer minuscule in this context, it works. Again I really like perilous like the minuscule it feels out of place and yet, because it doesn't seem like the right word to use... it is, does that make any sense at all? But can I trade you perilous for thorough? It's okay, I don't absolutely hate it, but I think you could come up with a better one. I would use until rather than till Short, sweet, snappy and to the point, I love lizardy people so I liked this.

I liked this overall, although there were one or two parts that didn't quite work. The first line is great in its conjuring up the image of someone speaking the piece in an unsure and possibly unreliable way, but then you didn't take that narrator's voice any further which seemed a shame. Personally I'd prefer fewer words (the standard 'show rather than tell' advice). Sometimes the combinations don't completely make sense (e.g. I don't think 'cluttered' and 'neatly' go together - or did you mean 'clustered'?) and sometimes they're redundant (e.g. 'tiniest' and 'little' together in the second line - in general there were far too many 'tiny' and 'little' adjectives throughout; having said that he was small at the beginning, I don't think you need to say it again). Do you really need the 'he felt' after 'experience of heaven'? The idea of feeling seems at odds with the creature you're describing ('thought' maybe but 'feeling' seems too much unless you were going to go on and imply a complex emotional existence). Can 'murder' be anything other than 'thorough'? Is 'perilous' needed? The last line is good - brings it back to the banal run of existence (although you could probably drop the 'then'). I hope that's of some help (writing style is a personal thing - feel free to ignore anything you disagree with). I'm not in general terribly comfortable with picking apart pieces, not knowing quite how this will be taken, but you made a reasonable point in your recent forum post that we ought to be doing more of this on the site, so I assumed you were up for it! Rob