Tough 2

That's how I face my day. A drink here, a drink there. It feels so right. 

Sometimes, I imagine I am full of sunshine, as happy as can be. I try to smile and be cheery. Somehow it does not fit me, and I get even more angry. I even get moody, and even weirded out. Then I look at the kids in my school. Such a sad group. None of them will become anything. Everyone is so self-conscious these days. That's what I like about the drink. It makes me feel less self-conscious.

I sometimes see these good-looking athletes and they're going out with a girl already. I feel jealous and I just want to knock them out. That would be nice. But I think I've been looking at these couples too long. They are starting to look back at me. There's this one couple. They've really started to look back. I just smile at them. They are coming my way.

-You guys just look so great together. I wish I could be as handsome as you.

They just laugh me off, but the truth is I just want to punch him out. I really dislike him, but I don't much like her either. I imagine knocking him out. She becomes shocked and runs away.

I imagine that I am the guy walking around with her. I try to walk proudly and I kiss her on the cheek. I imagine taking her out to a movie. I imagine having dinner with her at my house.

-She's so pretty. (My Mother)

My mother cooks delicious Korean food and I just get so hungry while waiting. I go to the bathroom and drink some mouthwash and do my hair.

-So how did you two meet?

-Well, it was kind of an accident. He (pointing to me) punched out my boyfriend.

I smile. I sure did punch out her boyfriend. It was the best thing I did. I enjoyed doing it very much. I loved doing it.

She's eating the Korean food, and she keeps on asking me what's in the food. Already I dislike her. I should have punched both of them out.

I bring Korean food in aluminum foil to school. I always bring some food for my black friend. She loves Korean food, and gives me a dollar for it. Her name is Angelina, and I'm angry at her too, but less so than others. She says she's Afro-American and a princess. That's how she learns to feel proud of herself. Maybe I need to feel proud of myself too. Korean-American and a prince. Korean-American-Prince. KAP. Sounds so nice. Maybe I won't need to drink so much if I learned to think something of myself. It's just that it's so hard being proud of myself. I can't stand anyone. I get jealous if anyone else has something that I don't. I just want to be left alone, and yet, I want to be the center of attention which makes me kind of creepy.

Angela is kind of a loner too. She doesn't hang around the others. She actually writes these beautiful poems about clouds. That makes me happy. But it's strange. The clouds are always about to rain. Cries.