Prison - Cell Mates - I.P. A Monologue 1090 words

Part One -  Prison - Cell Mates!   A Monologue   1090 words

She was beginning to get on my nerves with all her questions.

‘How come they let you out so soon after the first one?’ she said. 

‘Because I’d been repatriated.’

She looked a bit puzzled at that.  I don’t think she’s the sharpest knife in the drawer.  I don’t like to cast exertions but I think she’s none too bright.

‘Yes, repatriated’ I said again but still she had that vacant look on her face.  You know the one.  The one that says the lights are on but there’s no-one in.

‘Repatriated? Oh so you’re a foreigner, are you?’           

‘Who do you think you are, calling me a foreigner?  I’ll have you know I was born in King George’s hospital so I’ve got Royal connections, I have.  If I were you I’d watch my mouth…casting exertions like that.’

‘Okay but you still murdered your husband.’

‘It was a first offence. They don’t take offence quite so much if it’s a first offence.’ 

‘There’s something wrong with the justice system if you got two years for murder and I get three for shoplifting.’ 

‘Well,’ I said, ‘its not as if you haven’t done it before now, is it? You’re what the authorities call a ritual offender. If you are going to make a habit of stealing then you can’t expect the authorities to turn a blind eye now, can you?’ 

‘Oh, but it’s alright for you to go murdering your husbands.’

‘Oh, don’t exacipate, when I got the two year sentence, I had only done away with Isambard.  Isambard who names their baby Isambard and then have him turn out a plumber?’

‘So how long did you get for the second one?’

‘Well, if it’s any of your business I think it was five years. To tell you the truth I wasn’t really listening.  I was too busy looking at the state of the carpet on the court room floor.  It looked long overdue for a bit of a clean.  Would have done it for them too if I had me Marigolds and me upright Vax but they compensated them. The carpet in my house, Ivory Whisper, been down nearly four years now but still looks like new.  I won’t have anyone step through the door till I’ve had their shoes.’  

‘Never mind about carpets,’ she said, ‘what about this repatriation thing you keep talking about? I want to know more about that if it can get you just two years for murder then I’m all ears.’

I didn’t like to comment but you would have thought her mother would have had something done about them when she was a child.

Anyway, from what this woman had just said I could hazard a guess that she was none too fussy about the house so I thought I had better put her straight on a few things.

‘Look here, if we’re going to co-habituate you better make sure this cell is kept clean and tidy or we’re not going to get along at all,’ I said.  In any case, the authorities won’t think you’ve been repatriated while you still wear them,’ I said, pointing to what looked like a pair of curtains hanging from the line in our cell.

‘What?’

‘Your bloomers…you’re still wearing them and they’ve got legs down to your knees.  They’re what I call shoplifters’ bloomers.  My neighbour Nancy over the road she wears them too but then she’s a very big woman.  When she’s got ‘em out on the line they’re included in the shipping forecast.  Before I came in here I swear I used to hear the BBC Announcer say all that stuff about Cromarty, Doggerbank, Fast Net and Loose Bloomers.  On a windy day, it’s true; they are a danger to shipping.’

‘Never mind about bloomers,’ she said, ‘you only got five years for murdering your second husband?’ 

‘Well, that’s because I was remorseless’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I said it was a terrible mistake and it wouldn’t happen again.’

‘But that was the second time so you’re a ritual…ritual…that was what you called it, right?  What does it mean?’ 

‘It means you’ve done it more than once.’

‘Oh you mean habitual.’

‘Do I?  Anyway, if habitual means habits don’t talk to me about them.  He had habits…the second one! That was what did for him in the end.  Habits! I can’t be doing with habits!  Especially habits like he had.’

‘Why, whatever were they?  They must have been bad to get him bonked on the head like the other one.’

‘Other one?  Oh, you mean Isambard.  I’d forgotten all about him. Oh, it wasn’t habits with him, no, he was just plain awkward and I can’t abide awkward.  Come to think of it, nor for that matter, can I abide…habits!’

‘Where did you meet your second husband because you weren’t out long before you married again?’

‘I met him in here.’

‘How come?’

‘He was the Prison Chaplain.’

‘You married the Prison Chaplain?’

‘S’right.’

‘And you murdered him.’

‘S’right. ‘Wasn’t exactly murder though was it?  It wasn’t as if it was pre-menstruated.’

‘How do you mean, pre-menstruated?’

‘Well I was in one of them pound shops checking out what it would cost me to buy rat poison, should the occasion demand it.  Well, I’m not going to pay Q & B’s prices am I? Not for something like that but you know how crowded those shops get. There I am trying to work out how much I would need for a man of his weight but I’m being jostled and I’ve never taken to being jostled so I couldn’t constipate and that’s how I ended up with so much surplus to requiemments.’

‘Oh, so you didn’t mean to kill him?’

‘Oh, bless your heart, yes… I did… but I didn’t tell the judge that. Well he didn’t need to know now, did  he, but I’ve never liked waste and I didn’t really need that much so I was not best pleased I can tell you.  I had ended up paying almost as much as I would have in Q & B and they’re only just down the road from me.’  

‘What have you done with the rest?’ She said looking worried. 

I had to laugh.  Seeing her look so worried. 

Mind you I could understand it because I’ve been given a new work detail.  Yes, would you believe they’ve put me in the kitchen?  It seems they like my cakes.  Well, they will…till someone upsets me!