Novel City

With Terrence Oblong’s novels outselling JK Rowling, the Bible and the Da Vinci Highway Code combined, his announcement that he was in the process of writing a new novel, which would be available within twelve months, caused a panic buy of pre-orders and dominated the news for weeks.

A month later, Terrence’s blog mentioned that the novel would be set in Novel City. Fans immediately began discussing what Novel City would be like and within a few days this discussion had turned into the proposal to build an actually Novel City.

Nine months later there were no further developments on Terrence’s novel, save a blog stating that the planned publication date had been delayed. However, plans for Novel City (the town) had progressed at phenomenal rate. The Novel City Company had been established and an appeal for residents had identified over 30,000 people willing to pay the £25,000 deposit required to guarantee a house in the town. A site had been identified in the previously unwanted gap between Hertfordshire and Cambridgeshire and planning permission had been sought.

Six months later, more details of Terrence’s town were announced in a magazine interview. The main character, Josh, worked in a Malteser factory, weighing Maltesers to check they were light enough to trick consumers into thinking they were non-fattening.

Cadbury immediately announced that they would be building a new Malteser Factory in Novel City, to maintain the novel’s realism.

During this time Terrence had been somewhat elusive, but he finally made a public appearance in Novel City itself, to mark the first stone being laid, and even cut a ribbon to mark the occasion.

A year later he returned to the rapidly-expanding town to pull the first pint at the Oblong Tavern, although in truth the pub had been open for several months, and in fact a second and third pub had recently opened their doors, but Terrence’s blessing was considered necessary to make the Oblong the first ‘official’ pub in Novel City. Terrence finished the evening by sampling one pint of each of the eight real ales offered and went on to make a long and oscillating speech, in which he promised that the pub would feature in the novel.

In spite of these appearances and occasional magazine interviews, in which Terrence described his visits to Novel City, no news was forthcoming on the novel, which was by now urgently anticipated. All over Novel City and the rest of the world, bookshelves retained a gap where the new novel would sit, usually in pride of place in the much coveted section between ‘N’ and ‘P’.

However, a special Christmas Edition of the Storyteller was announced, which would feature an original Oblong story set in Novel City. This would not be an extract from the novel itself, rather a ‘bonus track’ for the devoted fan. The story, set in the same Oblong Tavern where Terrence had quenched his thirst, was met with unexpected disappointment by the many millions who purchased The Storyteller especially. The story turned out to be an unexciting description of a night spent in the Oblong Tavern by a narrator whose similarity to Terrence was noted by many.

Over the next year or so, Terrence’s blog was dominated by news of his changing agent and publisher, and a detailed description of his attempts to purchase a new computer. All of these changes, the blog confessed, meant further delays to the novel.

The award of city status was announced following the arrival of the 75,000th resident. The King and his third wife came to cut a ribbon and Terrence also visited, though he missed the ceremony itself due to an extended unofficial visit to the Oblong Tavern.

Another year passed and Terrence announced that he was moving to Novel City to research his novel. “It’s difficult to write about a fictional city if you’ve only visited there a couple of times,” he said on his blog. However, rather than set to work on the novel straight away Terrence surprised many by taking a job at the Malteser factory, as Malteser taster.

By all accounts he was dedicated to his job and co-workers reported that he worked 12 to 14 hour shifts throughout the week and that whenever they entered his office he was hard at work, scoffing Maltesers and recording the results on a chart.

It was during this period that Terrence’s weight problem became apparent. Touching the scales at 33 stone, medical records show that his doctor advised him to cut down on his Malteser intake. “It’s not the Maltesers” he responded angrily, “they’re too light to make you fat.”

Over the next two years Terrence continued to work at the Malteser factory, until his health failed him and he had to leave. Another short story was published in the Christmas Storyteller, this time a series of descriptions of the town and some of the local characters. However, there was no appearance of Josh and rumours abounded that Terrence was suffering from writers’ block, so lacking was the piece in plot and originality. Other critics went further and argued that he had never had any real idea for a novel in the first place and had simply rattled off the first convincing-sounding title that entered his head.

Whatever the truth, Terrence Oblong died without having started his novel, which was ultimately written posthumously by the Other Terrence Oblong, and did indeed go on to become the best selling novel of all time. Novel City itself had grown and grown and by the time of Terrence’s death had replaced London as the capital.