Wild Goose Chase 2

Boris and Galina had a youth meeting at their farmhouse on Thursday night.  In the small lounge downstairs there was a prayer meeting.  Matthew and his African friend Liberty were there.  Liberty was banging a big drum.  Matthew and Liberty were both chanting the same words over and over again and making strange noises at the back of their throats.
"What kind of prayer is this?" asked Rachel.  "This isn't how you pray in tongues."
"It's an African war chant," said Liberty.  "It's the singing of an African warrior.  Make war in the heavenlies."
"Make War in the Heavenlies was a very gentle song on an old cassette tape," said Rachel.  Fifteen year old Tony began to sing in tongues to the tune of pop song he had heard on the radio.  The result was rather odd.  Rachel looked at him.
"This is ridiculous.  That isn't prayer in tongues."
"But that's how the Holy Spirit comes to Tony," said Matthew.  In the kitchen, there was a big spread of pizza, sandwiches and cakes.  A large boy called Peaches Tears had finished eating 3 big platefuls of food and was now talking to Pastor Boris.
"Does God know all the things we do wrong at school?"
"Yes," said Pastor Boris.
"I've done some really terrible things.  I threw someone's bag in the toilet.  He had just finished using it.  He hadn't even flushed it.  I spit in school dinners.  One day, I spat in someone's custard and gave it a stir so they couldn't see it.  I had a terrible cold.  The boy was off school for a week.  God must really hate me."
"God can forgive you," said Boris.
"Can he?"
"Jesus died for your sins."
"Did he?  I've never heard anything like this."
"Hello, Fat Boy Peaches," said Tony, having left the prayer meeting to have some food.
"Hello Tony.  I think I just became a Christian."
"You?  A Christian?  Fat Boy Peaches?  The world's worst school bully?"
"Yes, Tony.  God has forgiven my sins."  Brian sat at a table painting a big wooden cut out figure of a goose.  The figure looked very much like a goose.  It had little green feathers and a face modelled on a swan Brian had seen in the park.
"Why are you painting a big duck?" asked Matthew.
"It's a goose," said Brian.  "It's the Celtic symbol of the Holy Spirit.  When the Holy Spirit comes to Piddledon, will it be a wild goose chase?"

Early the next morning the boy known affectionately to his gang as Big Beef was having a dream.  Mother was walking up the drive carrying two babies.  He was hiding himself in the bathroom and slamming the door.  The voice of his older sister could be heard outside the bathroom.  "Come out of the bathroom Andrew.  Mum loves you as well."  He was banging the bathroom door, crying and shouting in between sobs, "No she doesn't, no she doesn't, she loves the twins, she loves the twins!"  Now Big Beef was wide awake, his heart pounding, his lungs gasping for breath.  This recurrent nightmare reminded him of why, at the age of eighteen, he had a criminal conviction for assault and was heavily overweight.  Big Beef composed himself after the stress of the nightmare, went downstairs to have breakfast and got ready for school.  He arrived in the school yard.  In the middle of the school yard stood the rest of the gang.  David suffered from body odour due to lack of a family shower and taking a bath only once a week.  He was known as Sweaty.  John Charis had managed to convince most of the pupils who were frightened of him that his surname was actually Callous.  Stanley's real name was Trevor, nicknamed Stanley because of the fascination he had with pocket knives.  Simon came from Pontypool in Wales and was known as Sharky.  There, in pride of place as leader of the gang was Peaches Tears Johnson, who most people called Fat Boy Peaches.  He was known to many as the hardest kid in the school, after he had thrown a brick at a student teacher and missed his head by two inches.  Except today, Fat Boy Peaches was going to say something very strange indeed.
"Hello Big Beef.  Did you go to the youth club at the farmhouse last night?"
"No."
"I did.  Guess what?  I found Jesus."  The other boys burst out laughing.
"You're a nutcase Peaches," said Sweaty, "do you think the church at the farmhouse would have you?"
"They'd kick you out," said Stanley, scraping his pocket knife along the rough edged bricks in the wall so hard that it created red dust. "If you go there, they'll close the place down."
"Imagine Fat Boy Peaches as a vicar," said Sweaty.
"Could be, could be.  I was very impressed by what Pastor Boris said about giving up a well paid job and living on a farm for the last 3 years.  When I leave school, I want to go into missionary work."
"I thought you were going to go to prison," said Sharky.
"Life is young," said Big Beef.  "Plenty of time for everything.  Ten years for armed robbery and then being a vicar in some war torn village in Africa, where the people live in houses made from stolen bits of fence, with corrugated iron on the roof."

