FactoidMan and ShallowMan

[Well, ShallowMan’s ne’er at a loss

for voicing shallow thoughts that gloss.

With trenchant wit he reaps the dross

when seeking sense in applesauce.

 

But to his aid flies FactoidMan

who always has a Fact at hand;

with him, who needs a whether-man

to answer “if?” or “but?” or “and?”?]

 

FM

“Oh ShallowMan, let me explain

the Facts of life to you, so plain,

yet flush with truthful thoughts arcane.

When understood, you won’t maintain

that callowness you think urbane.”

 

SM

“Oh FactoidMan, give benedictions,

save me from all contradictions

with your knowledge, no restrictions

finding Facts, avoiding fictions.”

 

FM

“Well, when in doubt, you always may

request my help to find your way

through shades of black and white and gray,

and from the Facts you’ll never stray.

Yes, ShallowMan, I’ll make your day.”

 

SM

“Since yesteryear I’ve wondered why

I’m served a piece of humble pie

whene’er attempting to descry

just what’s a Fact, and what’s a lie,

and which be Facts one can’t deny.

With candor, can you edify

me with some recondite reply?”

 

FM

“Well, as you know, my Facts are Facts

which naught nor nothing counteracts

and things that do, mere artifacts

in dim myopic cataracts.”

 

“A lie’s a thing which disagrees

with Facts I utter, if you please,

and hides the forest from the trees

ignoring all my verities.”

 

“And this reminds me of my youth,

with axioms defined as truth

which I selected as a sleuth

(abetted by a sweet vermouth);

I being now so long of tooth,

to contradict me’s hardly couth.”

 

SM

“That certainly helps me clarify

whom I can trust: yeah, you’re the guy!  

Now, furthermore I’ve wondered why

the moon can’t fall and clouds can fly. 

What’s called that law those facts defy?

And mightn’t I just give a try

to make a guess to verify?”

 

FM

“If you link your facts to law

(ah, please excuse a gruff guffaw)

you’ll certainly flaunt a flimsy flaw

that strains belief and breaks the straw

of what you’ve heard and thought you saw.

(I‘ll leave you with some bones to gnaw

that leave you holding me in awe

when once you’ve grasped and gasped ‘aha’).

So tell me now your ideas, raw,

but keep it short, your blah, blah, blah.”

 

SM

“Umm, could it be just gravity

(well, something like a theory

that some call Relativity)

which pulls the apple from the tree

and puts a strain upon my knee;

or is that fact absurdity?”

 

FM

“Ahem, a theory’s just a theory,

not a Fact, it’s all so eerie,

something which should make you leery

as explained until I’m weary.”

 

SM

“If Relativity’s a theory,

and a theory’s not a Fact,

is it a fiction I can query

when I’m falling, ere I’m whacked?”

 

FM

“Though theories might be based on Fact,

a theory is, in fact, not backed

by any cause, effect or act

which might be salvaged when attacked. 

For you, this Fact may seem abstract,

plumb depths where shallow thoughts distract.”

 

“Yes, what goes up must soon come down

is quite a Fact of world renown.

But theory’s just a heathen gown

to deck the naked King in town,

and when he falls, he breaks his crown

which leaves him wearing but a frown.”

 

“It surely should be obvious,

the property of Heaviness

(like Godliness and Heaven-ness)

defines the cosmic edifice,

refuting Newton’s flakiness

and Einstein’s spooky emphasis  

on space-time’s 4-D flimsiness.

Yes, Facts like these are copious

(I count them with my abacus);

to argue would be blasphemous

displaying mental barrenness

about the push and pulling stress

when bouncing balls rebound, unless

one views elastic laziness

as evil Satan’s stubbornness.”

 

SM

“Well now I think I understand,

that gravity seems somewhat grand,

but’s just, in fact, a rubber band

that stretches through our earth-bound-land

constricting us when we expand.”

 

FM

“Yes, ShallowMan, you finally got it,

just as I’ve long preached and taught it.

I’m so happy that you’ve bought it.

(Not a question nor an audit -

you’re so shallow, who’d have thought it?)”

 

[Once ShallowMan dipped into science

seeking FactoidMan’s alliance

gaining, hence, a strong reliance

on the Facts and their appliance,

Justifying strong compliance,

turning down those in defiance.

 

SM

“Hey, FactoidMan, another topic

leaves me reeling, gyroscopic,

dealing with the microscopic

in a world kaleidoscopic.”

 

“Within the realm of vacuum loops

Dark Energy in quantum soups

of anti-matter sometimes swoops

across inflation’s Big Bang stoops

where space-time ends and matter droops.

Do you believe, or just the dupes?

 

FM

“It’s nothing but a passing phase,

(a theory that in fact betrays

obscure occult communiqués

that fevered fantasy conveys)

of those who thump creation days.

Just check! The vacuum state portrays

perfection in your shallow ways

reflected in that vacant gaze

you cast upon the dossiers

of all my Facts that so amaze.”

