The Nudism Problem

Sometimes Alun will do anything not because he believes it, but because it’s the opposite of the policy of the mainland council. So when the council introduced a ban on public nudity across the whole mainland, Alun responded by making Happy Island Sands a nudist beach.

 

One morning, shortly after these events, I was woken early by a hammering on my back door. I quickly dressed and rushed downstairs, to find Alun in an agitated state.

 

“There’s a beached whale on the shore, Jed.” he said.

 

Beached whales are a recurring problem on Happy Island, it’s just a much nicer place for a whale to beach than anywhere on the mainland, so we’re used to dealing with them. I fetched the beached-whale-removal-kit from the useful things room and the pile of fresh sandwiches I’d made that night.

 

I’m not a great fan of many of Alun’s inventions, but his Action Sleep potion has proved

fantastically useful. Alun has always believed that sleep is a waste of everyone’s time, so he invented a potion to make you do useful things while you’re dreaming. My last novel, for example, was written entirely whilst I was asleep. I also make sandwiches every night, so that when I wake up I don’t have to worry about making lunch, and if we do face a crisis like a beached whale, I have fresh set of sandwiches to take with me.

 

However, when we got to the beach we were in for a shock. “That isn’t a whale,” I said to Alun. “That’s an enormous nude lady.”

 

“My god, Jed, you’re right. But what’s she doing here?”

 

We walked along the beach towards the enormous nude. “Good morning,” I said, “We’re the locals, I’m Jed and this is Alun. Who are you?”

 

“I’m Mrs Mildred Hyacinth, head of Ladies Au Natural. We’re the biggest nudist group on the mainland. And what, may I ask, are you doing here?”

 

“We live here,” I said.

 

“But this is a nudist beach, and you are wearing clothes!”

 

Alun started to explain, “A nudist beach simply means you are allowed to go without clothes, it doesn’t mean that nudity is compulsory,” but she cut him short with a fierce stare. “Get your clothes off young man.”

 

Alun obeyed, as did I. Mrs Hyacinth wasn’t the type of woman you said no to.

 

“Why are you here?” I said, “We don’t usually get visitors.”

 

“I’m trying out your nudist beach for Ladies Au Natural. With the mainland ban in place we’re desperate for somewhere we can be, well, au natural.”

 

“That’s all very well,” Alun said, “but this is a private island.”

 

“And Ladies Au Natural is a private group, we don’t take just anyone you know. Of course, we will need facilities, if we come here, coffees, bottled water, a sausage in a bun stall.”

 

“We do a very nice sausage here,” Alun said, “The Happy Island sausage is one of the best in the world.” Happily he made no attempt to link the talk of Happy sausages with our current nude state, I disapprove of double entendres.

 

The next day I was woken early by a hammering on my back door.

 

“What is it now?” I asked Alun.

 

“Get your clothes off Jed,” Alun said. “The beach is full of naked women desperate for Happy Island sausages.”

 

“You know I don’t approve of double entendres,” I said. Luckily, that night, thanks to Alun’s potion, I’d been cooking sausages and baking buns in my sleep, and we took my them down to the beach to sell to the nude bathers, along with bottles of water and a tea and coffee maker that Alun had built while he slept (he takes the same potion).

 

We made a fortune. You’d never believe how much money nudists have on their person to spend on drinks and sausages. “I wonder where they keep all their money?” I said to Alun.

 

“Best not go there,” he said.

 

The next day was the same. In fact, there were even more people there, all naked women tending towards the larger size, everywhere you looked the beach was full of enormous nudity, flaring pink in the sun.

 

Our sausage empire continued to grow. We branched out into sales of sun-cream and after-sun. Every morning hundreds, nay thousands, of nude women surged off the ferry onto the beach, leaving that evening with very little money left in their, well wherever they kept it. Best not go there.

 

At the same time, the boatman reported, the mainland tourist industry was suffering. They hadn’t just lost the trade of the nude and topless female bathers, they lost a hundred times that number of men, who no longer had a reason to go to the beach. 

 

Over the summer became rich men, serving the needs of all the mainland’s naked women. The Happy Island sausage has never been in such demand.

 

However, one morning I was woken early by a hammering on my back door. I rushed downstairs without dressing (clothes no longer seemed necessary) to find Alun in an agitated state. “It’s the mainland council, Jed,” he said. “They’re reintroduced nudist beaches.”

 

“Oh no,” I said. “Does that mean…”

 

We rushed down to the Happy Island Sands, to find it was completely free of nudes. In fact, it was to be many months before I saw another naked woman. But that, dear reader, is another story.