"Checkout" The Legacy

The return of Leanne and Mel and introducing two more characters, the uncouth twins, Maureen and Doreen, from the supermarket comedy drama series I wrote sometime ago. Thought I would just post this first one to see if it works.

“Checkout” (1261 words)

Scene One Supermarket Teashop Morning

LEANNE and MEL are sitting having a quiet coffee in the supermarket teashop.

Mel:
It was never going to work, was it?

Leanne:
No, you’re right we were incompatible.

Mel:
What do you mean?

Leanne:
I kept bumping into him.

Mel:
Hardly surprising if he was wearing his white suit.

Leanne:
Of course, he was wearing his white suit. That was the arrangement.

Mel:
That’s what I mean with all your white furniture not surprising you kept bumping into him.

Leanne:
It would never have happened if he had kept to his allotted hours.

Mel:
Allotted hours?

Leanne:
Oh, forget Garry. I have. You’re like a dog with a bone. Just let it go, will you?

Enter MAUREEN and DOREEN, the uncouth twins, who work in the supermarket. They spot LEANNE and MEL who they know.

Maureen:
Leanne, Leanne, fancy seeing you here.

Leanne: (Turning)
Oh no, not them. That’s all I need. (Pause) Hiya. (Forcing a smile)

Doreen:
What you doing here?

Leanne:
What’s it look like? We were having a quiet conversation.

Mel:
Over a cup of coffee.

Maureen:
Oh, hiya Mel, not seen you in here before either.

Doreen:
Lucky we came in when we did.

Maureen:
Yeah, we often come down here on our tea break rather than the staff canteen.

Doreen:
That way no one knows how long we’ve been, right Mor?

Maureen:
Yeah, besides it gives us a chance to get away from the others. They can get on our nerves sometimes, though they don’t like us coming down here. We liven up the place see.

Leanne:
Could ‘ave fooled me?

Maureen: (Laughing)
Oh, you’re such a card. Ain’t she Dor?

Doreen:
Yeah, she is, Mor? What kind of card?

Maureen:
Never mind, Dor. Heard you got married. Not to that geek Garry, I hope?

Leanne:
Yes, but we’re getting divorced.

Maureen:
Not up to much in bed?

Mel:
I don’t think it’s any…

Leanne:
S’alright, Mel. As a matter of fact I’m sure he would have been great in bed or rather in the futon but I couldn’t be doing with all that. Not when you’ve got a nice home. There’s no need, is there?

Maureen:
So, as I said not up to much in bed then. Talking of homes, shall I tell ‘em Doreen?

Doreen:
Yeah!

Leanne:
Tell us what?

Doreen:
Our Auntie’s died. How wonderful is that?

Mel:
Not that wonderful, surely?

Maureen:
Oh, yes it is, especially when the dear, old Auntie, has left us her house.

Leanne:
Oh, I am sorry. On that dreadful estate where you live, can’t think of anything worse.

Maureen:
No, not on our estate…though in some ways that would have been better ‘cos of The Grapes!

Doreen:
No, the house is up on The Mount!

Maureen:
Who’s telling this?

Doreen:
Sorry.

Leanne:
You’re not serious. The Mount! I’d give my right arm to live up there.

Mel:
What…you mean those big posh houses up by the Golf Club?

Maureen:
Yeah and although ours is not the biggest it is big. Ain’t it Dor?

Doreen:
Yeah, it’s bloody humungous!

Leanne:
How many bedrooms?

Doreen:
Eight…

Maureen: (Glaring at DOREEN)
I won’t tell you again.

Doreen:
Sorry.

Leanne and Mel: (Together)
Eight!

Maureen:
Yeah. Great innit!

Mel:
What will you do with eight bedrooms?

Maureen:
Nothing. Everything needs doing ‘cos Auntie hasn’t spent a penny on the place since the day she moved in. So it’s all to do.

Leanne:
Have you got the money to do it?

Maureen:
No, not a bean, and we want to change the layout as well.

Mel:
So, what will you do…how can you change the layout?

Leanne:
Yeah. You’ll need a builder for that.

Maureen:
Nah, we won’t, we’re gonna do the work ourselves.

Mel:
You’ve got to be kidding?

Doreen:
No. We know what to do, don’t we Mor?

Maureen:
Yeah. We’ve watched all them DIY programmes.

Leanne:
You’re gonna change the layout of a great big house on the strength of watching a couple of television programmes?

Doreen:
Nah. More than a couple.

Maureen:
First there was Changing Rooms then Sixty Minute Makeover and now, Sarah Beeny. She’s my favourite.

Doreen:
And mine.

Leanne:
Bonkers! You’re both bonkers!

Mel:
I couldn’t agree more.

Leanne:
Anyway, you’re always up the pub getting bladdered. You won’t be able to do that and all this building work as well as working here.

Maureen:
Yeah, we will. Mrs A, the Store Manager thinks the sun shines out of…

Leanne:
No need for details.

Doreen:
We can do no wrong.

Mel:
Really?

Doreen:
Yes, she says we’re her two best girls. That’s why I’m always on the Express Till and Maureen’s on Customer Services.

Mel:
Why’s that then?

Maureen:
I never bother her because I get rid of any customers that complain and Doreen sends the shopping down so fast on the belt that she is the quickest one on the shop floor. Mind you she dents all the tins.

Doreen: (Grinning)
Yeah. I do. And you blow gum bubbles at the customers.

Maureen: (Grinning)
Yeah, I do. And I don’t let any of them give me grief that’s why Mrs A likes me on Customer Services. I keep them off her back. She hates them as much as we do.

Mel:
Hates who?

Maureen:
The customers, cor blimey, Mel, keep up.

ENTER NINA the Deputy Store Manager

Nina:
You two, tea breaks over you best get back before Mrs A sees you she’s waiting to let your reliefs go for their breaks.

Maureen: (Pulling a face behind NINA’S back)
We were just going, weren’t we, Dor?

Doreen:
Yeah. See you tomorrow if you’re in here same time?

Maureen::
Yeah, then we can tell you all about pulling out the old kitchen.

The twins start walking back to the shop floor.

Mel: (Under Breath)
Not if we see you first.

Leanne:
No, I’m definitely gonna be here tomorrow and every day after till I wangle an invite up to their house on The Mount.

Mel:
Never thought of that. Good idea.

Leanne:
Yeah they’re the only two people I know who have a house up there and I intend to take full advantage. I might meet my life partner up where all the rich geezers live.

Mel:
But you’re not even divorced from Garry.

Leanne:
What is it with you and Garry? Anyone would think you were married to him. Besides, what’s that got to do with anything? Can’t afford to wait around…my biological clock’s ticking!

Mel:
But you said you didn’t want children.

Leanne:
I still don’t but that doesn’t stop time marching on. I might need something lifted, lipo sucked or implanted. Need a bloke with a few bob for that.

Mel:
Yeah, I s’pose. I can’t somehow see them two doing building work though, can you?

Leanne:
Nah, they’re always up the pub.

Mel:
Where do they drink?

Leanne:
On the Nuns, that dreadful estate where they live.

Mel:
What’s the name of the pub?

Leanne:
She told you, The Grapes…The Grapes of Wrath…they live just three doors up.

Mel:
I’ve heard of The Grapes. Rough as a bear’s …

Leanne:
No need to be coarse, Mel. Don’t sink to their level. Anyway, look at the time we best get a move on if we’re going out tonight. I’ve still got to get my nails done.

EXIT the two girls