Bag the Baguette (IP)

The cheese had softened. The baguette loaf was sliced, and the chilled wine was poured into glasses.

Charles had never proposed before, and the sweat on his brow wasn’t caused by the sun.

This could be the happiest day of my life, he thought. I hope I get through it all right.

“Myrna?”

“There’s fucking ants everywhere, Charles!”

“There’s a couple, I suppose. Not important, Myrna. Listen.”

“No. You listen, Charles. When those things get into your pants, its all over with. I’ll be scratching for a month. And who takes a girl to the top of hill with some cheap wine, stale bread and stinky cheese?”

“I thought it would be romantic. Just the two of us and mother nature.”

“Yeah, well if mother nature’s responsible for this ant invasion. Mother nature can kiss my ass!”

“Look, Myrna,” said Charles. “There are, let’s see, no more than six ants. It’s not an invasion. And they’re no where near us. They’re too busy with that old apple core. And what’s got you so edgy, Myrna? This is not like you.”

“Myrna needs to get laid, you dumb-dufus-goody-two-shoes-smarty pants-mommas-boy! When you told me you wanted to wait till we were married, I said to myself, you know, Myrna, no! fuck no! I like my sex. But then I thought, Hey, here’s a guy who’s willing to wait for the goodies. Finally a guy who’s not pawing all over me, leaving little drool bombs hanging off my ear lobe and fucking up my bra straps with his clumsy groping. It was a pleasure having someone like you in my life. For the first year! We are now six months into the second year and I’m going broke on vibrator batteries. I need a human touch, Charles. A little tongue action. Some caressing fingertips on my you-now-what.

"And you’ve got to start getting comfortable with saying what my you-know-what is. Yes, it is a special place, Charles. But so is Grandma’s house. So you must stop calling it that. It’s a vagina, Charles. And you’ve got a penis. Not a pee pee or a wee wee, or what ever the fuck you’ve been calling it.

“Now I’m out of breathe, Charles, and my throats all dry. I’ll take that wine now, if you don’t mind.”

“I’m sorry I’ve upset you, Myrna. But that’s the very reason I brought you up here, Myrna.”

“All right, Charles! Did you bring any condoms? No. Of course you didn’t. Let me scrounge around in my purse. I may still have a couple from the old days.”

“Myra?”

“Yes, Charles?”

“Will you marry me?”

“If I answer yes, Charles, are you gonna come to Grandma’s house?”

“I’ll go any where you want, Myrna.”

“Yes!”

“You don’t know how happy you’ve made me, Myrna.”

“Well, Charles, you’re about to get happier.”