The Visit

- ‘Johnny Bowen has the same thing as you.’

- ‘What, a brain tumour?’
- ‘No, well…not really…he has cancer but not the same.’

- ‘He has a different type?’

- ‘Err, I don’t know about type…I think it’s the kind that’s easier to get at though.’

- ‘Jesus, ok…Well if it’s in Johnny’s brain, it mightn’t be too easy to get at...first, they’d have to find his brain. Still seeing as how the tumour would probably be the only thing in it, they could just remove the brain…not as if Johnny would miss it…’

- ‘That’s just nasty…anyway, it’s not in his brain, it’s in his …somewhere else.’

- ‘In his ‘somewhere else’? Well that narrows it down…any other slightly more definitive clues?

- ‘In his private bits…you know…down there’

- ‘His testis?’

- ‘His what?’

- ‘Balls!’

- ‘Shush…Jesus, do you have to be so crude?…all the other visitors are looking…’

- ‘I can see how it might be easier to get at though…’

- ‘Anyway…they had to cut ‘em off.’

- ‘What…both of them?

- ‘I don’t know but Julie is worried that he won’t be able to…you know…’

- ‘Get an erection?’

- ‘What?’

- ‘Screw her?’

- ‘God…you’re disgusting and do you have to be so loud…God!’

- ‘I’m losing the will to breathe here, honest I am…’

- ‘You want me to call a nurse?’

- ‘No love…I was speaking figuratively.’

- ‘Speaking stupidly, if you ask me…’

- ‘Which is why I didn’t…anyway Julie won’t be the only bird worried, if Johnny can’t get it up, I reckon.’

- ‘What do you mean by that?’

- ‘Oh, come on…he’s had it off with every good looking bird in the street…’

- ‘Rubbish! He’s never tried it on with me for starters…’

- ‘No? Well there’s a shocker…’

- ‘And what’s that supposed to mean?’

- ‘What? No…I mean, he was probably starting at the bottom and working his way up…saving the best for last. Anyway, if he tried it, he knows I’d kill him.’

- ‘Ah, that’s sweet. Would you really fight for my honour?’

- ‘Of course, my love…you know me and my passion for lost causes; couldn’t help myself, could I?’

- ‘mmm, my shiny knight in armour…’

- ‘Knight in shining armour?’

- ‘Whatever!...Speaking of passion…now that they got that thing out of your head, maybe your passion will come back again…’

- ‘Err…yeah…’course depends on which bits were permanently damaged…It’ll be a while before we know. I really hope it’s ok…only time will tell, I suppose.

- ‘Yeah, that’s what Julie was saying too…she thinks you’ve got a better chance than Johnny though…’

- ‘You mean to tell me, that you’ve been discussing our sex life with gob-for-rent Julie, the biggest mouth in the country? Fuck me!’

- ‘Shush, people will hear…anyway, I didn’t…well, not everything. Wasn’t a lot to discuss anyway really, was there?’

- ‘Well it’s nice to know, that I’ve got a better chance of getting it up, than a guy who has had his balls snipped…great…What did you tell her exactly?

- ‘SO crude! Nothing much…other than, we hadn’t been doing ‘it’ much lately…or at all really, for a while…like a year or so…or maybe a bit more…’

- ‘Ohhh Fuck!’

- ‘Don’t worry, I didn’t tell her about the other things…you know… the weird stuff…’

- ‘Hey?’

- ‘The err…torch thingy…the ‘Dodo’’

- ‘Dildo! A Dodo is an extinct bird…’

- ‘Whatever!…I’d be an extinct bird, if I tried to get that up me whatsit…and keep your voice down.’

- ‘Torch? Where are you getting ‘torch’ from?

- ‘Well, the batteries fitted the torch, mind you; the torch only took two of them…’

- ‘You could have at least tried it…’

- ‘Yeah, if me name was Red Rum…’

- ‘I doubt it; he was a gelding.’

- ‘I thought it was a horse?’

- ‘He was but they cut his nuts off and then he was a gelding…’

- ‘Flipping heck, why’d they do that to him?’

- ‘So he would run faster…’

- ‘Jesus…I wonder if Johnny Bowen will be able to run faster now too?

- ‘I’m sure that will be top of list, of things to try…right up there with crossing his legs, thongs and nude modelling…’

- ‘He looks very thin…’

- ‘Well, he has lost two stones…’

- ‘That would be funny, if it wasn’t so gross…’

- ‘Any more cheerful news?’

- ‘Fred Sharkey said hello. He said to tell you that the darts team haven’t lost a game since you been off it…so that’s good news isn’t it?’

- ‘Brilliant! That’s cheered me up no end…’

- ‘He said to tell you, that he done something.’

- ‘What?’

- ‘I can’t remember…’

- ‘Hey?’

- ‘Gimme a minute…it was something to do with darts…err I think it was, that he was playing a match and he got …a hole in one…yeah, I think that was it.’

- ‘Fuck me!’

- ‘Is that hard to do or something? What are you looking at me like that for?’

- ‘Where was he fucking playing…Saint Andews?

- ‘Oh…I think it was the ‘Queen Nelson’…..what?’

- ‘I love you girl, I really do…’

- ‘Ah, I lov….’

- ‘but sometimes, I think that there are more brains in a chocolate mouse, than there are between your fucking ears.’

- ‘Charming, I’m sure!’

- ‘A ‘Hole-in-one’, is what you can get when you play golf…..’

- ‘Oh, does Fred play golf too?’

- ‘No…he doesn’t…’

- ‘Well how did he get ‘A-One-In-a-Hole’ then?

- ‘He didn’t …and it’s a ‘HOLE-IN-ONE!’

- ‘Alright….Jesus! Well how did he get one of them then?’

- ‘HE DIDN’T, YOU SILLY MARE…AND…AS FAR AS I KNOW, LORD NELSON WASN’T A FUCKING QUEEN!!!’

- ‘There’s no need to shout…now the whole bloody ward is looking at us…’

- ‘GOD help us…’

- ‘and anyway, Mr. Know-it-all…how come, if Lord Nelson was so straight, he asked some bloke to kiss his whatsit, when he got shot…hey?’

- ‘Kiss his WHATSIT??

- Shush…yeah, he said to some bloke, ‘Kiss me …[hard-on]…and that’s true, cause I heard a bloke on Tele on about it…explain that.’

- ‘He said the blokes name, which….’

- ‘Oh right…and the blokes name just happened to be Hard-on…bit of a coincidence that, wasn’t it? Gimme a break…ha!’

- ‘Can you do me a favour?’

- ‘Of course I can, what is it…are you alright, you look a bit flushed?

- Could you find the surgeon, that operated on me and ask him to PUT THE CANCER BACK IN MY FUCKING HEAD…OR FAILING THAT, FUCKING SHOOT ME?’

- ‘You’re upset…I can tell!’

- ‘No shit Sherlock…’

- ‘Is that the visitor’s bell…God, that time went quick, didn’t it?

- ‘You think?’
- ‘I better go and you need your rest. Is there anything that I can bring you tomorrow?

- ‘Cigars…whiskey…’Playboy…strychnine?’

- ‘Oh, by the way, it’s Mum’s birthday tomorrow…what do you think I should get her?’

- ‘Give her the Dildo.’

- ‘You’re disgusting…give us a kiss. I’ll see you tomorrow and tell you all the news.’

- ‘I can’t wait…’

- ‘G’night Pet.’

- ‘Good night.’

Chris Birrane © 2013