Mr MacJiggles Magical Store

Scene: MacJiggles Magical Store - Day - A shop counter with a cash register upon it and behind it shelves stacked with jars and boxes.
Mr MacJiggle is standing behind a counter, wearing a hat and an apron.
Mr MacJiggle: Welcome to MacJiggles Magical Store. Please, do come in and look around. Are you looking for anything in particular or have you just come in to browse. Well, whichever it is, I'm certain that you'll find something in my magical store that will amaze you. You see my shop is not like any of the other shops you'll find in your street. All the items in my shop are magical.
Perhaps you would like to do some flying, in which case my shop stocks a wonderful selection of flying witches brooms, flying carpets, levitation potions and spare fairy wings incase your normal fairy wings get torn or perhaps you're a witch or a wizard who wants to cast spells, if so we have a wizard selection of cauldrons in all sizes; stirring spoons and magical ingredients with a special offer on frogs eyes and lizards gizzards or if wishes are what your after well then your in luck because in my shop we also stock Genies lamps and fairy wands; guaranteed to grant three wishes or your money back.To be honest, my friend, I'm glad you're here.
You see I've been having a lot of bad luck lately. I think a rival shopkeeper has put a hex on my business, probably Mordred's magical imporium. I've had nothing but people asking for refunds on faulty items all week. Still, I've consulted the oracle and she says that destiny is going to send me a good luck charm.
(Noises off: The sound of the bell above the door of the shop ringing)
Oh. Another customer. If you wouldn't mind I'll just see what this gentleman wants but please, feel free to look around.
Enter Man from off right carrying a genies lamp and he stops infront of the shop counter -
Man: Mr MacJiggle.
Mr MacJiggle: Yes sir, can I help you?
Man: Yes. Its this genies lamp you sold me, Mr MacJiggle, its not working.
Mr MacJiggle: Well remember, sir as I tell all my customers, you only get three wishes.
Man: Three wishes? I haven't managed to get even one wish out of it. Either the thing is broken or its a confidence trick and whichever it is I want my money back.
Mr MacJiggle: Now just wait a minute, sir.
Man: I warn you, MacJiggle. If you refuse to give me a refund I won't hesitate to go to the police.
Mr MacJiggle: Please, sir. There really is no need for that. If you would just allow me to talk to the genie inside the lamp for a moment, then I'm sure we can get to the root of the problem.
(Mr MacJiggle takes hold of the lamp and talks into its spout)
Mr MacJiggle: Hello in there. Mr Genie sir.
(He places his ear to the spout and listens)
Mr MacJiggle: Oh. He says his name is Abu. He wants me to call him Mr Abu.
Man: (Sceptically) Oh he does, does he? Well, tell your Mr Abu that I paid good money for that lamp and I expect three wishes.
Mr MacJiggle: Yes, yes, sir. I will.
(Speaks into spout of lamp again)
Mr MacJiggle: Hello? Mr Abu? The customer says that, apparently, you haven't granted him his guaranteed 3 wishes. Infact, not even one wish.
(MacJiggle puts the spout to his ear)
Oh? Oh, yes I see. Right, well that explains it. Yes I'll tell him.
Man: Well? What does your Mr Abu say?
Mr MacJiggle: Well, sir, apparently he can't grant your wishes because, you see, your a sceptic.
Man: A sceptic? Well why should that matter?
Mr MacJiggle: Well you see sir. According to Mr Abu, you bought the lamp believing that it was fake and each time you made a wish you really wanted it to fail because then that would confirm your sceptical belief that genies do not exist.
Man: So.
Mr MacJiggle: Well, you see, sir, Genies only want to make people happy and if you make a wish for a million pounds but you secretly hope that the wish won't come true because you don't believe in wishes then, in order to make you happy, the genie has to make your wish fail.
Man: (Sceptically) I see.
Mr MacJiggle: (Handing lamp back to Man) Oh good. Well then, sir. Your problem is solved. Please, take your lamp and enjoy your three wishes.
