Julian asks about Kippers.

“Mum”

Here we go again. No problems today, today I feel great. I’m ready for anything he throws at me. He's no match for me today.

“Yes my little darling.”

“What’s a kipper?”

Did he just say what I thought he said.

“Say that again sweetheart.”

“A kipper. What is it?”

The things he picks up is amazing, still, it does mean that he’s very intelligent of course. Mrs Cavanagh did say he was the brightest in his class.

“Where did you hear that word from?”

“Uncle Raymond. He was talking about them to dad last night.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Well, they’re a fish that’s been smoked.”

“I thought Uncle Raymond was naughty because he smoked cigarettes, but he smokes fish as well?”

Damn. I should have seen that coming.

“No you don’t smoke them like cigarettes. They are fishes that are put in a room full of smoke and then they get a nice smokey taste.”

Well done. Nicely put.

“I thought Uncle Roger drove a taxi.”

“He does.”

“But you just said he puts fish in smokey rooms.”

“No, no, not Uncle Raymond. He just likes the taste of them I suppose. He buys them and eats them.”

“All the time?”

“No I don’t suppose he eats them all the time. Just sometimes.”

How the hell did we get here?

“Does he eat a lot of them after Christmas?”

Jesus Christ how the hell should I know!

“I don’t think so. Why do you ask?”

“Just something he said to dad.”

“Okay darling tell me EXACTLY what he said to dad.”

“Well dad asked him if he was busy.”

“Yes, go on.”

“Uncle Raymond said that he was busy at the moment but after Christmas it’s kipper season.”

Ah now I understand. Easy to explain.

“No darling. It just means a time when things are quiet that’s all.”

“What things, the kippers?”

“No, just things like shops.”

“So you’re not allowed to talk in shops then at the smokey fish time?”

God help me.

“No darling. Let me explain. You know at Christmas all the shops get really busy because everyone is buying presents?”

“Yes.”

“Well after Christmas no one is buying presents so all the shops are empty and quiet. And that’s known as the kipper season.”

Brilliant, even if I say so myself.

“So people don’t buy presents after Christmas they just buy smokey fish?”

Shit.

“No sweetheart, it’s just something that people say when the shops aren’t very busy.”

I need to change the subject quickly.

“When is your school Christmas party then?”

“Friday. We can take cakes and sweets to school.”

“That’s nice darling.”

Ahh, he’s all excited about it.

“Shall I take some smokey fish to the party.”

“No I don’t think you should darling.”

“Only joking Mum. Of course I wouldn’t take the smokey fish to school at Christmas time.”

He is such a good boy and he’s got a great sense of humour as well. Gets that from me I suppose. Certainly not from his father’s side. I do so love him.

“But after Christmas I’ll take some for everyone because that’s the proper time for the kippers because it’s the season for them.”

Bugger.

“Do we send cards to people as well like we do at Christmas. Do the cards have pictures of kippers on them. Do we wish people a merry kipper time?”

Please, please stop. I’m beaten and it’s only ten past eight.

“Let’s talk about it after Christmas shall we. Now eat your breakfast or you’ll be late for school!”