Final Moments

I exhaled. Time slowed, all of the pain and suffering left in the breath slowly, dragging it out of me as a painful reminder of where I was. I received a moment of peace and then the pain came back. Breath by breath I was dragging a knife through my skin.

I wasn’t even focusing on the hallway I was making my way down, I may have walked straight into someone and not noticed as there was action and noise everywhere. But my head made it seem like one of those videos of traffic, nothing was focused; everything was moving past at speed while I slowed. The only thing I could hear was my heart. Thump. Thump. The only steady element; but it ricocheted around my head hitting walls and falling back again in time to the killer breaths.

I reached the door. Time to be strong. I pushed it open and stepped inside.

I stood by the door and let it fall slowly, quietly. She turned her neck and smiled. Her smile washed over me and all of the pain left by the walk down the hall left me instantly. The smile wasn’t pained and it was just pure; pure happiness to see me. I smiled back and walked to her side. As I leant down to kiss her cheek; she whispered in my ear, ‘Hey’.

I slowly sat down in the chair next to her bed.
‘How you doing today?’

‘I’m okay’, she still was smiling at me. ‘It’s good to see you.’

‘The kids wanted to come but I told them that they needed to go to school. Get back into their routine.’

A brief look of pain crossed her face but it was gone as suddenly as it had appeared and she was smiling again. ‘Good. I need you to keep them focused. Make sure their homework is always done.’

Silence passed between us. Not an awkward one; but one of recollection, one of acceptance. ‘I will, I promise you.’ I leant forward and grabbed her hand to kiss it softly. She sighed and stroked my head.

How was it that a year could have passed so quickly? It all seemed to have passed so fast even with the stages that we had all gone through as a family.

First there had been disbelief; I would not; could not accept that she was ill. She struggled more than anyone in this stage. We were a healthy family; didn’t seem possible that it would be us.

Then came anger and hurt. I hardly talked during this stage and if I did it was to shout and scream and curse the high heavens. It wasn’t fair; no matter how many times she tried to calm me down. Her calmness had made me angrier at the situation.

Then we dealt. I don’t know how we pulled through but our kids are amazing. Teenage daughter and our 10 year old son; they kept me smiling every day. It was just this last bit that we had all been dreading; the hospital visits, the false smiles, the over-caring relatives that won’t stop calling to check she was still around.

Pulled back into the room by her voice; she said, ‘What you thinking about?’

‘Just about how happy I am to be your husband. And how proud of you I am; for being so strong.’

‘Hey, you are the strong one. I couldn’t have done this and been so calm without you.’ I was biting back tears, not wanting to show her how scared I was. But I couldn’t fool her.

‘We’ve lived a great life together.’

‘Don’t..’ I started, ‘Yes we have.’ She interrupted me forcefully. ‘We have lived a better life than I could have ever asked for. We have two beautiful, intelligent, strong children. The fact that I know you’re going to be there to guide them in their footsteps through life; makes me so happy.’

‘I don’t think I can do this without you.’

‘You don’t need to be scared; I’ll be there. I will. Just not how we imagined.’ I leant my head forward onto her lap; ‘I love you.'

‘I love you.’ She lifted my head to look at her. ‘We have the best memories. Every day with you was wonderful; no matter what happened. Promise me you’ll remember that.’

‘Of course I will.’ I leaned up to put my arm round her and kissed her lips. She settled on me; ‘You’ve made me so happy.’ She exhaled.

I stepped outside and let the tears fall. I had no strength to hold them back; my heart wasn’t beating. I couldn’t hear it. The nurse walked up to me, ‘Are you okay?’ She asked but she recognised the look on my face before I had even uttered the words; ‘She’s gone.’

My legs buckled; I slid down the wall outside her room as the nurse rushed past me.

I calmed my breathing, took out my phone and dialled.

‘Hello…