Man: I see that your a fraud and a charlatan, sir who not only sells me a worthless piece of junk (He slams the lamp down on the counter) but then tries to cheat me out of a refund.
Mr MacJiggle: Oh no, honestly, sir. You have to believe me. I have done nothing to cheat you. The lamp does work, its just that, in order for the wishes to come true you have to believe that they are going to come true.
Man: Ha! A likely story. Well you can tell it to a policeman,sir because I'm going straight to the police station to report you and your phony magic shop. (Man turns right and starts to walk off)
(Mr MacJiggle picks up the lamp and rubs it)
Mr MacJiggle: Oh but sir, I wish you wouldn't.
Man: (Stopping and turning back round, seeming bewildered) Sorry?
Mr MacJiggle: I said I wish you wouldn't.
(MacJiggle rubs the lamp again)
Infact I wish we could just forget that this whole misunderstanding ever happened.
Man: What misunderstanding?
Mr MacJiggle: Oh well, you came in here thinking it was a grocery store. You wanted to buy some apples.
Man: I did?
Mr MacJiggle: Yes, sir but the grocery store is further down the street.
Man: Now wait a minute. I don't remember coming in here or asking for apples.
Mr MacJiggle: (Rubbing lamp a third time) Oh, I do wish you would believe me.
Man: I do. (Bewildered) At least I think I do. (He clutches his head) I don't think I'm feeling very well.
Mr MacJiggle: Perhaps thats why you wanted the apples. You know, an apple a day keeps the doctor away.
Man: Perhaps (unsure) Well, anyway, sorry for taking up your time.
Mr MacJiggle: Thats alright, sir. Glad to be of help.
Man walks off, still looking confused, right.
Mr MacJiggle (To audience): Oh well. You can't please everyone can you. But don't let that put you off. As I said there are lots of amazing things in my shop. For example, if your looking for an interesting pet, why not try a dragon or a unicorn; we have them in all colours, black, white, pink, purple, spots or stripes.
(Noises off: The bell upon the door rings again)
Oh but I hear another customer and this one might be my lucky charm. If you'll excuse me -
(Enter Woman from off right)
Hello, madam. How may I help you?
Woman: Uhm? I was wondering. Do you sell love potions here?
Mr MacJiggle: Why yes madam. (Mr MacJiggle reaches under counter and gets out 2 bottles, a small one and a large one) We stock all kinds of love potions here. For example (He picks up the small bottle) this small one is good if your only seeking a casual romance (Now he picks up the large bottle) but if you're looking for life long love and devotion then I would recommend this extra- strong love potion, "Cupids Arrow" only 12. 99.
Woman: (Pointing to the large bottle) Thats it! Thats the one.
Mr MacJiggle: Oh good, then shall I wrap it for you madam.
Woman: No, I mean thats the one that was used on me.
Mr MacJiggle: Oh?
Woman: I found a bottle of it among my boyfriends things the day he ran off and left me for another woman.
Mr MacJiggle: Oh well, I'm sorry to hear that but, you know, we always advise our customers to use our products responsibly.
Woman: He used your love potion to make me fall in love with him and then he broke my heart.
Mr MacJiggle: Madam, you know I really am truly sorry.
Woman: And so you should be. In fact I have a good mind to report you to the police.
Mr MacJiggle: Police? Really, madam. I'm sure thats not necessary.
Woman: But without your love potion he could not have taken advantage of me the way he did. You are to blame for my heart being broken.
Mr MacJiggle: I understand that madam but there might be another way to solve your problem. May I suggest taking a cure for a broken heart.
Woman: A cure?
Mr MacJiggle: (Puts away love potion bottles and puts a bottle of magic cure upon the counter) Old Mother Graham's cure for a broken heart. It's like the antidote to the love potion. Just one drop will make you fall out of love with the person who broke your heart; take it for a few days and I guarantee by the fourth day, you will no longer even remember them. Its normally 4.99 but seeing as you've suffered great emmotional distress, I'll give it to you free of charge.
Woman: But thats no good. I want to remember him. I wan't to remember what he did to me so that I don't ever let it happen again.
