The Golden Spoon Award

Sagebush Toadselector was not just any run-of-the-mill dessert impersonator. If fact, her strawberry jam tart and custard won the prestigious Golden Spoon award three times in a row back in the late 1990s, with one judge describing her hand gestures as ‘custard coming alive!’

Although, her real talent lay in custard mimicry, Toadselector was not unwilling to try other pudding accompaniments and sauces. For example, her brandy sauce for her BBC TV Christmas Special was regarded by several TV critics as a masterpiece unlikely ever to be equalled, with some rating her show above and beyond the benchmark set by Morecombe and Wise in their heyday. It must be said too that neither Morecombe or Wise ever attempted to portray a sponge pudding in front of a live audience and TV viewers numbered in their millions, using only a piece of cardboard and a boob tube.

However, such cutting-edge dessert impersonation is not without its dangers, and not just from over-eager fans rushing forward with their spoons. Sometimes, say, in the case of pretending to be an apple crumble the risks to the performer – especially if they are attempting to be portraying Bramley apples – are considerable.

Tragedy struck Toadselector in what will from now on always be known as the Great Spotted Dick Disaster, when in a never before seen attempt to recreate over a score of currants live on stage, Toadselector fell thirty feet from her malfunctioning harness onto the stage below. Such was Toadselector’s devotion to her craft and striving for full authenticity she never used a safety net, not even when attempting an Eton Mess.

As the Prime Minister said in his eulogy at her funeral ‘We will not look upon her Apple Strudel again.’ Later that day her body was encased in pastry covered in custard and buried in her home town of Luton, while a honour guard of pastry chefs held their serving spoons at half mast.