Peaches Tears went down to the pub that night.
"Hello Fat Boy Peaches," said the barmaid, pouring a half pint of country cider into a pint glass and then adding lager.
"I want a little green bottle of lemonade."
"Lemonade?"
"My mother used to give me lemonade like that when I was six or seven."
"Fat Boy, you normally come here to drink as much strong lager and country cider as you can and send a text message to your brother for a lift home when you're too drunk to speak.  What happened?"
"I went to the youth club at the farmhouse last night, Julie.  The wind of God was moving in a mighty way.  I found Jesus."
"It must have been like the hurricane in Los Angeles if Jesus found you."  Julie picked up the green bottle of lemonade.  "Would you like a glass, or would you just like to drink it from the bottle, so that when you've finished, you can break the end off, put it in a guy's face and twist it and twist it?"
"I'd better have it in a glass.  It's safer.  With ice, please, unless you expect me to use the ice to torture one of my victims."  Peaches Tears took the glass of lemonade and sat down in the pub lounge, next to the big television that was on the wall.  He suddenly recognised a man sitting on a nearby table.  Carrying the lemonade, he walked over to the table and sat down beside the man.  "Hello.  Hello.  You're my dad."  The man looked terrified.
"Son, I wasn't the one who gave you the name Peaches Tears.  Your mother called you that.  I told her it was silly.  Who wants to have a name like a race horse?  I said, it might be really cute now, when he's only a baby, and it might be okay when he's six or seven years old, but it's not going to be cute when he's seventeen years old and weighs fourteen stone.  I tried as hard as I could to persuade her.  I wanted to call you Michael, Son, I really did."
"It's all right, Dad, I forgive you."
"Forgive me?  Your mates said that if you ever saw me you would kick my head in.  I had a good shave and removed my beard, in the belief that you wouldn't recognise me.  But yes, I am your dad."
"Dad, I've found Jesus."
"Found Jesus?"
"There was a youth club at the farmhouse last night."
"By God, they must be good evangelists.  How did they get through to you?"
"There were these people in a room and they were praying, and all sorts of strange noises were coming out of it, and there was this man who was doing a painting and said it was a goose, which was a picture of God's Holy Spirit, according to some ancient monks.  I started to feel guilty about the things I did at school, as if God knew all about them. I said to the vicar, God must really hate me.  Boris said no, Jesus died for your sins.  You can be forgiven.  I thought, wow."
"Son, I always felt bad about leaving your mother.  She loved me.  She doted on me.  She's never loved anyone else,  not in the ten years since I walked out on her.  I loved her, at the time.  We were happy together.  Then my business did well.  I started travelling a lot and working seventy hours a week.  I fell in love with my office assistant.  It just happened. I married the office assistant.  We were miserable.  We divorced.  Son, I was an utter fool.  Can God forgive me for what I did to your mother?"
"Yes.  Do you want to come to the farmhouse tomorrow night?  Anyone can come on a Saturday night."  Tony and Debbie were sitting on the next table.
"Excuse me, can we come on Saturday night as well?" asked Debbie.  "We're new to the area.  We've just moved here.  We want to make friends."

On Saturday afternoon Big Beef was standing with his friends on a street corner outside the park.  Sweaty and Sharky were sitting on the two foot high stone wall that surrounded a young tree, smoking cigarettes.  Big Beef was shaking a long wooden pole.
"That Fat Boy Peaches," he said, "I'm sick of his religion.  I'm going to get him tonight."
"Steady on, Big Beef," said Sharky.  "You don't really want to hurt him."
"Yes I do."
"We're not a real gang, like New York," said Stanley, scraping the tree bark with his knife.  "We don't kill people."
"There's always a first time."
"What has Fat Boy Peaches done to deserve a beating with a huge stick?" asked Sweaty.
"He's found religion."
"And that necessitates a broken shoulder or slight concussion?"  Big Beef laughed.
"Do you really think I'd let him off so lightly?"
"It's a good job a modern ambulance has got life support equipment in the back," said Stanley, now having succeeded in carving his nickname on the tree bark.
"But why?" asked Sharky.
"He's not one of the lads anymore.  Other people are religious but Fat Boy Peaches preaches.  He rams religion down other people's throats."  That evening the gang went into the village pub, Big Beef still carrying the wooden pole.
"Where is he?" asked Sweaty.  "He's always here."
"Search all over the town centre," said Big Beef.  "I'll get my dad's car and we'll drive into Newport Newtown, that's where he's gone.  Search every bar.  He'll be there holding his little glass of lemonade and telling everyone about Jesus.  He believes that Jesus died for his sins.  Tonight, Fat Boy Peaches will die for my sins."