 

SM

“And what about the quantum theory?

Particles not hard but smeary,

just like waves? It’s kinda eerie!

Facts could not be quite so bleary

leaving Bohr, well, sad and teary.

FactoidMan, just tell me, dearie,

what the Facts are, bright or dreary.”

 

“And then again what are those holes

(as black as ravens bathed in coals)

wherein the past and future strolls

exploiting fields that Higgs controls

beneath the shady shallow shoals

between magnetic monopoles.”

 

FM

“The science lab’s a ‘fact’ory

concocting stuff that cannot be

(like unknown realms and notably

those tiny things NoMan can see

with naked eye on bended knee

neath microscopic scrutiny)

and claim they’ve found reality;

they call their god a ‘Theo’ry

(a fig-ment of the Yum-Yum tree)

that leads them to hyperbole

about the singularity

that’s dipped in dazed duplicity

denying all eternity.”

 

“Here’s my advice that seems to work:

ignore the ones with ‘facts’ that lurk

behind their ‘proofs’ (which always irk),

and being challenged have the quirk

of stepping back within the murk

(indulged, I chuckle, smile or smirk).”

 

[Now ShallowMan is quite content

receiving FactoidMan’s consent

to quibble and express dissent

as long as keeping covenant

with fingers crossed and belfry bent

when viewing Facts in sealed cement:]

 

SM

“The Facts you give me circumvent

those ‘truths’ your chuckles supplement;

although they might disorient

they can’t be wrong, I won’t dissent,

just using ones which you invent.“

 

FM

“(No need of source in that event).”

 

SM

“Your wise advice is simply sound

in cases where a game is bound

to parcel points out round by round

or else on verbal battleground

where know-it-alls are duly crowned.”

 

[Though ShallowMan is kinda slow

he still takes time to learn and throw

his facts and theories to and fro,

amazing facts which seem to show

that theories sometimes come and go,

returning strengthened with the glow

of new found facts (for which to crow)

that fill the gaps of long ago.]

 

SM

“Oh FactoidMan, just tip your cap!

I’ve found a piece to fill the gap

that simplifies a mouse’s trap:

if triggerless, it still will clap

to give the mouse a mighty zap

that makes its tiny back bone snap.”

 

“With mousetrap type simplexity,

reducible complexity

helps arguments’ duplexity

with twists of crude convexity.”

 

FM

“Ha-ha! That serves to prove my case:

for each gap filled, two in its place,

each growing at the doubled pace;

for unfilled gaps, I’m saying grace

(they help, indeed, for saving face).”

 

[Once ShallowMan had dared to question

FactoidMan’s sublime suggestion:]

FM

“With a little predigestion

all my Facts compel ingestion

helping shallow decongestion.”

 

SM

“FactoidMan, take no offense,

I know your knowledge is immense

amidst your store of Facts quite dense,

yet still I’m hanging in suspense

about your unassumed pretense

and if (or not) your Facts make sense.

What say you, sage, in your defense?”

 

FM

“My Facts are self-sustaining views

supported by my mighty muse;

if disbelief is what you choose

just listen to the gull that mews,

eructing fake and faulty news.”

 

 “My Facts are meant for one and all”

[cried FactoidMan within the stall]

FM

“I plop them out and when they fall

(yes, be they large or be they small)

they leave all witnesses in thrall.”

 

[Then FactoidMan informed the crew

(you know the ones, the chosen few,

who try to twist his Facts askew,

subjecting them to peer review

which puts them in the waiting queue

for litter to be hid from view):]

FM

“Well Facts are Facts, yes that is true

so don’t be sad and don’t feel blue

when sitting dazed without a clue;

once more, that’s why I’m here for you.”

 

“For in my wisdom you may wallow

if you simply seek and follow,

chew my Facts, then gulp and swallow,

stuff your soul, now blank and hollow.”

 

SM

“But FactoidMan, I fail to see

the emptiness inside of me”

[said ShallowMan with modesty

and cert’nly not hyperbole.]

SM

“You’ve filled me with a potpourri

of concepts bathed in harmony

all self-contained and error free

(adjudged by you, the referee,

with whom no one could disagree

and still remain your devotee).”

 

[FactoidMan may steal a stride

 with Miss Direction at his side

 to conquer, baffle or divide;

she sometimes slyly serves to guide

us on a roller coaster ride

through subtle logic simplified

and fuzzy Facts unverified.]

 

FM

“We’ll make you guys sit back in wonder

stealing all your blood and thunder

when you’ve found you’ve made a blunder,

thrusting you to realms down under

dank defeat, dun dirt and dunder

(pseudo-logic’s would-be plunder,

Miss Direction’s torn asunder).”

 

SM

“Do Miss Direction’s humble graces

pivot progress towards new places

into which loose logic races

(hinged on fundamental bases

counter argument outpaces)?

And what about the other cases

tied with loose ends time unlaces?

Just rubbish, reason soon erases

leaving lumps or tiny traces

in the gaps and other spaces?”

