My Pale and Untamed Gut

Oh, my pale and untamed gut,
How we’ve carved ourselves a rut,
Come on! Let’s get up off this chair,
I’ve had it with this musty air,
This dusty shaft of light that’s falling
Across stretch mark and snail trail's galling,
We might as well work up a sweat,
Burn off that bacon egg baguette.

Down to the gym I boldly go,
Kicking, screaming gut in tow,
It’s been so long since chlorine whiff
Passed by my nose I thought it myth;
This corrugated cube of nightmares,
It sends a quiver down my neck hairs,
Two gallons of orange squash in hand
And a brand new set of Nike sweat bands.

Strung out on a resistance rower,
My calorific content lower,
But trakkies moist around the crack,
T-shirt clinging to my back,
I’ll thank me later, but as for now
I’m panting like an old sea cow,
How do those blokes achieve their six packs?
It’s not from scoffing cheese and Nik-Naks!

Look at those pretty girls in leggings,
And all the skinny old boys pegging
It across the treadmill rubber,
It’s enough to make this fatty blubber.
Willing the clock to tick down quicker
For every bronzed Adonis’ snicker,
Now I remember! This is why
I spent most of my time inside.

On my way home, I am defeated,
My poor old gut, unfairly treated,
Forgive me, please, my oldest friend,
Let’s find us a machine to vend
A little treat for all your troubles,
With caramel and chocolate bubbles,
No better way to show my sorrow!
No, we don’t have to go back tomorrow.