At the farmhouse, Fat Boy Peaches sat with his father, Pastor Boris, the pastor's wife Galina, and some other visitors.
"This is my long lost son.  We only met the other day.  And he's forgiven me for giving him such a silly name, and for being unfaithful to his mother."
"Fantastic," said Tony.
"I was a ferocious school bully," said Fatboy Peaches.  "I threw someone's bag in the toilet, I spat in school dinners.  I came here, and I suddenly began to think that God knows everything, God knows all the wicked things I do at school.  So I said to Pastor Boris, God must really hate me.  He said God didn't hate me, God loves everybody.  Jesus died for my sins."
"I'm very happy for you two," said Debbie, "but that is not something I would ever do, spit in a school dinner or throw someone's bag in the toilet.  I would never curse a child by giving him a cruel, stupid name, and I'm actually a very nice person."
"We are all sinners," said Galina.  "Debbie, have you ever told a lie?"
"Of course I have."
"Then you'll go to Hell.  You don't have to be a psychopath school bully to burn in agony through millions of years of torment, any little sin will do."
"Yes indeed," said Boris.  "What would you say if you hit your thumb with a hammer?"
"I know what I say when I hit my thumb with a hammer," said Tony.
"How would you feel if somebody started using your mother's name as a swearword?"
"That would be awful," said Tony.
"That might not be so bad," said Fat Boy Peaches, laughing.
"I thought you'd forgiven your family for giving you such a stupid name," said Boris.
"I've forgiven my father.  He didn't think of it.  My mother, I haven't quite got around to forgiving her yet."
"You'd better forgive her, or you'll go to Hell.  Jesus said, if you forgive men when they sin against you, I will also forgive you your sins."
"Men who sin against you.  Does that include women who sin against you as well?"
"Yes."
"I'd better forgive my mother, too, then."
"Why does God send people to a horrid place to be tormented forever, for such trivial offences?" asked Debbie.
"That's because he is a holy God," said Galina.  "God's standard is perfection.  Are you perfect?"
"No."
"Then you couldn't possibly go into the presence of a holy God.  If God allows you into Heaven, he'll allow lying and deceit into Heaven, and rude words will be said whenever you stub your toe on a golden paving stone in Heaven."
"I don't think that's quite true," said Boris.  "In Heaven, there will be no sorrow or pain.  One could hardly stub one's toe painfully on a golden paving stone."
"But can you see what I mean?"  asked Galina.  "People who don't like foreigners wouldn't be able to go to Heaven, because Heaven will be full of foreigners.  'I saw a great multitude of people from every language, tribe and nation that no one could count.'  Nigel Farage would be doing his nut.  You're not so sweet and innocent.  You would have no idea how to behave in Heaven."
"Why does Hell have to be such a terrible place?" asked Debbie.  "Why can't you just be excluded from Heaven, as if you had been excluded from school?"
"The fire of Hell was prepared for the devil and his angels," said Boris.  "It wasn't intended for man.  For you to be cast out of Heaven is for you to be in a universe ruled entirely by the devil and his angels.  They would be your tormentors."
"Like that song by Black Sabbath," said Fat Boy Peaches, "My name is Lucifer, please take my hand."
"Where did you hear that?" said his father.
"I listen to all the old songs on the internet."
"I don't want to go to a really horrible place when I die," said Debbie.
"What do we have to do?" asked Tony.
"Repent.  Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved," said Galina.
"How do you do that?" asked Debbie.
"Say this little prayer with me now.  Dear God, I confess that I have sinned, knowingly and unknowingly, sometimes accidentally and sometimes deliberately, and that I am a dirty rotten sinner and that I am going to Hell.  I couldn't possibly save myself and I need Jesus to save me.  I put my trust in you, Lord, to forgive my sins.  Now I am determined to live your way.  I give my life to you.  Amen."
"Amen," Tony and Debbie said, loudly.

On Monday morning, in the school yard, Sweaty separated himself from the rest of the gang and walked up to Fat Boy Peaches.
"Fat Boy, where were you on Saturday night?"
"I was at the home of a Christian couple."
"We looked all over the place and we couldn't find you.  I was really scared.  Big Beef was going mental.  He had this big stick.  We thought he was going to kill you."