All I Wanted Was A Pony

I never wanted a baby brother. But there he was. Cooing away and kicking his little legs like he was anxious to get somewhere fast. And all those adults 'oohing' and 'ahing' and showering him with such a torrential downpour of bad breath and spittle that I was forced to take refuge in my favorite hiding place. 

In my spot beneath the dinning room table I could breathe. Unencumbered by the mad frivolity that was going on in the next room. No one ever bothered me under that table. That's because no one ever dined there except on special occasions like Christmas and Thanksgiving. The rest of the time it was all mine. Under that table I am the commanding general! Leading my army of Ninja Turtles and X-Men into bloody combat against a vicious battalion of war-torn Barbies! 

The entire Barbie brigade belonged to my kid sister, but since she’s away at summer camp, I thought I’d put them into service. Cast off your slinky bikini’s, I say! Off with those leopard-skin trousers! No more to wear the alluring attire some Madison Avenue hacks had bestowed upon you in their diabolical plot to enslave your gender as sexual eye-candy for the masses!

Then I heard that voice. ‘Georgie? Are you in here. Come out, Georgie Porgie. Wherever you are!’

It was my Aunt Cassandra! Or, as I liked to call her, the slobbering menace! She had no doubt slathered an ample amount of ruby red lipstick onto those fat, fishy lips of hers, and will do her best to paint my face with an ample amount of that tainted monkey blood! Or whatever it is those mad scientists at the make-up laboratories have killed to further the enslavement of the female population! But I will have no monkey blood on my hands! 

I shrouded my armies with my Iron Man beach towel and kept as silent as the Ken dolls whose mouths I had taped shut in order to suppress their angry cries!

‘Oh there you are!’ she squawked. ‘And what in heaven’s name is going on under there? Come on out and give your old auntie a smooch!'

Oh, the  devil’s tongue if ever I heard it! First it’s a kiss. Then it’s a bone crunching embrace that leaves me weak and defenseless! She is a cunning old fox for sure! No doubt sent by my kid sister to strip me of my command and make sure I have not completely annihilated her massive collection of undernourished and scantly clad she-dolls!

‘I’ve got you!’ she said.

I was much too tardy in my plan to make a hasty retreat, and soon found myself suffocating in the smelly perfumed bosom of my plump and aged aunt!

‘I could just eat you all up!’ she said. 

She actually said that! I froze in disbelief and tried in vain to wriggle my way free of this horrific ordeal. But, alas, it was not to be. She was a mighty warrior and thwarted all my awkward attempts to escape! I have yet again failed in my ongoing struggle to win just one battle against this ruthless queen of darkness who taunts me with promises of ice cream and cake!

So, go I must! But, like a magnificent tide, I shall return! Maybe next time with a pony. It was my one birthday wish last year. Maybe, this time, some generous wish-giver will see things my way for once!