Craven Danger on the Run - Part Five

Craven Danger took aim and fired.

“Hold still,” said Betty. “Don’t move a muscle. I see what your problem is, Mr. Danger.”

Betty walked over to Craven and, using both her thumbs, maneuvered his eyelids to the open position.

“Peek a Boo,” said Betty. “I see ya, Mr. Danger. No wonder you ain’t ever shot nothin’. Ya got your eyes closed everytime ya pull the trigger. That’s fine if ya wanna hit the side of a barn, which ya just done by the way, but if ya fightin’ for ya life, your gonna wanna see who’s shootin’ at ya. Otherwise, you’re the dead guy in the picture and your part in the movie's all over.”

“I concentrate better with my eyes closed,” said Craven.

“I’m not even gonna respond ta that with a wise-crack, Mr. Danger,” said Betty. “I’m hopin' I was just hearin’ things.”

“Very funny,” said Craven. “Bein’ married to you is like have my own vaudeville show all day long. Just one laugh after another at my expense.”

“There’s that whinge machine again,” said Betty. “Let’s see if we can’t pull the plug on that thing and get you to hit somethin’ that ya actually meant ta shoot.”

“Sorry, Betty,” said Craven, “but I left my last laugh in my other suit.”

“Cute,” said Betty. “Now pay attention. Ya see that scarecrow in the next field? The one wearin’ the top hat?”

“Yeah, I see it," said Craven. “But I don’t know what he’s tryin’ ta scare. It don’t look like there’s been corn in that field since Moses.”

“Well,” said Betty. “I wantcha ta knock that hat right off his stuffed head. And no magic tricks, like doin’ it with your eyes closed, Mr. Danger. ’Cause that ain’t been workin’ for ya.”

“Never you mind, Betty,” said Craven. “I’ll show ya some shootin’. Just watch me.”

Craven Danger dropped to one knee, took aim, and fired.

“Got it!” said Craven. “Did ya see that, Betty? It went flyin’ right off his head!”

“I saw it all right,” said Betty. “There’s hope for you yet, Mr. Danger.”

“Hey!” came a voice from the other field. “What’s the idea! You could have killed me.”

“Who said that?” said Craven.

“I think it was the scarecrow,” said Betty.

“I hope so,” said Craven. “I hate to think I almost shot a real person.”

“Hang on ta that thought,” said Betty. “We’ll get back to it later.”

“Hey, look,” said Craven. “There’s Sidney with his dog, and he’s talkin’ to the scarecrow.”

“Sidney could talk the paint off a fence post,” said Betty. “We better get over there.”

“So,” Sidney was saying to the scarecrow, “is his some sort of drunken sorority prank? Ya know, when I was first in the army, me and a couple of the fellas was out on a weekend furlough in London. All I remember was the bartender puttin’ the glasses of beer down on the bar. The next thing I know I’m swingin’ by my ankles under the London Bridge. I guess I was still pretty drunk because all I remember was lookin' up at my ankles and thinkin’, ‘Gee, those fellas tie a pretty good knot’. Then I look down and all I see is water, and this guy in a boat yelling up, 'There are laws against that sort of thing around here! You get down from there immediately! There’s a war on, you know!’ That’s when I realized that the knot wasn’t as good as I first thought. Because it slipped and down I came, head first.

"It was a good thing that man in the boat was there or we wouldn’t be having this conversation today.”

“That would have suit me just fine,” said the scarecrow. “And please don’t try to untie me from my post. I want to be rescued by the proper authorities. My kidnapers have put me through quite a terrible ordeal and I deserve a grand rescue. If you’re heading into Manhattan I want you to contact the mayor’s office and inform him of the situation. He’ll know what to do. It’s an election year and he loves the publicity. And if at all possible tell him that whatever forces he sends to rescue me, I prefer they be on horseback and that they are escorted by a Scottish brigade playing Drink to Me Only With Thine Eyes on the bagpipes.”

That said, FDR lifted his leg and did his business at the feet of the scarecrow.

“Well,” said the scarecrow. “I guess that just about makes my day, doesn’t it! Why doesn’t someone just shoot me!”

“Hear that, Mr. Danger?” said Betty. “Looks like we got ourselves a kidnappin’ case.”

“And ta think I almost killed him before we even started.”