 

“Yes, Miss Direction will confirm

my wisdom hides no wily worm,

though simpletons will surely squirm

with Facts they fail to disaffirm

within the short or longer term.”

 

“She can lecture, you can learn

about the twists at every at every turn

in arguments that you should spurn

when served an ace but can’t return

without disgrace and ego burn

that leaves your ashes in an urn.

(In case you listen, you’ll discern

that winning spins are my concern.)”

 

[Well ShallowMan was full of stunts,

posed one more question which confronts:]

SM

“Although your data sometimes blunts

the points of other’s arguments

your reasoning quite oft affronts

when based on claims  that logic shunts.

Well, won’t this break your covenants?”

[Then Miss Direction screamed at once

that “ShallowMan’s a silly munce”.]

 

FM

“But that is neither here nor there”

[said FactoidMan with scant a care]

FM

“for ShallowMan may often err:

without my Facts, he’s not a prayer,

so should believe and be aware

that truth is mine and never dare

 to think new thoughts (and so despair).”

 

[Then FactoidMan revealed a frown

in which a pompous smirk could drown:]

FM

“Yes, ShallowMan’s a depthless clown

who must look up for seeing down;

he lives his life in Flatland Town,

his thinking cap’s a dunce’s crown.”

 

[But ShallowMan took no offence

though things were getting kind of tense

(with some regrets for being dense)

and answered in his own defense:]

SM

“At times credulity replaces

rationality in cases

where belief in faith’s the basis

(filling holes with empty spaces)

voiding proofs that logic traces.”

 

FM

“Does logic really play a role?

It’s certainly not the aim or goal!

Instead, to wheedle or cajole,

while using Facts which I control,

is somewhat simpler on the whole.”

 

SM

“Oh FactoidMan, it’s now so clear

the reason why we need you here,

protecting from the puppeteer

who pulls our strings to interfere

with Facts of yours we should revere,

and paves our path with morbid fear

our straight and narrow bent may veer

from certainty you hold so dear,

rejecting theories which cohere,

ensconced in science, so sincere;

and all be damned should doubts appear.”

 

FM

“ShallowMan, if you’ve conflictions

owing to your mind’s addictions

to subconscious maledictions,

due to doubt in old convictions;

tell me now of your afflictions.”

 

SM

“FactoidMan, I must confess

I understand you more or less

though subtleties provoke distress,

and even more your fine finesse

inclines to make my mind compress.

Forgive me now my cheekiness

in asking you for some redress;

although you’ve certainly gained success

convincing others, nonetheless

my valuations retrogress

to untold depths of shallowness

the more your reasons (which impress

onlookers with your cleverness

at citing Facts, most referenceless)

dissolve like dragons in Loch Ness.”

 

[Well FactoidMan must simply smile

(and sometimes chuckles for a while)

when ShallowMan acts infantile

and won’t attempt to reconcile

those Facts that rhyme like truth and guile.]

 

SM

“I know that all you say’s legit

though oft your Facts sound counterfeit

and leave my dawning mind unlit

(just feeling like a retrofit).

But, on the whole, I must admit,

a mental fog’s a benefit;

when eyes are closed and hairs are split

expressions vague, I might submit

although the Facts don’t seem to fit!

Please help me once to cope with it.”

 

FM

“Oh ShallowMan you’re so amusing

when my Facts you find confusing;

you’ve no profit when refusing

simple truths of my own choosing;

bathe in wisdom I’m suffusing

when awake or else while snoozing.”

 

SM

“Oh FactoidMan, ’twould be a sin

to mourn for thoughts that might-have-been

if you had had more time to spin

some arguments to underpin

conclusions bringing much chagrin

to those who try to do yours in.

For yes, it seems your notion’s thin

(though acrid, sweetened up within

a grain of salt called saccharin).”

 

FM

“Yes, ShallowMan, you must have known,

I’d find your mindset set-in-stone

when claiming notions underblown

(especially those I call my own)

ignoring all the Facts I’ve shown,

a lapse to which you’re plainly prone.”

 

SM

“No, FactoidMan, I’m not disbanding

your contentions so outstanding

(even though they need expanding

for a thorough understanding);

with some polish or else sanding

(you know, somewhat less demanding)

they might make a model landing,

lack of catwalk notwithstanding.”

 

FM

“To answer you I’ll write a ditty

getting to the nitty-gritty,

oh so lofty, oh so witty,

where the Facts shine, oh so pretty;

if you’re lost, then more’s the pity,

tell it to my subcommittee,

‘Miss Direction’s Detour City’.

Now it’s time to feed the kitty.”

 

[Well FactoidMan’s concluding quip

to give advice and hold his grip

(by letting words of wisdom drip)

displayed adroit one-upmanship:]

FM

“Hubba hubba, ching ching ching,

now I’ve taught you everything

without a hook, without  a string;

you needn’t clutch, you needn’t cling,

just bow instead and kiss my ring.”