Mr MacJiggle: But, Madam, you don't want to let that one bad experience sour you against falling in love which can be one of the most wonderful experiences that a human being can ever have in their life.
Woman: No. No. I don't want to forget and, furthermore, if I forget then that means he gets away scot free and no one who does that to a persons heart deserves to get away with it.
Mr MacJiggle: I agree madam but (Has a thought) Ahh! Hold on a minute madam. I think that I may have just the thing you need. (Mr MacJiggle turns and takes a book down from a shelf and then hands it to her).
Woman: Whats this?
Mr MacJiggle: Black magic spells for revenge, madam. Just the thing when someone has broken your heart. This book contains everything you need to know to make your ex-boyfriends life totally miserable.
(The Woman flicks through the book considering it for a moment but then puts the book down on the counter)
Woman: No. I just think that you can't solve everything with a magic spell or a potion that you buy over the counter.
Mr MacJiggle: Madam if that were true then I would go out of business.
Woman: Well perhaps you should and when I show the love potion to the police I'm sure they'll agree with me.
(The Woman begins to walk off right but then Mr MacJiggle takes a bow out from under his counter and aims it at her)
Mr MacJiggle: Bow of Cupid, arrows fire and fill this maids heart with desire (Shoots imaginary arrow with bow)
Woman: (Stops walking and turns round, seeming bewildered) Strange.
(Mr MacJiggle puts his bow back under the counter)
Mr MacJiggle: Madam?
Woman: That music? Do you hear it?
Mr MacJiggle: Oh you mean that music thats playing in your heart?
Woman: Yes.
Mr MacJiggle: I heard it the moment you walked into my shop, madam as if an orchestra began to play.
Woman: Really?
Mr MacJiggle: Yes and I knew the moment that I did that it was fate. That the woman who had just walked into my shop was the woman I was meant to fall in love with.
Woman: Really? (Smiling)
Mr MacJiggle: Yes but unfortunately, as you can see, I'm pretty busy working right now. Perhaps if we could arrange to go out on a date sometime. Maybe tommorrow night.
Woman: I would like that. I would like that alot.
(Mr MacJiggle gets out a notepad and pen and places them on the counter.)
Mr MacJiggle: Well then if you write down your phone number I can give you a call.
(The Woman writes down her phone number eagerly gazing with lovefilled eyes at Mr MacJiggle)
Woman: I'll wait by the phone until you call.
Mr MacJiggle: And I will think of you every moment until we meet again.
(The Woman goes off of the stage right, waving to Mr MacJiggle as she goes and Mr MacJiggle waves back)
Mr MacJiggle: I have got to find that lucky charm (Sighs and shakes his head but then regaining his composure, smiles at the audience) I'm sorry. You've had a look round my shop. Have you seen anything yet that you would like to buy?
Oh? You think I decieved those people? That Man and Woman? You think I'm a bad person?
Oh but you're wrong, really. I'm a good person. I started this shop to bring happiness to people. Its just that people are so very hard to please.
(Noises off: Bell above door rings again)
Mr MacJiggle: Another customer. Now you'll see. You'll see how my shop brings happiness to people.
(Enter Injured Man covered in bandages and walking on crutches with a charm round his neck)
Mr MacJiggle: Hello, sir. Welcome to MacJiggles magical store. How may I help you?
Injured Man: Well, its this good luck charm you sold me last week (He takes the charm off from around his neck and hands it to MacJiggle)
Mr MacJiggle: A good luck charm (To audience) Perhaps this is the one the oracle spoke of. (To man)Oh and what exactly is wrong with it, sir?
Injured Man: It doesn't work. Infact its brought me nothing but bad luck all week. That thing is like a magnet for bad luck. Since I bought it, I've had 5 accidents. Thats why I'm covered in bandages, I've been in accident and emmergency twice not to mention my house has burned down, my wife has left me and taken my children with her, she wants a divorce; I crashed my car and I lost my job.
Mr MacJiggle: And all that happened in a week?
