So we didn't survive the week

I am oblivious, I have been alone for so long, been wanting to not be alive for so long that I belittle those that value life. Such little suffering have I let myself be subjected to that I cannot even imagine the least of your pain. You go through things and I watch and allow them to consume you, I go through things and you consume them for me. It's easy for me to see that I do not deserve you.

I have lingered here for so long in the darkness that it has become my reference point. Everything stems from me and my selfishness.

I wonder now that you have seen how unhappy we can be, will you leave me. We cannot carry on like a song on repeat.

I still have to learn how to be selfless and do this one thing for everyone and stop being afraid of every possible thing happening, stop being afraid of life. Stop thinking that the only time I am happy is when I can indulge my misery. Make it worth everyone's while and just let it all go.

All the things I diid wrong and all the things that I cannot fix, all the things I regret I wasn't thankful for. Get up and face it. Yes I failed, I failed. I didn't die...not even when every single part of my being told me to. Not when the pain was so unbearable I begged for it to stop. I continued living half a life and spreading my desease around.

I am most sorry for the fact that I made you unhappy, that you had to be there for this, that I wasn't able for one second to put my needs aside. That you did not get to see me in my full glory.

My love for you extends to this. That when it all ends or begins I want to have looked at you one more time and known that you knew that you weren't wrong for sticking around as long as you did and we would finally get to share in each others happiness.

Thank you for everything that you have made me realise. For loving me enough for the both of us. For believing in me when I couldn't. For caring enough about the person I was when I didn't. For expecting the best when I expected the worst and for holding me until your arms got tired and still doing it even after that.

You deserve everything that this life can offer and I shall henceforth endeavor to give it to you.

So we didn't survive the week...we still have the rest of our lives.