I Wish I Was Popular

I take a dim view of my life. Or should that be I Have a dim view from my life?

My head’s full of ambition, I plan on making a big explosion any day now, but when all's said and done I'll never amount to anything.

Are you popular?

I'm not: Nobody has ever liked me. I'm not cool, or clever, or wanted.

Nobody has ever called me cute. People groan when they’re on their way out to a party and I want to tag along. I can hear them, you know. I have feelings. It’s so rude. I catch their looks when they see me, lurking, yearning for just a molecule of acceptance. I know they don't like me, or want me, or need me, yet everyday I strive to be the best that I can be.

Oh, you're so rude. How can you ask me that?

Am I blushing? Well I never have, yet, but it worries me. I know I'm going to have a big problem with premature ejaculation. I just know that the
second those gentle, tentative fingers squeeze my tender places, I'm going to go off like a firecracker in a furnace, leaving only my sticky wake as a reminder of who I was.

I could be somebody you know, I have the guts, I have all this stuff churning round inside me, just waiting for the chance to express itself. And yet, even now, I know that it won't be appreciated.

He's God's gift. Everybody loves him. ‘Oh Harry, you’re so cool. Oh Harry, please sign my autograph book. You have a beautiful smile, body, personality,’ insert the compliment of your choice. It makes no difference which one. They all fit.

He smiles his smarmy smile, but I know what he's really thinking of all those screaming teenagers. I know what he'd really like to do to them. And then their mothers wouldn't think he was such a cutie, would they?

He's ashamed of me, you know. Oh please, don't insult my intelligence by even bothering to deny it. When was the last time he ever showed me off
to anyone? Have you ever known him to introduce me to one of his adoring fans? I don't think so.

Damned right I'm bitter. Is he really so much better than I am? ‘Oh, so and so, I'd like you to meet my wonderful b…’

I'm sorry, please, forgive me. I'll be alright in a second, really, I will. There see, no tears, I’m fine.

So as I was saying I have a dim view.

It's not easy being the boil on a superstar's bum.