en plien air

By ScoZen

Fri, 24 Aug 2012
  • 1991 reads
9 comments
 

your skin umber
a willing canvas,
your hair
like a
sable brush.

dipped in
alizarin lips,
viridian eyes
wet
on dry.

to the touch
colours
vibrant, luminous
beautiful
like you.

lying there
waiting,
for finger
paint wet
on wet umber skin.

Certificate U
Poetry with L plates on.
Love

Comments

Submitted by Sooz006 on
Because the stanzas run on from one another, without a comma to separate it, the first to second reads as though the hair is dipped in the lips. Or is that just me being too pedantic? If you had a comma after sable (or a full stop) and a comma after alizarin it reads beautifully. Gorgeous one Sco. Cheeky and sensual all at the same time.

 

Submitted by ScoZen on
Hello Sooz. Amended as advised, hope it reads better.
ScoZen

Submitted by seashore on
I agree with Sooz, it does read as though the hair is dipped in lips....just sort that bit out ScoZen and it will be an absolute gem of a poem. Very artistic, and I should know!

Submitted by ScoZen on
Seashore I should have asked for your artistic advice earlier. In mitigation I used her hair as a brush assuming the sable connection was there.
ScoZen

Submitted by Esther on
I enjoyed the read of this poem...thank you

Submitted by ScoZen on
Thanks for comment Esther. Taking Sooz and seashore's advice I stuck in a comma here and there, hopefully in the right places?
ScoZen

Submitted by Parson Thru on
First time I've seen it and it reads brilliantly. Lovely images. Raises the pulse (yes, I've still got one - just)

Parson Thru

Submitted by ScoZen on
Thanks for your comments Parsons. I still have doubts about this one with the comma's etc added. May remove and redo. Regards.
ScoZen

Submitted by Parson Thru on
If you remove the commas and full stops, I'd keep the one between vibrant and luminous

Parson Thru