Your Picture On The News

By jolono

Fri, 28 Feb 2014
  • 4481 reads
8 comments
 

I waited there for ages,

But you never came to meet

So I walked back dissapointed

Shoes dragging on the street.

 

I passed a running stranger

A scaghead off his face

He ran into the bushes

Gone without a trace

 

I saw the flashing lights

Some red but most were blue

I called your mobile number

Just a message said by you.

 

"Sorry, I’m  unable to take

Your call right now

Please leave your name and number

I’ll get back to you somehow."

 

It made me smile, that message

The way you spoke so frank

I walked passed our old school gates

But stopped promptly at the bank.

 

There were people running everywhere

What the fuck was going on?

But carried on regardless

And hummed your favourite song

 

I got back to our little house

Took off my favourite shoes

And then I saw your picture

ON THE NEWS.

 

 

Certificate 15
Poem
Poems of Life and Love
Other Fiction

Comments

Submitted by jolono on

This is a complete "write down" Just sat and wrote it. Not sure it works? 

Tell me please...

 

Submitted by celticman on

yeh, I do that sometimes. It's a bit surreal and real, but again I'm not sure about the poetry angle.

 

Submitted by Bee on

Hi jolono.

I found this interesting in that the rhythm, being jaunty and quite cheerful, as when someone is walking home unaware that they shouldn't perhaps be whistling if they knew what they were about to find out - (de-da de-da de dum-dum, de-da de-da de dum...) - or a tuneless little song on the brain, works against the subject really well, making it more of a shock.

I also liked that until nearing the end, the reader doesn't realise the significance of the 'scaghead'. As you have written it quickly and have asked for thoughts, I hope you won't mind me saying that I felt that there were a couple of bits that seemed as if they might be  there to make up the rhythm, or rhyme, eg. 'Took off my favourite shoes' - which might more naturally be - ( took off my coat and shoes). And - in the first stanza, 'you never came to meet.' If it was me, I'd tweak a bit here and there and keep going with this one. I think it would make a great performance piece. It's great to read out loud where you can use your tone of voice to vary the mood. I really liked it, and now because of that rhythm, it's got stuck in my tiny brain.

And yeah, it works for me!

Bee

Submitted by jolono on

Thanks Bee. This sort of started with the line " So I'll get up in the morning and slip on my favourite shoes, then forget about those pictures on the news."

The poem was going to be about all the dreadful images we see on the television, yet just got on with life and perhaps not give them another thought until the next time we switch on.

I went with that theme for about ten lines then completely changed it to what it is now. But I wrote it very quickly, maybe five minutes at the most.

I think you're right. It does need more thought. I'll shelve it for now and perhaps work on the original idea.

Thanks for the great comments and taking the time to go through it. Appreciated.

 

Submitted by RJF on

Eek! What an ending, I liked it. R 

 

Submitted by grover on

I didn't see the ending coming but the scag head and flashing lights make sense after the last line. Before that it was rather surreal. Nice structure though I'm not a poet, or maybe don't know it? Either way this was rather fun to read. 

 

Submitted by Shannan on

I found the flow worked for me and that the completely natural nonchalance of your 'normality' contrasted with the chaos to make the ending an "oh shit" moment came in at exactly the right pitch and tone... I found the title of the poem gave the ending away though...

Hope you are well. Have a fab weekend :-) $

 

Submitted by Denzella on

Joe,

I think this could be good but I don't think it is at the moment.  To me, it seems like a first draft and you do give away the ending with that title.  However, it does have your hallmark of a good story so it is well worth  a re-write and you have the talent to do it. 

Moya

Lincoln is going to have his operation soon.  I asked for a second opinion and I also asked the chief vet to explain to me what the likely outcome would be.  He managed to reassure me though I am still  worried.  He got another first the other night.  It was only  a small competition but still I am so proud of him..