Dogs
By london_calling79
- 11578 reads
Corner seat of a clattering cafe, alongside the stickered window he’s sat alone, waiting. Ill at ease, he pretends to look at two retrievers lassoed to bollards outside. They stare back, languid, like he's meat.
She flips in, all bony lines, straps and plastic bracelets; sits and orders. Same as him, but half his age. I can’t help but turn the volume down and listen. She speaks first; takes the lead.
‘Hey.’
‘Hey.’
‘How’s things?’
‘Fine. You?’
‘Good.’
He blows his cheeks out; hands open from the sides of his coffee cup.
‘So what’s up?’
She flicks her straight black hair behind her left ear; traces a finger across a slender collar bone.
‘I want you to sleep with me.’
No surprise from him; plenty from me. He finishes the sip of coffee and lets the foam linger before pursing his lips to remove it; puts the cup down gently; speaks.
‘How long have you felt like this?’
‘Since we met I suppose. I want you to teach me. Teach me about men.’
He twists the metal round his ring finger; contemplative.
‘You’ve been in our house. Met my kids. My wife.’
‘I know all of that. But. But I’m sure we could come to some arrangement.’
I’m hooked. He’s retrieved the coffee cup, taken a long sip while eyeing those dogs again; chained; constrained. He locks his eyes on hers.
‘I’ll teach you. I’ll teach you everything you need to know.’
She lights up; her smile only just wider than his.
‘Oh my God, I’ll be discreet, I promise. Nobody will know.’
He holds up a hand to stop her.
‘I want everyone to know.’
She’s turned like a fly in the air; flailing.
‘I want everyone to know that I’m the man who taught you; that I’m the man who taught you about men. That taught you we aren’t all dogs.’
He puts the cup down gently; leaves her, I, and the dogs staring.
- Log in to post comments
Comments
gets you on the rebound.
gets you on the rebound. There's a jump in the point of view from the narrator to that of the dogs watching him, in the first parargraph. It's a forecful imaged. Just meat. But incongrouus.
- Log in to post comments
Very magnetic piece this, London
However, I was kind of disappointed you changed the opening para from just meat to like he's meat. I found the change dilutes the impact. It may well be incongruous, but I feel the flat statement 'Just meat' somehow sums up a bored dog's mindset.
Apologies to Celtic, but that's how saw it.
- Log in to post comments
I had to read back at one
I had to read back at one point to work out how many people there were and who was who, but apart from that this is great. The dialogue feels very authentic - really nice to see some prose from you!
One typo - discrete should be discreet
- Log in to post comments
Pick of the Day and Story of the Week
Can't be bad! And it isn't. I read and re-read this before getting to the bottom of every careful word. Definitely a poet writing prose - and doesn't it work well?
- Log in to post comments
Overheard conversations are
Overheard conversations are endlessly fascinating, as is the strangeness of other people's lives. You capture both.
- Log in to post comments
I love this.
I love this.
- Log in to post comments
What a clever piece of prose.
What a clever piece of prose. Much enjoyed.
Moya
- Log in to post comments
I'm a big fan of dialoge and
I'm a big fan of dialoge and you've captured it well, lc. No matter the ins or outs of your congruous. (But I always listen to celtic. That man knows things.) Loved this, lc.
Rich
- Log in to post comments
This was really cool and
This was really cool and confident and effective. Great tight economical prose. Liked little touches liked chained, constrained.
- Log in to post comments
I loved this. Perfect pacing,
I loved this. Perfect pacing. The turn at the end wasn't overdone either. I had to read it a couple of times to make sure I had fully understood - disbelieving, as the narrator would have been.
- Log in to post comments