Pushed

Cherry

By Deliberately Evolving

Sun, 12 Jul 2015
  • 2243 reads
12 comments
 
Pushed 
 
Standing on the precipice.
Reached the edge, teetering,
feeling like you're going to fall.
Still hanging on for dear life,
trying to keep your balance,
not lose your footing, slipping.
 
A hand...
 
Reaches out to you, familiar,
one you ought to trust,
looking like they might
pull you back to safety.
You look into their eyes 
for help and reassurance - 
they look back at you 
blankly without empathy...
 
...and push. 
 
Falling to the depths
of a deep and black abyss.
No coming back from that,
no matter how hard they wish 
to turn back time, flick the switch,
go back to normal life again.
You've gone, checked out,
shattered beyond repair.
You didn't fall, 
it was no accident - 
 
they pushed.
Certificate U
Poem

Comments

Submitted by Bee on

This is good, AE. 'no use assigning blame.' - that doesn't seem right as you are assigning blame. If you took that out, I think it would work well. Lots of emotion behind the words.

Bee

Submitted by Parson Thru on

Cold and very stark AE. Creates an atmosphere. Agree with Bee on the penultimate line. Maybe leave that one out.

Parson Thru

Submitted by Deliberately Ev... on

Thanks Bee and Parson Thru. I took your advice. I guess I had a point on my mind but it didn't quite work. 

The beat of your heart is the mellifluent rhythm to my soul.

Submitted by Deliberately Ev... on

Thanks Admin, for the cherries. I appreciate it. Hope you enjoy the rest of the weekend. 

AE.

The beat of your heart is the mellifluent rhythm to my soul.

Submitted by skinner_jennifer on

The painting really added something to this poem, a kind of silent terror at what was to come.

Very skilled piece of writing.

Jenny.

 

Submitted by Deliberately Ev... on

Thanks Jenny. I liked the painting too. I kind of thought it looked like the guy was standing there after he had pushed the person over the edge. Either way it looks kind of terrifying doesn't it.

The beat of your heart is the mellifluent rhythm to my soul.

Submitted by Silver Spun Sand on

Fantastic poem, Ae...

One thing maybe to think about is having a linebreak after the penultimate line in the last stanza as you have with the preceding two stanzas. It would add to the poem's overall impact, and showcase that final line admirably

Great stuff, and well done on the more than deserved cherry.

Tina

 

 

Submitted by Deliberately Ev... on

Thanks Tina. That's great feedback. 

Im getting a lot of useful critique on this poem.

The beat of your heart is the mellifluent rhythm to my soul.

Submitted by Silver Spun Sand on

Perfection itselfsmiley

 

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

So chilling.

Submitted by Rhiannonw on

As has been said, very vividly yet concisely written, and left one wondering about what situation it would be depicting. I was intrigued about the line you'd been encouraged to take out, and your reply, that you still were worrying a little there might be some blame lurking to have provoked the push??? Rhiannon

 

Submitted by Deliberately Ev... on

That is another extremely insightful comment Rhiannon. There is always blame in the heart of someone who tries to push - they always have justification and reason, they are always provoked and it's always your fault. I guess I had that in mind but it wasn't necessary for the message of the poem. 

The beat of your heart is the mellifluent rhythm to my soul.