"Checkout" Scene 9 The penultimate scene

“Checkout”

Scene 9 Equal Shares

Supermarket Teashop One week later

Leanne and Mel have just arrived and are settling themselves at a table in the teashop. They get their bags sorted and Mel gets two coffees and brings them back to the table.

Mel:
So how did it go?

Leanne:
Brilliant!

Mel:
In what way?

Leanne:
In every way.

Mel:
Don’t hold back. Tell me?

Leanne:
What do you want to know?

Mel:
Everything.

Leanne:
Not everything. Can’t tell you everything!

Mel:
You slept with him!

Leanne:
I most certainly did not!

Mel: (Disappointed)
Oh!

Leanne:
No, there was definitely no sleeping going on.

Mel:
Cow!

Leanne: (laughing)
You should’ve seen your face.

Mel:
I knew you would sleep with him, as I said before, when they’re loaded they expect it.

Leanne:
When they’re loaded they’re entitled.

Mel:
Oh I don’t agree with that. Surely your Garry was entitled.

Leanne:
Was he heck as like.

Mel:
But he was your husband.

Leanne:
Who was dipping his wick with my best friend.

Mel: (Shocked)
Leanne!

Leanne
Well, he was, wasn’t he?

Mel:
Suppose. But it makes what me and Garry have sound ugly.

Leanne:
Well it is ugly.

Mel:
Are you still upset about me and Garry?

Leanne:
Don’t be daft your welcome to him. In any case he never really went with the furniture.

Mel:
Oh, and Julian does I suppose?

Leanne:
No, there’s nothing minimalist about Julian (Winking) if you get my drift…including his bank balance though that was not what attracted me.

Mel:
Who you trying to kid? It was the only thing that attracted you.

Leanne:
And his nuts! If you remember he came with extra large ones.

Mel:
What you on about?

Leanne:
It’s true. Don’t you remember, at the party, the twins saying he went home to get his nuts because he had the extra large ones. You can only get ‘em from M&S.

Mel:
So what you’re saying is that Garry didn’t suit because he didn’t have extra large nuts?

Leanne:
That’s about the size of it or should I say them.

Mel:
Leanne!

Leanne:
Oh don’t be such a prude.

Mel:
You never used to have a dirty mouth. I think it’s mixing with the twins.

The TWINS enter

Leanne:
Talk of the devil or should I say devils?

The TWINS hurry over

Maureen:
Hi Leanne, Hi Mel.

Leanne:
Hi.

Doreen:
So aren’t you going to say hi to me too?

Leanne:
That hi was meant for the both of you’s.

Doreen:
I call that stingy.

Maureen:
Yeah, Leanne, that was. Doreen deserves a hi too.

Leanne:
Oh for goodness sake. Hi, Doreen. Is that good enough?

Mel:
In that case…what about me? No one has said a word to me yet.

Maureen and Doreen:
Hi Mel.

Leanne:
So now we’ve got hi out of the way what’s up?

Maureen:
Well, we’ve got big plans for the whole of the downstairs.

Leanne:
But you’ll mess up what you’ve already done, surely?

Mel:
And that was so tasteful.

Leanne:
Yes and restful too…like a graveyard!

Doreen:
Yes, we liked it for that reason too.

Mel:
Why doesn’t that surprise me.

Maureen:
You got it in for our Dor, Mel cause if you have…

Leanne: (Hurriedly)
No. She doesn’t mean anything, do you Mel?

Doreen:
She better not ‘cos Mor’ll flatten her, won’t you Mor?

Maureen:
Yes, I will. No-one has a go at you, Dor. Not if they know what’s good for ‘em!

Leanne:
Oh, let’s not be silly. Mel didn’t mean anything, did you Mel?

Mel:
No, of course I didn’t. I love your kitchen!

Doreen:
Oh thanks Mel.

Maureen:
Yeah, thanks Mel but the kitchen will have to get messed up a bit.

Leanne:
But you’ve only just put in that lovely serving hatch to the downstairs toilet.

Maureen:
Oh, no, that will stay. We can’t really have the toilet included in the open plan arrangement.

Mel:
You can’t?

Maureen: (Bristling)
What do you mean?

Mel:
Nothing. Absolutely nothing!

Maureen: (To Leanne)
Your mate is beginning to get on my nerves.

Leanne:
Oh, take no notice Maureen. And you Mel behave.

Maureen:
Take your friend’s advice, Mel, or I might just clobber you.

Doreen:
Yeah, you tell her Mor.

Leanne:
Let’s all calm down and then you can tell us what you’re going to do now to that lovely house.

Maureen:
Well, we’ve definitely decided we want zoned areas because they’re all the rage.

Doreen:
And we like to stay on trend, don’t we Mor?

Maureen:
Yes. Besides it will put value on the house.

Leanne:
A kitchen like yours might even get listed.

Mel:
And the toilet. Don’t forget that has a very unique feature.

Maureen:
Unique…feat…you having another pop?

Mel:
No. What I’m saying is that there can’t be many, if any, toilets in England that can boast a serving hatch.

Maureen:
Oh, that’s all right then. Yes, and we’ve given it a name.

Leanne:
A name?

Doreen:
Yes, we call it the Palace of Convenience.

Leanne:
Oh that is so apt.

Doreen:
Well it is convenient. When I’m sitting on the loo Maureen can pass through a Vodie just how I like it with ice and a slice.

Mel:
So when do you intend to start doing all this work to the ground floor?

Maureen:
We've started already.

Leanne:
Blimey you two don’t waste any time.

Maureen:
Well I won’t be doing any tonight because Julian has asked me out.

Doreen: (Spluttering)
He’s done what?

Maureen:
I didn’t tell you because I know you fancy him too but it’s me he likes.

Doreen:
Is that why he’s asked me to go out with him on Friday?

Leanne: (Spluttering)
He’s done what?

Maureen:
Yes, he’s done what?

Mel:
Sounds as if he likes to keep himself busy eh, Leanne?

Leanne:
Mel…piss off!

Maureen:
No don’t you two go falling out because of us. We’ll get it sorted, won’t we Dor?

Doreen:
I hope so, Mor. I was really looking forward to Friday night.

Mel:
Sounds like Julian's got something to look forward to every night.

Leanne,
Piss off, Mel!

Maureen:
Yes, piss off, Mel!

Doreen:
Yes, just piss off, Mel!

Mel: (Getting up)
Never mind about telling me to piss off. Sounds like this Julian bloke has got all three of you pissed off. Anyway, I’m off to meet my Garry. Have a nice day!

End of Scene