Injured Man: Its been the worst week of my life and its all because of that charm I bought from you so I want my money back.
Mr MacJiggle: But sir, good luck and bad luck are all in the eye of the beholder.
Injured Man: But I lost my wife and children. She wants to divorce me. Isn't that bad luck?
Mr MacJiggle: Only if you were happily married. If you weren't happy in your marriage well now your a carefree bachelor again.
Injured Man: Well what about my job?
Mr MacJiggle: Did you like your job, sir?
Injured Man: Well, no. Not especially.
Mr MacJiggle: Well now you can look for a job that suits you better.
Injured Man: Well, I have always wanted to be a lion tamer. But what about all the accidents I had and my house burning down and my car crashing?
Mr MacJiggle: Well are you insured?
Injured Man: Yes.
Mr MacJiggle: Well there, now see, you're a bachelor with all that insurance money. Just think what fun you could have.
Injured Man: I suppose so.
Mr MacJiggle: Without the clouds sir, there would be no silver linings.
Injured Man: You're right (Takes back the charm and hangs it around his neck) I don't know what I was so unhappy about. This is the best day of my life. Thank you.
Mr MacJiggle: Glad to be of help, sir. (To audience) No. That can't have been the good luck charm all it did was bring bad luck.
(The Injured man goes back off stage right)
(Noise off: A car screeches and crashes)
(Enter Girl from right)
Girl: Did you see that?
Mr MacJiggle: No madam. What happened?
Girl: A man was knocked down by a car. He was just coming out of this shop and the car swerved off of the road and hit him.
Mr MacJiggle: Oh dear. I'm so sorry. Would you like me to phone for an ambulance?
Girl: I already phoned from my cellphone.
Mr MacJiggle: Ahh. The wonders of modern technology.
Girl: (Looking around) What kind of shop is this anyway?
Mr MacJiggle: A magic shop.
Girl: You mean magic tricks? Pulling rabbits out of hats that sort of thing?
Mr MacJiggle: No, real magic. Flying carpets, fairy wands, magic spells.
Girl: But none of that stuff really exists, does it?
Mr MacJiggle: Another sceptic. Well its just aswell, I suppose. When people believed in witchcraft they used to burn witches. Now when they see a broomstick flying overhead they swear to themselves that they saw an aeroplane.
Girl (Looking around): Wow you have a lot of cool stuff in here. Is that a cauldron?
Mr MacJiggle: Thats our deluxe cauldron, 39. 95. You can fit a whole goat in there.
Girl: A goat?
Mr MacJiggle: Not that I go in for that sort of thing, ofcourse, being a Satyr.
Girl: Being a what?
Mr MacJiggle: A Satyr. Half man and half goat.
Girl: You're kidding.
Mr MacJiggle: Well see for yourself.
(The Girl goes and looks behind the counter)
Girl: Wow. You weren't lying. You've got hooves and everything.
Mr MacJiggle: I don't normally let people see behind the counter but you seem like a girl with an open and enquiring mind.
Girl: Can I touch them?
Mr MacJiggle: What?
Girl: Your hooves.
Mr MacJiggle: Oh yes, if you want.
(The girl bends down behind the counter)
Girl: They're real. Wow thats amazing. I've never seen anything like it before.
Mr MacJiggle: Well you see lots of amazing things working in my shop. Hmm? Perhaps you'd like a job.
Girl: What kind of a job?
Mr MacJiggle: I'm sure I can think of something you can do.
(Girl gets back up and looks round)
Girl: I'd love to work here.
Mr MacJiggle: Good. Then come by tommorrow morning. You can help me lasso the unicorn.
Girl: Okay. Cool.
Mr MacJiggle: Oh. Whats your name.
Girl: Charm. Charm Goodluck.
(The Girl goes off stage right)
Mr MacJiggle: Charm Goodluck? That girl must be the charm I've been waiting for. I knew my luck would change. (Smiles) Oh, I'm sorry, I almost forgot about you. Well, have you seen anything that you'd like to buy yet? No? Oh well, maybe next time you visit us at Mr MacJiggles magical store