the only thing worse than leaving

the only thing worse than leaving is coming back again and finding everything is the same except that you can't be a part of it anymore because you aren't the same and you can never be a part of it again because you will never be the same and eventually it will change and you won't even want to come back anymore because you aren't the same and it isn't the same and then you will take a look around and realize that you wasted the best years you had and now for eight hours a day you're stuck in a small room at a computer screen with some guy at another computer screen who always has a cold and likes to touch your things and stand close when he talks and you can smell his lunch on his breath but you don't say anything because he is what passes as a friend now which is what happens when you spend all day cooped up in a poorly lit room with one other person in between your time at home which is spent eating breakfast or dinner and watching the morning or evening news after waking up or before going to sleep all alone in a small apartment in some big city that you can barely afford to live in and sometimes you look out your bedroom window and think about the people you knew living their lives and falling in love and getting married and having kids and getting divorced and growing old and retiring and finally dying and you wonder what makes them so special and why you can't have these things and then you pull the blinds because it's best not to think too much so you take a hot shower to relax and drink some cheap alcohol that tastes worse than you feel but that gets less noticeable every sip and with every sip you start thinking more this time about that bottle of sleeping pills in the medicine cabinet and how nice they would taste with your drink and how much better everything would be if you could just sleep forever but you never get drunk enough to actually do it and then you feel worse because it's just one more thing you didn't have the courage to do like showing up at that audition for bassists or punching back when they beat you up or telling her you loved her when she may have actually said I love you back