Manual diagnostic

Here I go, here lies the millionth attempt to write from a place of truth, no song or dance, no scattered attempts of diguise, just a raw recolection of this shattered journey I have somehow become a part of in the last three years, afterall if I am feeling like this then I cant be the only one. 

Drowning in my own mental health, swimming, splashing, an ocean with no end in sight. Not to say its all been bad, but saying even that sparks a deep guilt within me, me? the woman with food, a family, a home, my youth, feel profound sadness? How dare I! well I am. 

At this point I have shattered a thousand times, here lies my logic, reasoning, false happiness, anger and resilience on the floor around me, I want to collect it, scramble to the floor and put it back together, to take myself back to the old days, the ones shadowed in my own naivity, a time when my heart longed from escape but it seems actually protected me from the real feelings that were to come. 

This is my ultimate breaking point and i am filling it with honestly, a veteran of games laying her cards on the table, so lets look at it, what is the next step, who am I now? Can i put myself back together? Can i muster enough grit and determination to glue myself back together?

This sudden fight to spare myself of this torment, accept the problems I am having and an absolute promise to myself to accept them for what they are, lets do this.